Tag: playing BIG

Explanation: The Access To Generating Breakthroughs?


PHENOMENON

Definition:

1. An event or situation that can be seen to happen or exist.

2. A fact, occurrence, or circumstance, observed or observable.

Etymology:

1570s, “fact, occurrence,” from Late Latin phænomenon, from Greek phainomenon “that which appears or is seen,” noun use of neuter present participle of phainesthai “to appear”…

What Is So

There is the phenomenon e.g. widespread flooding in the southern England (UK)

There is the interpretation-explanation (‘story’) about the phenomenon e.g.” it is due to government neglect through cost-cutting.” 

Notice: the phenomenon is always distinct from the ‘story’.

Notice: we can invent an array of stories for the phenomenon at hand: “serves people right for building homes in flood prone areas; it serves the middles classes right for voting in this government; it is due to climate change; it is God showing his displeasure; this government is uncaring and incompetent etc….”

The automaticity of the ‘human machinery’ is such that I am almost never present to the distinction between phenomenon and story: the story shines so brightly in my speaking that I cannot see (am not present) to the phenomenon that lies in the background.

Exception = breakdowns.

Breakdowns occurs when the novel-unusual occurs: I find myself faced with the phenomenon as there is no ready made ‘story’ to understand-explain and thus slot the phenomenon into my ‘already always listening-interpreting-explaining’ of phenomena.

Even when breakdowns occur I will do my best to concoct a story that enables me to make sense of these breakdowns and fit them into the ‘story that I already am’ with the minimum disturbance to my way of being / showing up in the world.

What drives this entire play? The ‘story that I already am’. The story that gives my way of being / showing up in the world. My ‘already always listening’: of self, of you, of others, of us, of the world’. Behind my ‘story’ lies the ‘Story’: the story given by the culture that I find myself enmeshed in and of which I am an embodiment.

The Access To Breakthroughs Lie In The Domain Of ‘Story’

Notice, that the phenomenon does not dictate the course of action we will take. For example, the fact that there is flooding in southern England is simply what is so.  What is so does not in any way dictate-determine what is done about what is so.

What determines our course of action regarding the phenomenon?  Our interpretation, our explanation, the ‘story’ that we make about the phenomenon: the dominant ‘story’ determines the course of action taken.

Notice: For as long as the existing ‘story’ explains-dominates the phenomenon we will continue to do some variation on what we have done before in relation to the phenomenon.  Put differently, the course of action that is taken in relation to phenomenon is always given-dictated by the dominant ‘story’ used to interpret-explain the phenomenon.

Which means that if the actions that you are taking, in relation to a specific phenomenon, are not generating the kind of results that you are wanting then you may want to stop. Stop!

Stop and be with the phenomenon just as it is and as it is not. Listen to, observe, touch-feel, live with, be with the phenomenon.  What is it that is unveiled?  Something is always unveiled for it is simply so that one cannot ever see the whole apple: some aspect of the apple is always hidden.

Now, with a fuller-richer-more rounded grasp of the phenomenon, you are in a position to invent-choose an alternative ‘story’: an alternative interpretation-explanation. The trick is to choose a ‘story’ that is in accordance with the phenomenon and generates actionable insight: insight that leaves open the space to take fruitful action.

All of which is to say that the access to generating breakthroughs – in our relationships, in our families, in our workplaces, in this world – lies in the explanation: the ‘story’ that we create around our relationships, our families, our workplaces, our world.

Want a breakthrough in a realm of your life?  Want to generate a transformation in your experience of your life? Then let go of the ‘story that you are and which gives you your way of being and showing up in the world’ and invent-nurture-cultivate-grow a different ‘story’. One of the most important shifts is to move from ‘not enough’ to ‘enough’; from ‘victim’ to author of one’s life; from spectator in the game of life to being on the court playing full-out.

Ultimately, to play BIG is to let go of the dominant story about what it is to be human. And what it is to be successful. And what constitutes a good life.  What does that open up: a space, a big space. And what can we do with such a space. Invent and actualise new possibilities.

 

Daring Greatly: Moving From The Stands And Into The Arena


Having stepped out of, perhaps only a little, the dungeon of fear I find that I am that much more sensitive to the fear that grips so many of us.  For example, this week I came face to face with the fear of speaking truth: of saying what there was to be said, of accurately describing the situation.

Why was the fear present?  I do not know for sure as I was not the one experiencing the fear. My educated guess is that those advocating the politically correct course of action were gripped by the fear of looking foolish, being criticised/ridiculed, of being ‘punished’.  And I notice that I am not immune: in writing this I notice that the fear of offending is present and so it is taking something to write these words.

If there is purpose behind this blog it is this: to inspire me and you to play BIG. What does that mean?

– It means giving up playing small and in so doing relinquishing the roles that we are most comfortable with and which we occupy naturally and by default. What roles? The roles of victim and spectator; and

– Live a life of self-expression, express that which calls to be expressed.  This requires moving from the safety and smallness of the stands (can you be any smaller than being one in a crowd of thousands of spectators) onto the arena and thus the spotlight.

Why should I bother? Why should you bother?  Why should we put ourselves into the game of life, play full out, express that which lies in us calling to be expressed?  Why should we face the hard work, the struggle, the pain that goes with being in the arena?  Because, aliveness (true aliveness) is only present when I am in the arena! And I am human like you, so it occurs to me that the same is true for you: you are truly alive when you are in the arena playing from and for a possibility that truly matters to you, calls you, touches-moves-inspires-uplifts you. 

Perhaps my answer is not satisfying, not eloquent, maybe not that clear.  So allow me to share with you a passage from a speech that is eloquent and which states all that needs to be stated:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

If you find that this quote speaks to you then I invite you to watch the recent (Dec 2013) talk by Brene Brown – she is the knack of conveying what it takes to give up the comfort-anonymity-smallness of the stands and moving into the sometimes harsh glare of the arena:

‘Whole-Complete-Perfect’: Is This The Most Fundamental and Powerful Choice?


When you and I came forth from this world we came forth naked.  Totally naked: without any and all labels.  No name, no gender, no nationality, no religion, no politics…

So how did you and I end up with such a strong identity?  An identity that grips us.  An identity that permeates us.  More accurately, identity that is us.  It simply happened didn’t it as we travelled through the years with people, from one place to another?  Would it be correct to say that the foundations of my identity, your identity, our identity was solidly in place before you and I were in a place to choose, to discriminate, to accept or decline the garments of identity thrust upon us by our parents, family, caregivers?

I ask you to take a good look at the core of your identity?  What do you see?  Do you see ‘man’, ‘woman’, ‘American’, ‘Brit’, ‘christian’, ‘muslim’, ‘atheist’, ‘painter’, ‘mom’, ‘CEO’, ‘marketer’….?  Please go and look beyond that.  What do you see?

If you look deep enough and have the courage to see, to listen, I say that you are most likely to find that the core of your identity is that of ‘being defective’.  Is that not our common humanity at the most fundamental level?  You and I see ourselves as ‘defective’, as ‘not good enough’, as ‘something is wrong about me’. Right?  I get that my version of defective may be that ‘I am not good looking’ and that ‘my body is weak’ and that ‘stupid’. Your identity might be that  you are ‘too tall’, ‘too fat’, ‘too shy’, ‘not considerate enough’, ‘poor’…  Do you notice that the details differ and the bigger game is the same between us?  I am defective: I am not whole, I am not complete, I am not perfect.

You and I were born without identity, born naked of all labels, born naked full stop. Naked! So how did you go from no identity, and the lightness and freedom that goes with that, to carrying the huge burden that goes with operating from the stance ‘I am not whole, not complete, not perfect’?  We were programmed.  Why? So that we would fit in with the existing order.  So that we would better comply with the wishes of those more powerful than us. Right?

How is it working out?  Put differently, what is the experience of my life, your life, lived from the context of ‘not whole, not complete, not perfect’?  It is that of looking for all kinds of way to be whole, be complete, be perfect.  That is what all the self-help books are about, right?  That is what all the status brands and conspicuous consumption is about, right?  That is what all the pre tense of being perfect and having a perfect life is all about, right?

I say to me, to you, to us, what fools we are!  We can simply give up the game.  We can give it up right now, just like that.  How exactly?  Notice, that we were born naked, without labels, without identity.  Notice, that identity is a choice.  You and I can choose to live from another identity, another context.  Which one?  Where I declare myself as ‘whole-complete-perfect’,  and you declare yourself as ‘whole-complete-perfect’.  Let’s not stop there.  Let’s declare all of our fellow human beings ‘whole-complete-perfect’.

Imagine how life would show up if you and I did declare ourselves as ‘whole-complete-perfect’.  Imagine how life would be if you and I declared each and every human being as ‘whole-complete-perfect’.  Not as a truth but as an identity that we give ourselves. And as a stand from which we show up and operate from this world.  When we relate to ourselves and our fellow human beings as ‘whole-complete-perfect’ a totally new dimension of conversation and action shows up for us; you, me, everyone.  We stop being small! We are free to be BIG: to give wings to our dreams, to act on the world, to co-create a world that works, a world that is wonderful for us all.

Given that we come forth naked of identity, why is it that we have not been conditioned to believe and operate from stand-identity of being at our most fundamental level ‘whole-complete-perfect’?  If we had been conditioned that way, we would operate as ‘gods’ right?  What if those that condition don’t want ‘gods’ and instead want ‘slaves’ who do not know that they are enslaved?  Then giving us the identity of being ‘defective and weak’ would make perfect sense.  So I say choose: slave or god.

Still convinced that you know yourself?  Still convinced that you are defective, small, weak, and powerless? I invite you to watch the following video:

On possibility as an access to transformation


What is the access to transformation?  Specifically, what is the access – for you and me – to transform the quality of our living?  Put simply, it is shifting our being-in-the-world, and thus our showing up in the world, from impotent to potent.  What do I mean?  Let’s take a look at the definitions:

impotent

Adjective: unable to take effective action; helpless or powerless

Synonyms: powerless – weak – feeble – helpless – infirm

potent

Adjective: having a great power, influence or effect.

Synonyms: powerful – strong – forceful – intense

Let’s assume that you and I are up for transformation, up for shifting our being-in-the-world from impotent (the default) to potent.  What is the access to making this shift?  Willpower? No, this rarely works as many New Years resolutions show.  Is it setting goals? No, this rarely works because goals tend to rely on the exercise of willpower.  And willpower tends to fade.  So what is a suitable access?

The access to making the shift is inventing and living from one or more possibilities that move-touch-inspire us. Which begs the question “What is a possibility?” A possibility is not a wish.  Nor is it an intention.  A possibility is not a goal, an outcome, an achievement.  Nor is possibility a belief in that which is possible for a human being.

A possibility is like a context from which one shows up and gives life to one’s life.  A possibility is like a stand that one takes upon oneself.  A possibility is like a path that one chooses to walk of one’s own accord and thus gives up the multitude of other paths that are open to oneself.  A possibility is like a declaration one makes on what constitutes one’s life.  A possibility is always a choice one voluntarily takes upon oneself that gives shapes to one’s life and how one shows up in life.

Still looking for a pointer as to what constitutes a ‘possibility’?  Then let me share this quote from Nikos Kazantzakis (author of Zorba The Greek):

“By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.”  Nikos Kazantzakis

And when he speaks of believing he is talking about the following kind of believing:

“A belief is not merely an idea that is thought, it is an idea in which one believes. And believing is not an operation of the intellectual mechanism, but a function of the living being as such, the function of guiding his conduct, his performance of his task.”  Jose Ortega Y Gasset

A possibility gives meaning to one’s life and power to one’s being-in-the-world.  As such it does more than provide one with a reason to get up in the morning.  It provides one the access to transcend one’s psychology and push the limits of one’s biology as and when this is necessary.  It calls forth one to be unreasonable when unreasonable is what it takes.  In short, it the access to living a life that shows up as fulfilling.  A life worth living.

Why do I write this blog as opposed to put my feet up, watch a move, hang out in a bar?  Because I invented a possibility. What possibility?  The possibility of playing BIG, living an ‘extraordinary’ life, of being a source of contribution to a ‘world that works, none excluded’.  How about you?  What possibility leaves you moved-touched-inspired to be and create that which does not exist today?  What possibility are you up for inventing/living this year?

Please note, that all acts of leadership start with inventing a possibility that leaves one moved-touched-inspired to disclose and create that which does not exist today.

Christmas: a time to be of service and make a difference?


AldinePhotoChristmas2012

I dedicate this post to my wife, Aldine. For me, my wife is the embodiment of that which I want to share with you in this post.

Christmas can be just a ritual we go through or it can be a time to get present.  Present to  what?  Present to being of service and making difference.  Who to?  How about starting with the people who you/I are spending Christmas with.  And then allowing ourselves to ripple out from there to touch all the people whose lives touch our lives, however briefly and lightly.

What does it take to make a difference?

What does it take to make a difference in our lives, in the lives of our fellow human beings, in the world within which we dwell?  It takes courage. What kind of courage?  Let’s listen to a master of the human condition:

“All it takes to make a difference is the courage to stop proving I was right in being unable to make a difference… to stop assigning cause for my inability to the circumstances outside of myself …… and to see that the fear of being a failure is a lot less important than the unique opportunity I have to make a difference.” Werner Erhard

What does it take to make a difference to the people whose lives we touch?

Our ordinary, default, way of showing up in the world does not lend itself to generating great relationships and making a difference.  Why?  Because, if you are like me then you are great with people when they are being great. And not at all great with people when they are not being great.  Put differently and simply, if you are like me then you struggle to put up with people’s garbage – even at Christmas.  What am I pointing at?  I am pointing at the kind of stuff that people say and/or do that drives me up the wall.

Is there another way of showing up in the world that does allow us to be great with people, to generate great relationships, to make a difference.  There is. Here is how Werner Erhard puts it:

“My notion about service is that service is actually that kind of relationship in which you have a commitment to the person. What I mean, in fact, is that for me what service is about is being committed to the other being. To who the other person is.

To the degree that you are, in fact, committed to the other person, you are only as valuable as you can deal with the other person’s stuff, their evidence, their manifestation, and that’s what’s service is about. Service is about knowing who the other person is and being able to tolerate giving space to their garbage. What most people do is to give space to people’s quality and deal with their garbage. Actually, you should do it the other way around. Deal with who they are and give space to their garbage.

Keep interacting with them as if they were God. And every time you get garbage from them, give space to garbage and go back and interact with them as if they were God.”  

It occurs to me that over the last 20 years I have given my wife plenty of my garbage to deal with.  And the only reason that we are still together is that she has a commitment to me (as a ‘soul whose intentions are good’), to our marriage, and to our family.  Out of this commitment she gives space to my garbage and keeps reminding me of who I am.  And for that I am truly grateful!

And finally

I wish each and every one of you a great Christmas and the very best for the New Year. And I am clear that my wishes make no difference at all!  Who makes the difference?  You do!

How do you make the difference?  By getting present to being the authors of your lives.  By getting present to the fact that you matter in how you show up in the world.  By generating the courage to stop proving that you are small and unable to make a difference.  By being of service – the kind of service that Werner Erhard is pointing at.

Leadership always starts with leading oneself from the place of ‘victim’ to ‘author of one’s life’.  From showing up as unable to make a difference to being committed to making a difference.  From playing small to playing BIG!

You are the cause of your suffering / are you running a ‘racket’? (Part III)


This post continues the conversation that commenced earlier and which you can find below:

How can you be about/deal with ‘tiredness’ and ‘hopelessness’? (part I)

You are neither the thoughts nor the feelings that show up (part II)

Let’s get present to where your are at (or were at)

“I tend to always fall for men that are dominant and players. It is difficult for me to be attracted to someone who is less witty and dominant, as I have a strong character. Although I know that it will always lead to hurt and abandonment, am like a moth to a flame.

This is one aspect of your life that you shared with me. You also shared the following with me:

  • “I guess I am feeling the loss of physical intimacy, someone to just be there to hold me when I’m feeling lost and alone.”
  • “Tired of searching for ‘the one’ to be my life companion – whilst desperately longing for one.”

You are the cause of your suffering and you can give it up this instant

There is what you want to be so. There is what is so. There is a difference between what you ‘want to be so’ and ‘what is so’. This difference shows up as ‘painful’ – an issue to be dealt with / a problem to be solved. And you are probably telling yourself that once you have solved this one, met the ‘one’ your life will work out and you will live happily ever after.

Do you notice something interesting? There is no ‘issue’ no ‘problem’ in the world as it is. You are generating this ‘issue’, this ‘problem’, this ‘upset’ and the suffering that goes with it. Let me be plain: YOU are the cause of your own suffering! And you can choose to not suffer – you can do that right now. Let’s take a look at this in more detail:

You have bought into and are living out of a myth. Here is how it goes: I can only be happy if/when I find the ‘one’; the ‘one’ is out there; once I find the ‘one’ or he finds me then all will be great and I will live happily ever after. I know many people who have found the ‘one’ and then found out, later, that life has not worked out and bliss is not ever present. I know of people who have found the ‘one’ only to lose the ‘one’ through death – and they are left grappling with that. I know of people who have found the ‘one’ and then the ‘one’ has cheated and/or left them for another – and these people are left grappling with that. What if you let go of this myth? What if you let go of putting conditions on happiness? What if you choose to be with the fact that right now the ‘one’ is not in your life and you choose to put happiness into your life? Notice that when you put these conditions onto life you are constructing your own prison.

“I know that it will always lead to hurt and abandonment”. Is this so? Let’s take a look at hurt, specifically how you (and I) create hurt. Notice that hurt arises in relation to people and pets. How does it come about? We create and live out of expectations around people – especially those who we are close to / those close to us. We may or may not share these expectations with them. They may or may not agree to our expectations. When the expectations are not met what shows up? Hurt. The bigger the gap between the demands we place on people (whether communicated or not) and what we get/do not get from these people the bigger the hurt. If you and I genuinely want to be free from hurt then we can do that right now: give up any and all expectations of people. You can even go further and ‘expect’ that every single person will act to get what he/she wants out of life – to act ‘selfishly’. Don’t you do the same? So what is the big deal when others do the same as you, same as me? If you practice this you will notice that there is no space for ‘abandonment’ in your life. ‘Abandonment’ is a function of making demands on people, on life, that life does not fulfil. Put differently, it is label for a specific kind of hurt.

Are your running a “racket”?

During my participation in Landmark Education I was exposed to the distinction “racket”. What is a racket? I say a racket is made of the following:

  • Fixed way of being e.g. being demanding, being critical, being helpful, being miserable…
  • Fixed set of behaviour – doing the same things over and over again
  • Recurrent complaint – about someone, something, about yourself
  • Payoff – usually hidden, not acknowledged – what you get out of being/doing what you are being/doing

Let’s get clear on this: you find a certain type of man attractive; you go for this type; you get what you get and you take it; at some point the ‘hurt’ and ‘abandonment’ shows up in your life’; you ‘beat yourself up’ in some way or form; you do the same again and again; and then you plead that you are simply a ‘moth to a flame’.

Well you are not a ‘moth’! You are human being who can envisage future, see possibilities, be other than that which you are being, pursue possibilities/paths other than what you are on today, do stuf that you are not doing today, stop doing stuff that you are doing…. you can even choose to give up your life. To be a human being is to be ‘the one that is always the chooser, always, not that which is chosen nor that which shows up or is imposed’. You can play at being ‘small’, ‘helpless’ even ‘pathetic’, that might work with you friends/family – it does not work with me. I relate to you as a ‘force of nature’ who can at any and all times invent and live into futures that leave your experience of living transformed. You are ‘BIG’, you really are. The question is, when will you choose to ‘play BIG’?

So now that we have distinguished the upper most level of racket – playing ‘small’ and asking for ‘leniency’ or ‘help’ let’s move on to the second level of your racket as I see it. Notice, I am not making truth claims. I am simply sharing my perspective with you, you might not like it and I say that is fine, try it out and see if it works. If it works then keep it, if it does not then you can drop it – I am not attached to it, you won’t hurt my feelings. Back to racket.

I say that you ‘ok’ with what is so including the ‘hurt’ and ‘abandonment’. Why? Because whatever it is that you are getting is of more value to you then the cost that you are paying. Put differently, the ‘payoff’ exceeds the ‘cost’ and so you continue doing what you are doing. Do you want to create the space in which you can choose to give up this game? Then look ruthlessly at the payoff – this will taking brutal honesty with yourself and we, human beings, are poor at that. What might that ‘payoff’ be?

  • You get to be right about men – they cannot be trusted, they are selfish;
  • You get to be right about yourself – you are small, helpless, cannot help yourself, cannot control yourself, you are passionate-different-trusting…..
  • You get sympathy – you can tell the story of how life is not working out and get attention, get sympathy………..
  • You get out of demands that you or others would otherwise place on you – after all if you are ‘hurt’ and ‘abandoned’ then you can give yourself a ‘get out of jail for free’ card and others typically do the same for you
  • By playing this ‘game’ you keep yourself occupied rather than being bored – it is better than ‘nothing’
  • Your belief in the myth of the ‘one’ continues intact and your dreams are not shattered……

The list is endless yet the buckets are not. What do I mean? Some wise folks have pointed out that human behaviour is driven by:

  • Looking good avoiding looking bad – which is why walk around with masks and are almost never truly ourselves
  • Being right and making others wrong – even if that means going to war and millions get killed
  • Dominating others and avoiding being dominated – in a family there is no-one as dominant as the one that gets the others to believe that he/she is helpless, ‘small’ and needs to be given special exemptions and be looked after!
  • Validating yourself (everything including your beliefs and points of view) and invalidating others – I experienced a great example of this morning when Matthew, Jehovah’s witness came to my door to show me the error of my ways and convert me.

Breaking free from your “racket”

‘Sister’ be ruthless with yourself and get clear on the ‘payoff’ and the ‘cost’ of playing this game. When it comes to ‘cost’ look at both the cost that you pay now, that you are paying longer term, and the cost that the people in your life pay. When you have written that out then get present to it – step into it, experience it. Once you have done that – are clear on the ‘payoff’ and ‘cost’ as experienced – then choose. Choose to play this game of falling for/going for the dominant men, the players, and if you do this then you give up complaining. Or choose to give this game up. If you choose to give it up then you create space to invent a more inspiring-moving-touching-uplifting game.

Finally, remember what I said earlier – you are creating your own suffering and you can give that up right now. How? Be with life as it is and as it is not. I wish you well and it will not make a difference. You, only you, are the difference that can make a difference to your experience of your living. Your destiny lies in you.

I have failed, am I a failure?


Karl Jaspers on failure

“The ultimate situations – death, chance, guilt and the uncertainty of the world – confront me with the reality of failure. What do I do in the face of absolute failure, which if I am honest I cannot fail to recognize? …Crucial for man is his attitude toward failure………………The way in which man approaches failure determines what he will become.”

When I look at my life it occurs to me that I have failed in so many ways

I have failed to be the kind of husband I imagined and was up for being. And I imagine that my wife sees me as a failure as a husband.

I have failed to be the kind of father I imagined and was up for being. And the kind of results I expected to show up failed to show up. I suspect that one or more of children see me as a flawed father.

I have failed to be the kind of son I imagined and was up for being. And my father often tells me how much of a disappointment I am and how I failed him.

I have failed to be the kind of brother I imagined and was up for being. My relationship with one of my brothers is particularly difficult.

I have failed to be the kind of uncle I imagined and was up for being. I came out strong out of the starting gate and then my own children arrived.

I have failed to be the kind of friend I imagined and was up for being.

I have failed to be a ‘good employee’ – you could say I am blessed/cursed with an independence of mind and the rebelliousness to go with it.

I have failed to the kind of neighbour I imagined and was up for being though I have good enough relationships with my neighbours.

I have failed to arrive at the kind of career / financial success I envisaged when I was young and at university.

I have failed in making something great out of Humanity In Action even though it got off to a great start.

I have failed to have the kind of impact I wanted and imagined that I would have on people’s lives (for the better) and the world. My sister once told me something like “I used to so look up to you. Nowadays, I am just disappointed in you.” And she had every right to be. I was at least that disappointed in myself!

I have failed to master myself – the automatic machinery that just shows up and spoils the show. This failure is the one that stings the most if I let it sting.

I have failed does that mean I am a failure?

Given that I have failed in so many ways I am free – not trapped by the allure of ‘perfection’, ‘success’, ‘reputation’, ‘looking good and avoiding looking bad’. I am free to simply be, to live, to be grateful for the privilege of living as I live: in a safe country; in an affluent/safe neighbourhood; in a nice house; as a member of a family; with the privilege of sight which allows me to be present to beauty, to navigate, to read; with the privilege of sound such that I get to enjoy music; with the privilege of movement so I can move, dance, cycle, play sports; with the privilege of touch so that I can give and receive hugs; with the privilege of language so that I can speak myself and connect with my fellow human beings in/through conversation.

I am that which I am. Anything else is simply a label that I put on myself or someone else – mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, friend – puts on me. What I am really interested in is this question: how can I live such that I ‘play BIG’: live an ‘extraordinary’ life: be of service to my fellow human beings; to put something into, to contribute to the game of life; and co-create a ‘world that works’, none excluded. The question is how well am I living that mission? The answer is that I can play this game much more powerfully then I am playing right now!

You and I can live in the past or be fully embedded in the present (surviving, fixing, looking good and avoiding looking bad) or we can invent, project and live into possibilities (like the possibility of ‘playing BIG’) that provide meaning for our lives, that move-touch-inspire us to live resolutely and play full-out in this game called Life.

Want to live an ‘extraordinary’ life and show up as leader? Then get to grips with and live from the following distinctions and insights


Ordinary living: we play ‘victim’, we avoid responsibility for what is so and what is not so, we are left complaining

Engaged in a conversation on leadership, my partner in this conversation asked something like “What is the cause of poor leadership and how is it that poor leaders stay in power?”  I replied something like “Us”, he looked puzzled so I continued “I am the cause, you are the cause, we are the cause!”  This response took him by surprise.  So I continued “By following ‘poor leaders’ we tell these leaders that they are ok, their leadership style is ok. And as such we encourage them to continue being who they are being and doing what they are doing.  We are the cause of poor leaders and poor leadership”

He got it instantly and dropped the conversation – the ‘complaint’ around/about poor leaders stopped instantly.  I saw that my partner got access to the ‘truth’ and that this ‘truth’ opened his eyes and set him free – free from his ‘complaint’.   This got me thinking that it is time for me to share, with you, some powerful distinctions and insights which are the pillars of this blog.

‘Extraordinary’ living: what is the access to living powerfully, living a transformed life?

The access to ‘playing BIG’, living powerfully, living an ‘extraordinary’ life and generating a transformation in the quality of  living requires that one creates a map of the territory (of our lives, the situations we find ourselves in, the world at large) that is both ‘accurate’ and which leaves one being an ‘author’ rather than a character (or characters) in the play of Life.

Let’s listen, profoundly, to a master of living – Werner Erhard. Why?  Because you want to have your life work.  Right?  Because you understand that you only get one go at living and you want that living to count.  Right?  Because you don’t simply want to live you want to feel ALIVE. Right?  If that does not resonate with you then stop reading and go do something else.  If it does then stop everything, be silent, be present and soak in the mind-blowing insight / wisdom that Werner Erhard unconceals for us.  Why?  Because you and I are locked inside the prison of ordinary living and Werner is giving us the keys to our freedom, to living an ‘extraordinary’ life.

Responsibility: is the access to being powerful and living an ‘extraordinary’ life?

“Responsibility is not burden, fault, praise, blame, credit, shame or guilt.  All of these include judgments of good and bad, right and wrong, or better and worse.  They are not responsibility.

Responsibility starts with the willingness to experience your Self as cause in the matter……  Responsibility starts with the willingness to deal with the situation from the point of view, whether in the moment realised or not, that you are the source of who you are, what you do and what you have.  This point of view extends to include even what is done to you and ultimately what another does to another.  Ultimately, responsibility is a context – a context of Self as source – for the content, i.e., for what is.”   Werner Erhard

Wow!  Do you get that?  Responsibility is a choice.  It is a choice that only you can make.  It is gift that only you can give yourself.  Why is it a gift?  Because choosing to view yourself and operate from the context ‘I matter, I have a say in how I am being, how I live, how the world works, how the world turns out’ transforms your being, your experience of yourself and your living.  It moves you from being a ‘victim’ and ‘complaining’ to a creator of possibilities, the Director of the play called ‘My Life, My World’ and this leaves you being powerful (powerful as opposed to forceful)  in the world.  It is really important that you get the distinctions ‘context’ and ‘content’.

Accountability: the access to joy, fearlessness, energy and satisfaction?

“Accountability is the opportunity to live at choice rather than accidentally.  Accountability is the opportunity to carve out a future rather than sit back and have it happen to you.  Accountability held as stand ‘as one’s word’ is the ground from which one’s own transformation is created ongoingly.   Transfomation lives in accountability.  Without accountability, without committed speaking, without promises and declarations, there is no transformation…..

A promise has real power.  A promise made from the stand that ‘who you are is your word’, engages you as a participant.  You cease to be a spectator, and your words become actions that impact the world.  With a promise you create a condition that supports your commitment rather than your moods.  When motivational dialog comes up about your preferences versus your commitments, and you disregard the dialog in favour of doing what you said you would do solely because you said so, you distinguish yourself from your psychology.  In that moment you are your word as an action, rather than only an idea you have.  In that moment, the promise becomes who you are rather than something you said and your relationship to the world shifts.  You find yourself producing results that seem discontinuous and unpredictable from the point of the view of the spectator.   The experience is one of joy, fearlessness, irrepressible energy and satisfaction. ”  Werner Erhard

If you get this, really get this then you, your living, how you show up in the world, your experience of living will never be as it was before you read this.  If you didn’t get it that way then go back and read it again – read it out aloud to yourself, read it slowly savouring the words.  Let the words sink in.  If after that you are still left untouched then move on:  the master will appear when the student is ready – always.

Integrity:  why it matters and the price we pay when we give it up

“You and I go through life and you would be surprised how much of the time, in life, the question, ‘How can I live and have integrity at the same time?‘ is present.  It’s very difficult for people to live with integrity.  Usually, there seems to be a conflict between integrity and living.  The fact is that you give up your life when you compromise integrity.”  Werner Erhard

Be careful how you read this because when Werner speaks ‘Integrity’ he is not speaking what you are most likely to be thinking he is speaking.  When Werner speaks ‘Integrity’ he is not referring to morals and virtues – being a ‘good person’ or a ‘upstanding citizen’.  No.  Werner is pointing out / speaking on the subject of wholeness; the match between your word, your being and your actions; the fit between who you hold yourself out to be for yourself and the world and how you show up in terms of your being, doing and having.  If I say “I am going to drive over to your home and smash your car tomorrow!” and then tomorrow I drive over and smash you car then in a sense I am in Integrity.  Yet, it is not as simple as that.  If I declare myself to be “kind, calm, considerate and law abiding citizen” then I am out of Integrity when I say “I am going to drive over to our home and smash your car tomorrow!”

Making a difference: what does it take to make a difference?

“All it takes to make a difference is the courage to stop proving I was right in being unable to make a difference….. to stop assigning cause for my inability to the circumstances outside of myself….. And to see that the fear of being a failure is a lot less important than the unique opportunity I have to make a difference.”  Werner Erhard

There it is!  If you and I are serious, as in moved-touched-inspired, about making a difference in the world then Werner has left us nowhere to hide.  Werner is telling us that we have the capacity to make a difference and to make a difference we simply have to quit ‘playing small’ – quit making excuses, quite playing ‘victim’, quite being small in life.

Summing it up

You and I want our lives to work.  You and I want the ‘world to work’.  What does it take, what is the access having a a life that works and a world that works?  The access, according to Werner Erhard as I understand Werner Erhard, is Responsibility, Accountability and being in Integrity – as explained in this post not as commonly understood and spoken about in our day-to-day living.

Incidentally, when you live into and from these distinctions, and the context that is intimately associated with these distinctions, then you will show up as a leader.  Showing up as a leader in the world is simply a side effect of living from/out of Responsibility, Accountability and Integrity.


Love and Life – not your usual perspective!


Occasionally I read or hear something that introduces a glitch in the ‘matrix of my mind’, lifts me out of my default state of ‘fallenness’ and provides an opening into a ‘new world’, new way of being. Before I share that with you let’s get present to what is so in the ordinary way of living in which almost all of us are embedded almost all of the time.

Ordinary living: love as finding someone special and ‘being in love’

What is ordinary way of think about love?  If you are like me it is likely to be something like:

  • Love as a feeling – as in ‘I love you’ which more accurately said is “I feel love for you”;
  • Love as quest for that special someone – as in ‘I need to find someone to love me for me to feel OK, to feel complete’; and
  • Love as in falling in love – it is not enough for us that someone loves us, we strive to find that someone we love and who loves us!

What shows up when we approach love standing in this clearing: one of wanting, need and feeling?  If you are like me and I say that you are, more accurately most of you are, then it does not work out that great, does it?  It is not that easy to find that someone special.  And even when you do, how long does that feeling of ‘being in love’ last?  How do we react when that feeling is no longer there?  Does frustration, disappointment, anger, bitterness, self-criticism ofr choosing the wrong person (again!), restlessness, feeling cheated, feeling deprived – do these seem familiar to you?

In life and living there is risk and there is pain – that is simply what is so.  What is not within life itself is suffering.  Suffering –  this is what we introduce into our lives because we have a faulty view of life, of reality.  And I cannot think of a domain of life where are as mistaken as we are in the domain of life called ‘love and loving’.  Consequently, we suffer greatly.

Extraordinary living: Clea Iqbal speaks a forgotten ‘truth’

Here are the words that introduce a glitch in the ‘matrix of my mind’, lift me out of my default state of ‘fallenness’ and provide an opening into a ‘new world’, new way of being.

“Love is something everyone wants,

many do not realise they are loved,

someone cares for them lovingly,

and watches out for them.
________________________________________

Many people go out looking for love to be happy,

and they don’t realise,

to be happy,

you don’t need to love someone,

nor have someone love you.

_________________________________________

You need only to love life itself!”

Do you get the wisdom, the beauty, the power, the freedom, that Clea has made available to each of us?  Being alive – see, hear, feel, touch, play, create, taste – is a privilege!  That is what Clea is pointing out.  What would show up in your living if you lived your life from this vantage point, from this stand?

Leadership is about disclosing new worlds, new possibilities and modeling that behaviour.   What impact would you have on those close to you, those you work with, those come across, the world at large?  Would it not show up as a transformation in the quality of your living and of our world?   Are you prepared to be that big and ‘play BIG’?  Are your prepared to be a leader?

About Clea Iqbal

Clea is daughter to me as I am father to her.  From time to time she comes out with profound insights that blow my mind and my heart.  So I invited her to share her voice and her insights with all of us both as self-expression and as contribution.  She took me up on this invitation and we set up a blog for her: Clea’s Blog

A final thought: perhaps one of the practices that we can incorporate into our living and of loving life is allowing/encouraging/enabling our fellow human beings to speak authentically and put that speaking into the world.

Resist or be with that which shows up in your life?


‘Ordinary’ living: judging, embracing, rejecting what shows up

Have you noticed that the default setting of your life is such that you struggle ‘being with’ that which shows up in your life, your living?  Have you noticed that stuff shows up in your life and automatically your machinery gets busy classifying into any number of buckets: ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘right’, ‘wrong’, ‘great’, ‘awful’, ‘ok’, ‘not ok’?  Have you noticed that once your machinery (which is always on 24x7x365) has slotted stuff that shows up into one of these buckets then it generates an automatic response?  I am talking about the feelings that arise, the thoughts that arise, what you say to yourself or to others.

What do you do with the stuff that shows up in your life and which is not OK with your machinery?  If you are like me and most of your fellow human beings then your natural, automatic, response is to resist.  Yes, the ordinary being of human being, is to resist that which does not fit in with our needs, our expectations, our desires, our view of the world, of ourselves.  How does that tend to turn out?  Does your resistance to what shows up work?  Does it leave you with insight, with a greater freedom to be, with peace, with joy?  It does none of those for me.  The more I resist the more trapped I become, the less present I am to life, the less present I am to the beauty in life and all the stuff that I can be grateful for: the ability to see the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the face of my children, my wife, you; the ability to hear – my favourite music that makes me feel and usually gets me dancing with a huge smile on my face; the ability to touch / hold my wife, daughter and sons……

How can I help you to visualise this?  Think about gusts and tornados.  Many years back (I think it was 1987) really powerful gusts hit the UK and felled many trees all over the UK.  The interesting fact is that the trees that fell were the older, bigger, stronger trees.  When these fierce gusts hit these ‘proud and strong’ trees stood their ground.  They resisted and many of them fell.  On the other and the younger trees, those that were supple, simply bent with the gusts, let them pass and then straightened up and went back to the way they were before the gust arrived.  Most of us are like those older trees whereas toddlers/young children are like the younger trees.

‘Extraordinary’ living: be with what shows up

When you stand in the clearing called ‘extraordinary’ living then you purposefully take a particular stance with that which shows up in your life.  You accept that which shows up in your life and you be with whatever shows up just as it is and just as it is not.  One way of pointing at and showing up the attitude associated with this stand is “Wow, how interesting?  Who am I being in the world that this shows up in my life?  What is the lesson that this is bringing with it?  What test am I being put through?  What questions am I being asked?”

Let me give you an example to further illustrate this.  On Saturday, waves of sadness and melancholy hit me out of the blue.  I found tears running down my cheeks.  If I had been immersed in ordinary living then I would have made this wrong.  I would have called myself weak and told myself to stop being a baby and be a man.  Furthermore, I would have told myself to get a grip because “you have no reason to cry, life is great, you have so much to be thankful for!”

As it happened I was present and so was able to step into ‘playing BIG’ and coming from that space I accepted that what was so was so. Instead of judging it, categorising, resisting it, I chose simply to be with it.  Actually, I went further, I dived into it – kind of became one with it.  I felt the feelings deeply, I connected with the parts of my body that were generating those tears, I noticed the rythm….. What was remarkable about this experience?  The sadness/melancholy was present, the tears were present, the deep sobbing was present and yet I was totally peaceful, totally relaxed!

By the end of day the waves of sadness/melancholy departed as quickly as they arrived and as far as I can tell for no reason.  What was I left with?  I was left with the insight that the ’cause’ of those waves of sadness/melancholy was me reading a particular chapter of The Brothers Karamazov.  What I got present to was that the waves of sadness/melancholy were the speaking of a certain part of me – the spiritual side.  Why the sadness? Because until recently, and for a long time, I had locked up that side of me.  The spiritual side of me had been in prison, bound hand and foot, gagged, kept in the dark, unfed.  And through those waves of sadness/melancholy it was simply letting go of the pain.  What I got present to was that those waves of sadness/melancholy were and are a gift.  A gift that shows me that ‘being a decent human being’ matters to me.  A gift that shows up that a natural and powerful part of my self-expression is to speak my truth, to be of service to my fellow human beings, to contribute, to put something into the game of life, to work to co-create a ‘world that works’, none excluded.

I leave you with this question:  what would have been my experience (and where would I be now) if I had resisted those waves of sadness/melancholy?   Now I ask you a question: are you willing to ‘play BIG’, to accept/be with what shows up in your life and ‘learn’ that which there is to learn, to face the question that life is posing, to undergo the test that life is putting you through?  Or you are going to go with ordinary living and resistance?

Remember:

a) ‘playing BIG’ is a gift that you grant yourself and only you can grant that gift to yourself.

b) Leadership ALWAYS starts with yourself – if you can be with that which shows up and learn from it then you can model that stance for the people you are leading.

Son, is this who I am? Let me be truthful with myself and with you


A birthday card that makes me cry!

This month we celebrated my birthday and as usual the question was “What do you want for your birthday?”.  As usual my answer was “I am blessed, I don’t need anything.  Really, I don’t need anything.  What I’d like is heartfelt, handmade card from you to me.”  And that is what I got.  The one that really captured my heart is this one:

When I read this card for the first time I was deeply touched and moved to tears.  Every time I read this card I am deeply touched – the tears just flow down my cheeks.  Great, this card makes me feel good.  The deeper, more interesting, question, for me, is this one: “Is it true?  Is this an accurate description of me?”

Who am i?

I am clear that “i” does not live up to the picture that my son paints.  What do I mean by “i”?  What / who am I pointing at/towards?  When I use the term “i” I am pointing at the automatic machinery of human beings.  The machinery that is always there, always running, and which runs me.  What are the characteristics of this machinery, this “i”?  In my case I associate the following with my “i”: selfish, critical, safety seeking, negative, impatient, intolerant, aggressive, unhelpful, manipulative, looking for approval, seeking admiration, lying, pretense, cowardly, focussed on me, me, me and my survival.  Not a flattering picture is it?  Yet, if I am to accept the picture painted by my son it occurs to me that I must also be present to and mindful of this aspect of me.

Who am I?

I am clear that who I am is not “i”.  That is to say that I am clear that I am not my automatic machinery – the “i”.   I am clear that I am the conscious, self-determining being, who declares that I am the author of my life.  I am the person who totally gets “At all times, under all circumstances, I have the power to transform my life”.   I am clear that I am the person who has invented and entered myself into ‘playing BIG’ of living an ‘extraordinary’ life, of being of service, of being a source of contribution, of co-creating a ‘world that works’ none excluded.

What does that mean for me, my living, my life?

To show up as the kind of person that my son writes about, is proud of, and loves it takes something.  First, I have to be constantly mindful that the default condition of human existence is “i” and the game that goes with that ‘playing small’.  Second, I have to create myself as the “I” that is committed to be ‘playing BIG‘; living an ‘extraordinary’ life; being of service / contribution to my fellow human beings; putting something into life; being a stand for a ‘world that works’ none excluded.   Third, I have to keep “I” and the game that I is playing in existence.  And a fundamental part of keep “I” and the game I is playing in existence is telling the truth.

So here is my truth for you my son.  If I was as great as you say I am then your card would not mean anything to me.  My truth is that often and frequently I am not being the person that you describe and that you are proud of.  Yet, I am clear that my stand is to be the kind of person that you describe, that you are proud of, that you love.  And living from that context I am deeply touched by your card and the the small contribution I have made to your life.  Your act of kindness towards the beggar moves-touches me deeply and inspires me to be my Stand and play full out to be a source of contribution to you, our fellow human beings and Life itself.  And within that context, falling short of the mark encourages me redouble my Being and my effort.  I love you. 


What will be inscribed on your headstone? “something was left” or “used up!”


A funny story my physics professor told me

In the final year of my physics degree I told the professor that I was thinking of going into business upon graduation.  On hearing this he told me this story:

“A wounded soldier is flown back to the USA.  Due to the miracles of medicine the medics heal all kinds of wound and after some time the soldier is once again walking around.  There is only one problem his brain is damaged and needs to be replaced.  Luckily for this soldier the USA has pioneered the process of brain transpanting.  The day comes when the soldier has to choose a brain.

The soldier is greeted by the surgeon.  The surgeon tells him “We’ll do the transplant but you need to pay for the brain.”  And then proceeds to show the soldier some brains (in vats).  The soldier asks “How much is this brain?” The surgeon says “$500”.  Then the soldier asks “How much is that brain?”  The surgeon replies “$500,000!”.

Shocked at such a big difference in price for two brains that look identical, the solder asks “Why such a big difference in price?”  The surgeon replies “The first brain belonged to a physicist and it has been heavily used.  The second brain, well that belongs to a businessman – its never been used!””

Lets move from the brain to life – and death.

What will be inscribed on your headstone? 

When you die and end up in grave what will be inscribed on your headstone:

Will your headstone read “Something left over” or will it read “All used up!”?  Let’s listen to what Werner Erhard has to say on this.  Here are his words:

“We’re willing to give up, to sacrifice, our own self expression.  You see on your tombstone, what they are going to put on your tombstone, when you die?  Something was left.  And we don’t know what it is or was. See, they ain’t going to put on your tombstone: used up.  Cause you ain’t going to get used up. Uh-uh!  You’re going to save it, till prince Charming comes, then you’re going to give it.  But not now, not here, not for this, not for what you got.

Most people are going to go to their grave with the sense that there was something in them that never got expressed.  That there was something there, something of real value, something that could make a difference, something that could have been a contribution that just never got expressed.  And most of us are going to our grave like that.  Because we are willing to sacrifice our own full self expression for the avoidance of responsibility. To avoid the domination of taking on life like an opportunity……”

“Playing BIG” requires you, me, us to let go of the default

Let’s be clear the default setting is such that our headstone will read “something left over – had something of value to express, to contribute, and never expressed it, never put it into the game of life”.  That is simply what is so.  How does that sound to you?  Is that how you want to live your life?  Is that the legacy you want to leave behind?

How about gettting off our metaphorical backsides and being cause in the matter of our lives.  How about a ‘Playing BIG’? How about being ALL used up by the time you arrive in your grave?  Wondering what that looks like?  Here is a wonderful quote from George Bernard Shaw:

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no ‘brief candle’ to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations.”

‘Playing BIG’, living an ‘extraordinary’ life is a choice that I, you, we, have to make and keep in existence knowing full well that we will meet all kinds of obstacles – they simply go along with choosing this path.  They are essential to this path – they test our commitment, they are the fire that forges us from “the small man”, the “common man” to the “superman”.

Remember: not choosing this path (again and again and again) is choosing the default a life of ‘smallness’ and a tombstones that reads “something was left – something of value was never expressed!”

How exactly did an ‘ordinary’ meal show up as an ‘extra-ordinary’ experience?


The Experience

The other day I woke up, got ready, drove my youngest to school and set about working.  Being totally engrossed in my work I arrived at 13:30 – all that I was committed to doing was done.  That is when I noticed how hungry I was – really hungry – and so I made my way down to the kitchen.  Around about two o’clock I experienced eating a DELICIOUS meal.  What was extraordinary about this particular meal?

The food? No – it was simply white pasta with green pesto, leaves of lettuce and cherry tomatoes mingling with French vinaigrette.  This is a dish that I had eaten earlier in the week and not even noticed it.

The setting? No – I was sit in my kitchen on the usual stool, in the usual position, at the usual height, looking at the usual stuff.

The ambience?  No – I was alone, there was no television or music or anything else happening.  In that sense it was a meal like countless others I have taken part in.

So what made the experience of this meal such a special experience?   Hunger was present in a BIG way – it showed up in my world as being ‘starving’ and ‘lacking energy’.  Coming from this context I experienced each mouthful – I actually was present to and tasted each mouthful of food.  I tasted the pasta, the green pesto, the salad leaves, the cherry tomatoes and the vinaigrette.  Every mouthful showed up as perfect.

What I am Taking Away From This / Committed to Keeping in Existence

So often I, you, we are looking for stuff on the outside.  How often have I looked for the right restaurant, the right food, the right date to create an extraordinary dining experience – one that I would enjoy, one that I would remember?  Countless times.

Yet the access to the experience of ‘extra-ordinary’ living is on the inside – my, your, our inner state of being.  Notice:  when real hunger is present the most ordinary of foods (in our usual way of perceiving stuff) shows up as extraordinary!

Final Thought

When I mention to people that I am committed to ‘Playing BIG’ and living an ‘extra-ordinary life’ many automatically assume that I am going to do extraordinary stuff like perhaps climb Mountain Everest.  That is not what I am pointing at when I use the term ‘extra-ordinary’.  When I use the term ‘extra-ordinary’ I am pointing at the internal dimension that allows for the ‘ordinary’ to show up as ‘extraordinary’ in lived experience.  Or as Dan Millman writes in The Way of the Peaceful Warrior: “there are no ordinary moments”.  That is the game I am playing: living in a way that all moments show up as ‘extra-ordinary’ moments in my living.  How will I fare in this game?

 

‘Playing BIG’ – what the heck is that?


I’ve noticed something interesting.  There appears to be default listening around what constitutes ‘Playing BIG’ when it comes to the people that I know and have shared this Possibility with.  This default listening involves a vision of the future, bold goals, striving after achieving those goals.  There is also an element of ‘being someone’ rather than simply another human being.  So a great example of ‘Playing BIG’ within this listening would be to set up a vision of being at the top of Mount Everest, setting up the goal of being there at the top say by the end of this year and then getting busy making that happen.  And when that vision is achieved then I become someone ‘BIG’ – as now I am someone rather than anyone!

That is not how I speak or listen to ‘Playing BIG’ – not for me, not for you. I am clear that ‘Playing BIG’ will show up differently for different people.  For me ‘Playing BIG” occurs primarily in the domain of who I am being rather than what I am doing or what I am getting out (achieving) of life.   For you ‘Playing BIG’ may occur in the realm of achieving e.g. generating a $1 million in this calendar year, climbing Mount Everest or lifting 100 children out of poverty.

Looking more deeply into ‘Playing BIG’ I see that for me ‘Playing BIG’ involves the following:

a) Allowing my fellow human beings and especially my family members (who I interact with daily and share a living space) to be – just as they are and just as they are not. This occurs as a BIG ask as my default position is not to do this – it is ‘force’ them to fit into my point of view on how they should be.  I am noticing that I have been failing at this often despite my commitment to ‘Playing BIG’.

b) Allowing the world to be – just as it is and just as it is not.  Just the other day I was in a hurry to buy a phone case and I noticed the volcano of frustration and annoyance building up in me.  I get that my default position is that the world should work so as to accommodate my desire, my wishes – instantly.

c) Expanding my circle of concern beyond myself.  WOW – whilst meditating this morning I got that I have been so attached to ‘Playing BIG’ that in the process I have been ‘attached to not losing my face’ with the people who I have shared my stand in life (including that of ‘Playing BIG’) and as such I have been being selfish.  Specifically, I have not been being generous (compassionate listening, making time available, doing what was natural to do in the moment) with my family.

d) Expanding the zone of my self-expression and vulnerability.  Specifically, breaking out of the prison that I have allowed to build up around my self-expression.  In the process of expanding this circle of ‘self-expression and vulnerability’ I have opened up this blog to Google (before you had to know it existed to find it).  I have been singing.  I have been dancing.  I have been giving hugs.  I have been playing table-tennis.  I have been disclosing parts of myself that I have not disclosed before.

e) Dealing with my emotions (and upsets) in a way that creates harmony with self and fellow human beings rather than creates upset and discord.  When immersed in ‘Playing small’ i tends to let emotions fly and land where they land.  i does not take responsibility for what it is doing and the impact it is having on self and others.

f) Coming from the stand that I am responsible for my life (how it occurs to me, what phenomena show up) and letting go of the position ‘I am small and simply one of the pawns in the game of life‘.  That is a big one especially when I notice that I am automatically immersed in a world where the default condition is that almost no-one (from the ‘top to the bottom’) takes responsibility for their lives and the world that we live in.  We are all so busy ‘playing victim’, being self righteous and pointing the finger.  When it comes to that game, my i is as good at playing that game as anyone else that I know on this Earth.

To sum this up I’d say that for me ‘Playing BIG’ occurs as ‘mastery over my ‘self’, the ‘i’ that tends to run me.  For you it might be ‘mastery over the world or some aspect of it’.  And that is OK.

Now when I say that this is how ‘Playing BIG’ occurs to me.  Specifically, I mean that is how it occurs to me right now.  If new stuff  shows up then I am open to letting that influence how ‘Playing BIG’ occurs for me and how I play ‘Playing BIG’. And that means letting go of attachment to ‘my face – winning it or losing it’.  If you are remotely like me then you will know that is a HUGE ask: being who you are being, doing what you are doing, having what you are having without consideration of ‘looking good and avoiding looking bad in the eyes of others’ is truly ‘Playing BIG’.  How many of us play that BIG?

Own your story, own your experience and tell the truth, ruthlessly, to yourself and others


Yesterday the family (five us) spent some time just being together and sharing what we were happy to share about our lives.  I found myself laughing when my younger son was sharing his encounters and experiences at school: it was not the content that ticked me, it was the way he was being and how he was expressing himself.  At one point all of us were laughing and I could see that my younger son was enjoying the relationship – our laughing had him laughing.   Then the laughter died – at least inside of me.  How?  Why?

My son mentioned that he was going to the taking the foundation course in English.   There is nothing to that statement – it is just words.  Yet, that is not what the mind (I hesitate to call it my mind as I do not own it and I do not control it, it controls me and in that respect i belong to it) made it mean.  Straight away my experience was that of disappointment and anger.  Given that was the case, what do you think I said?  I found myself listening to the following: “I don’t care, do whatever you want, it’s your life!”

Reflecting on that experience I am present to the fact that I lied.  I made that statement to persuade / convince myself that “I do not care, do whatever you want, its your life!”.  Why did I need to convince myself?  Some part of me cared deeply about what my son studies and how well he does.  And that part was disappointed that my son had not stayed with the original course: it listened to the foundation course as a lesser course and listened to my son as someone who does not have high standard.  Once I got what had occurred and that I was the source of my experience all of my disappointment and anger just flew away (instantly) and I was left  with “What a jerk I am when I am playing small!”

If I was ‘Playing BIG’ I would have owned my experience and been truthful.  I’d have said: when you said “I am doing the foundation course in English” I noticed that disappointment and anger were present in my world and I noticed that my stomach tightened up as if I was going to be sick.  That tells me that I have a point of view on what course you should be taking in English.  It also tells me that I have a stake in what you are doing and how well you are doing.

If I had been ‘Playing BIG’ I would have owned by story and been truthful.  I’d have said: “I know that you have extremely high standards.  In fact sometimes I think your standards are too high – unreasonable.  It just does not strike me that you have to play to get A* in all of your subjects.  I know that you are on track to do well.  I also know that you struggle to do well in English and realistically you expect to get a B.  Will the foundation course allow you to get a B?”  Most likely he would have said (which he later did say) “My teacher and I are aiming for a B and the foundation course will allow me to get that without all the stress I am putting myself under trying to get an A/A*”.  And I would have said “I wonder what it is about me that I am or was disappointed and angry when you mentioned that you are going to switch to the foundation course?”

It strikes me that a core part of ‘Playing small’ (which is what I have been doing for the last 10 years) is lying to myself and others.  It also strikes me that another core part of ‘Playing small’ is not taking responsibility for ‘my story’ (what I tell myself about how I should be, people should be, the world should be) – noticing it and owning it.  Not using it to beat up others even if the beating up is indirect through statements like “I don’t care, it’s your life, do what you want!”

So if you are up for entering into the game of ‘Playing BIG’ full out then you also need to adopt these practices:  own your story, own your experience and be ruthlessly honest with yourself and with people you are in relationship with.

Playing BIG full out: Tuesday 27th Dec 2011 – an ordinary day, an extraordinary experience


The automatic machinery of ‘Playing small’ kick into action yet fails

I went to sleep at 3:15 am and I awoke and got out of bed at 6:35.  Was I tired?  Clearly not because there was no-one in the house and no noise to wake me up and yet I did awake.  Upon waking the automatic machinery of ‘Playing small’ kicked into action and i was telling myself “i am tired, i should go back to sleep.”  What saved me?  I kicked into action and reminded me that I am ‘Playing BIG’ and I had given my Word (to my parents) that I’d spend today with them. I choose to leave for Preston (220 miles away) by 9am – that is the objective I set myself.

Dressing in accordance with ‘Playing BIG’

After showering, taking my medicine and breakfast I went up to my bedroom to get dressed.  When I had been wrapped up in playing small I would have automatically picked up and worn second class clothes – clothes that had seen better days.  Today, mindful of the fact that I chose and committed to the game called ‘Playing BIG” I took out a brand new pair of Chinos, a blue shirt and my blue blazer (with the gold buttons).  Once I had finished dressing I was aware that I was still not dressed in accordance with playing big.  What was letting me down?  The wallet and the worn out shoelaces.  I made a commitment to deal with these issues when I got to Preston.

‘Playing BIG’ rests on the foundation of honouring my word as myself

The previous day I had promised my son that before leaving the house (he was sleeping over at a friends) I would leave him £60 and that I would take the spare keys put them in a plastic bag and hide them in the rather large garden just in case he needed them in an emergency.  I was also mindful that I had committed to put the rubbish bin outside ready to be collected tomorrow morning.

I packed and then I put all of my luggage in the car. Then I put the rubbish bin out where it needs to be if it is to be emptied tomorrow.  What is missing?  Music – but not old music. So I headed back into house and remembered where the right music was sitting – I had once played the game of ‘Playing BIG’.  I took the music cassettes to the car – yes it is that long since I last played the game called ‘Playing BIG’.

Getting into the car to go to the bank I noticed that the car need refuelling.  So I headed to petrol station that had a cashpoint and took care of both the petrol and the cash.  I drove back home, took out £100 put them in a clear plastic money bag and left a note for my son.  It reads “I love you son.  I have complete confidence in you which is why I am happy to leave you to fend for yourself.”  Then I took care of the keys.  Commitments fulfilled I headed for Preston to see my parents.  I did notice that I had failed to keep one of my commitments – I was leaving around 9:10 and not 9:00 am: I am already out of Integrity and it is only 9:10am.  Whilst I noticed this lack of Integrity I did not castigate myself – I was simply mindful that there is plenty of work to do to be in accordance with ‘Playing BIG’.

On the motorway I have a blast of a time even though I got caught up in a traffic jam

Once I headed towards Preston I played the right tape – one that would help me to be in the right state – the state that correlates with ‘Playing BIG’.  I chose to play the game of sticking to the speed limit – sometimes a big ask as i love to drive fast and so am not mindful (enough) of the speed limit. Heading north on the  motorway the music and I co-created the right state – I was singing and ‘dancing’ to the music.  Now that might not seem like a big deal and yet it is.  i does not sing – not even in the car.  And i absolutely does not ‘dance’ in the car – “Heavens, other poeple are looking and they will think I am an idiot! So don’t do anything to attract attention to yourself.”  So it was a huge achievement to simply drop this and sing and ‘dance’ to the music – full out.

i hates, loathes, traffic jams.  i relates to itself as SPECIAL and as such expects EVERYTHING to work. i being SPECIAL does not like to be inconvenienced and detests having to wait in line. i gets FRUSTRATED and ANGRY when traffic jam occurs.  i curses this third world country where the roads are lanes are closed off because of repairs and this creates traffic jam.  i thinks that anyone that is involved in a accident is a MORON – why can’t these people drive properly?  How can some people be so inconsiderate as to take part in an accident and thus inconvenience competent folks like i?

North of Birmingham there was a traffic jam – a big one. i immediately kicked into action – it started castigating me for being stupid enough to take 20 minutes out the service station to ring my parents and do my stretching exercises.  Incidentally, I did stretching exercise in public by giving my being SIGNIFICANT – initially i did not like this as people were looking at i and giving funny looks.  All the time I was doing the exercises i kept complaining and urging I to stop this madness and the associated embarrassment.  Back to the traffic jam.  i was about to complain about the station and I came into being saying “The Self is providing me with an opportunity to practice patience so lets practice patience.  Let’s go further and be fun whilst practising patience.”  That is exactly what I did – I stepped up the level of expression in its singing and dancing.  Furthermore, I opened the windows so that others could hear – to deal with the issue of i being SIGNIFICANT.  i did not like this and closed the window several times.  Each time I came back into being and dealt with the situation. In the end I was driving with the car windows open whilst singing and ‘dancing’.  We (I and i) got some looks especially from the car drivers in the cars coming in the opposite direction. Around 13:20 I arrived at my parents home.

Lack of Integrity: i gets the better of I in two domains

Whilst this may sound splendid and it is.  It is also true that i bested I in at least domain: I failed to keep its promise of sticking to the speed limit.  Now and then i got the better of I and put the foot down and broke the speed limit.  So upon arriving at my parents I noticed at least two areas in which I had failed to honor the commitments associated with ‘Playing BIG”: breaking the speed limit and arriving at 13:20 rather than 13:00 – the time I had promised to my parents.

An extraordinary shopping experience

My niece who is ten years old and rather shy was at my parents.  My parents are old and so she (Zara) was sitting at the table coloring.  After eating lunch, mindful that I had committed to sorting out the out of Integrity dress issues and coming from a stand of ‘good fellowship’ I asked Zara if she would like to go shopping with me.  She said “Yes” and by that time my eldest nephew (Mohammed) came into the house and I asked him if he wanted to come along as well.  He also said “Yes” so I told them both that I would be leaving at 2:45 and so they need to be ready to leave by then.  Zara was ready.  Mohammed was not ready.  I was not ready.  By the time I got ready and left the house with them both it was closer to 3:00.  I noticed this lack of Integrity – failing to play full out to honor my word.

Whilst the three of us left the house only Zara and I walked to Preston town centre.  Mohammed did not want to walk, took the car and told me that he would meet us in the town centre.  Heading to the centre I took Zara’s hand and started to talking with her.  I noticed that I can barely hear her – she is so shy that she speaks so softly and that makes it difficult to hear her.  That works fine by her because that is what she wants – not to be heard, not to be noticed.  So I chose to offer myself as a model of self-expression in order to get her to get that it is OK to express oneself and that one can have fun with it as well.

I am no poet yet I came with rhymes and I sang them out loud. People noticed and the world did not end.  After a little while I asked Zara to join in and at first she was hesitant.  She was laughing at my singing and yet refused to sing.  Later I invited her to sing she agreed and so we sang a rhyme that I created on the spot that Zara could connect to and which she finds funny: “I love my daddy, he is a fatty, yet he is my daddy, I love my daddy!”  What I got that I am no poet laureate I can make up rhymes – and on the spot.  This was something new to me – i had always thought of itself as being useless at this kind of stuff, i does not take to poetry, i finds it a turn-off.

Mohammed joined us at the outskirts of the town centre and then wished he hadn’t.  Why?  Because I was singing out loud – loud enough for people to hear me and look at us.  He did not like that one little bit and kept telling me to stop pleading that it is his town and that he has to live here.  I simply ignored him and continued singing especially as Zara found this amusing and from time to time joined in.

In the centre which is the first shop that I noticed?  The one that tends to stock clothes that I like and which fit me: Moss.  So the three of us headed into the shop and I started looking at the shirts. Why?  Because I got that I am not happy with the quality of some of my shirts. Why?  Because they are an expression of ‘Playing small’.  Steve, on the shop assistants, came over to ask if I needed help. “Yes, please!” is what I said. Steve started showing me some shirts, I was not impressed.  I said “I don’t want anything cheap. I want the best quality shirts – the shirts that feel good against the skin for 10 hours a day and which do not crease easily.”  Steve recommended some shirts.  I asked to try it on to experience the feel.  And that is what I did.  I found that whilst Steve had measured my neck and given me a size 15.5 shirt I found it to be too small.  So I asked Steve to find me a size 16 white shirt.  I tried it on and it felt good against the skin: it proved that the shirt I was wearing was cheap.  So I kept wearing the shirt and asked Steve to get me another 4 shirts.  He was caught by surprise and told me that they were unlikely to have four size 16 white shirts in stock.  I confidently requested that he go and look – “give it your best shot” or something close to that is what I said.

Steve came back with four white shirts.  Excellent.  I told Steve that I wanted to leave the shop with 10 of those shirts. So we set about finding the other five shirts.  We found four but not the fourth.  Steve suggested other brand shirts, I refused.  Why?  Because I had chosen to buy the best quality shirts and this brand was not the best quality brand.  Taking a lesser brand would have polluted the other nine shirts that I had bought.

Being a good salesman Steve asked me if I needed anything else. “Yes, I do,  I am looking for belts”.  Steve showed me various belts and I tried them choosing several. Then I noticed a higher quality belt and tried it on – it fitted perfectly.  So I told Steve that wanted four of those belts.  We left the shop having bought 9 shirts and 4 belts.  But that was not all.  I had sang in the shop and embarrassed Mohammed so much that he locked himself away in one of the dressing rooms.  It was worth it though because Zara was finding this funny and by now at least one step outside of her narrow zone of no self expression. I had also got Steve a little bit and I believe he got my sincere thanks for being so helpful and helping me to achieve my objective.

Then Zara and I found ourselves in the high street (the main street) full of people many of them out shopping and looking for bargains. Mohammed had felt so embarrassed that he quit and left for home – that worked out great as he took my shopping back to his car and back to my parents.  Walking down the high street, holding Zara’s hand I sang and Zara joined me now and then.  I saw HMV and headed there knowing that Zara was bored at my parents and likes to watch movies.  There we bought the DVD’s that caught our attention – both of us left the shop happy.  Then we sang ourselves to Debenhams as I still needed a wallet and was up for finding more Chinos.  Whilst it did not look promising we persisted and found the wallet and two pairs of Chinos – both of these trousers fitted perfectly.  We queued, we paid, we left and headed back to my parents.

The delight of Krispy Kreme doughnuts!

Not wanting to go back the same way we had come – it occurred as being boring and ‘Playing small’ – we chose a different route.  And what did I see?  Advertising for Costa Coffee and in particular Krispy Kreme doughnuts.  i would frown on eating this kind of junk.  Yet, I thought about Zara.  I asked her if she liked Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a big smile came across her face and she said “Yes!”.  So we headed to Costa Coffee and queued yet I was disturbed that I could not see any of the KK doughnuts.  i noticed that the Costa Coffee staff were inefficient – not at all on the ball.  i does not like this at all – everyone should be performing efficiently.  i particularly does not like having to wait as a result of lazy, incompetent unprofessional staff!

I noticed the automatic machinery of i whirring into action and I stopped as just as it got started.  So I queued for several minutes and then out of the corner of my eyes I saw the Krispy Kreme shop. So we headed straight for it and bought the assortment of 12 doughnuts for £9:45.  Zara was delighted: she had refused my offer to carry any of the shopping bags, she did not refuse the invitation to carry the KK doughnuts.  She was beaming and I felt great seeing her happy.  When we got home we gathered my niece (Sophia), Mohammed and my parents around the dining table.  Everyone helped themselves to a selection of the doughnuts French style – taking a quarter of so of each doughnut.  Yes, there is an advantage of being married into the French – they know how to eat right: a little bit of everything so that you can taste the different ‘flavours and tastes’.  At the end of this sharing we had six happy people.  Great – I had made a contribution to my parents which was the major reason for coming up to see my parents.

Honoring the dress code commitments

By now it was the evening and set about the task of replacing the tatty shoe laces with the new ones that I had bought from Clarks.  At first it just did not happen – the shoelaces would not go through the holes.  i was saying “Wrong shoelaces, she gave the wrong shoelaces the idiot. i’ll just have to go back and change them.” Once again I, who is enrolled in the game of ‘Playing BIG’ stepped up the plate and dealt with the situation at hand.  I figured out that the shoelaces should go through the holes.  I found pliers and used these to thread the shoelaces  – job done, commitment kept, Integrity in!  Excellent.  Then I set about polishing my shoes: easy to do and resulted in a big smile on the inside and outside.  Job done – all dress code commitments kept.

Sorting out the car

I think it is accurate to say that about now just about everyone my younger brother, my nieces, my nephew, my parents had noticed that I was no longer i:  they commented that I looked different (dress), that I looked younger.  When my younger brother commented on the change and that he was delighted I shared with him that I had been immersed in the game of ‘Playing small’ and been living in darkness for some 10 years.  He got that, he agreed and he liked the new me – I suspect he experienced me the way that he used to experience me when I made stuff happen.

Having established a bond I asked my brother to clean my Honda Accord – inside and out – so that it is reflection of me – the I ‘Playing BIG’.  He agreed to have my car ready by 10am tomorrow morning.  Then I asked him what was happening with regards to my Mercedes Benz.  He told me that he had figured out the problem.  So I asked him if it had been sorted out, he told me that it had not.  What will it take to get it sorted out?  He told me that it would take a day.  So I asked him if he was up for sorting it out by the end of Thursday.  He agreed.  Excellent – another loose end and lack of Integrity addressed.  By this time my brother and I were getting on great.

Powerful conversations: calling it as I see it and it lands where it lands, I am ok with that

I had not intended to have this conversation with my brother nonetheless I found myself right in the middle of it.  “Your word and a piece of shit are equal – they have the same value!”  Too late to pull back – there it is, these words have been waiting to be born for a long time and now they are born.  They took my brother by surprise – they may have even shocked him.  So I reminded him that I was coming from the context of love and of being a source of powerful conversations that call people to ‘Play BIG’ and give up ‘Playing small’ – people includes me.

Then I reminded by brother that he had agreed – several months (three to five) ago – to give me his Apple iPhone 3GS when he bought the 4S.  That I had offered to buy it off him at market price and that he had declined to take the money.  Instead he simply said that he would give it to me for free.  So how is it that the Apple 3GS belongs to my sister now?  I shared the fact that I had promised my son that phone and that as result of his lack of Integrity I was out of Integrity.  He got that – probably for the first time.  Why?  Because he has the same relationship to his words that most of us have to shit.  Harsh?  Maybe.  True – absolutely from where I stand.

Then I went on to share with him that he had asked to borrow money from me – £3000 here, £2000 there, £1000 here etc – and I had lent him the money but always on the condition that he would pay it back. And most importantly we had agreed a specific date.  Right now, I told him, you owe me over £20,000.  The latest being £2,000 you borrowed back in February and promised to pay it back within the month.  Yet we had agreed on three months because I did not believe he would keep his word.  Then I got him present to the fact that he had not paid me by the due date so I had asked him face to face to look at his finances and let me know when and how he was going to pay me back.  That was over six months ago and he had not come back to me.  I believe that hit home – he got his lack of Integrity, his lack of any relationship to his word. Finally I declared that I love him unconditionally – he is my brother and a player in the unceasing dynamic pattern I call Self.  And I told him that I was a stand for him ‘Playing BIG’ and I requested that he be a stand for ‘Playing BIG’.   Later he left to go home to his family – did he leave on good terms?  Great if he did. Yet it does not matter as wanting to be liked is key component of ‘Playing small’.  Wanting to be liked by my brother and knowing full well that I was immersed in ‘Playing small’ I had never my brother on his lack of Integrity and his ‘Playing small’.  If I had done so then he would have accused me of the same  – and he would have been bang on.  i ‘Play small’, you ‘Pay small’ and we collude in keeping each other ‘Playing small’ whilst pretending that we are ‘Playing BIG’ – that is what is so, it automatically comes into play due to the world that we are embedded in.

Onwards.  I am clear i was ‘Playing small’ for 10 years and as such I had wasted 10 years and had an enormously negative impact on myself and those close to me.  Now my younger brother was clear.  How about my nephew (Mohammed) who is convinced he is big man – someone special? Convinced that Mohammed is ‘Playing small’ full out (he is master at this) I made the choice to have a powerful conversation with him in the context of love and being a stand for Mohammed ‘Playing BIG’.

Heck this 20 year old man came up with the idea for an anti-smoking advert.  The idea was so good that his idea got chosen and then he worked with a professional director and production team to shoot the advert – to bring it to life. That  advert has been played in British cinemas and he had been invited to come up with another advert.  This young man has shaken hands with the rich and famous due to his work; he has met the Hollyoaks cast – many men would die for that opportunity.  Yet here he is pissing his life away living in the land of delusion: in this land it is everyone else’s fault, he is cool, he is special, he is someone BIG.  Towards the end of the conversation Mohammed got present to one overriding emotion: shame. On a scale of 1 – 10 he chose 8 – he is that ashamed of himself.  So I asked Mohammed what his life would look like for him to score 10 – to be that ashamed of himself.  He give me four conditions and I got him present to the fact that three of those are already there – he is living them in reality but deluding himself that he is not.  He got that.  Invited to rescore he said when it comes to being ashamed of himself it is 10 out of 10.  Never leave a person on a low – that is not good fellowship.  So I took the time to get Mohammed present to how I relate to him: a young man with extraordinary potential and a young man I love and for whom I am stand for ‘Playing BIG’.  I invited him to be a stand for me – to call me on ‘Playing small’ if he ever thinks/feels that I am ‘Playing small’.

Reflections on the day

This was on ordinary day – just like any other day. If i had been in charge it would have been another ordinary day in the sea of ordinary days.  As it is I was present and fully immersed in ‘Playing BIG’ and as such this day has occurred an an extraordinary day!  Yesterday I had just over three hours of sleep.  I have been going full out now for 20 hours and I am not tired.  How amazing is that!  Tiredness shows up in my life when I ‘Play small’.  Why?  Because ‘Playing small’ does not inspire me, energize me – the opposite it kills me on the inside even if I do a good job of donning the mask of ‘Everything is great with me and my life’.

On the other side there is some way to get my Integrity back in.  First, I left for Preston around 9:10 not 9:00.  Second, I failed to keep to the speed limit.  Third, I told my parents that I would arrive at their home at 13:00, I arrived at 13:20.  Yes, there is some way to go.  I get that and I am not making a story about.

A request: you can do to help me ‘Play BIG’

Talking about ‘Playing BIG’ I am committing myself (actually have already done it with my nephew Mohammed) to designing and educational course around ‘Playing BIG’, advertising locally and offering that course to people like my Nephew – teenagers who are struggling in life, who are ‘Playing small’ and are not present to ‘Playing small’.  By when?  By end of June 2012.  Why I am I letting  you know?  So that I do not backslide, so that you call me on any backsliding, to create an existence structure that calls me to bring this commitment, this Possibility, into being.

I thank you for reading.  I hope that this long blog gets you present to where you are ‘Playing small’ and I hope that you find a seed here to get you started on ‘Playing BIG’.

Playing BIG (practice 2) – lose the significance and play


Taking yourself so goddamn seriously is a key piece in the game called ‘Playing small’.

Our automatic (always on) way of being is taking oneself SERIOUSLY because we are thrown into the game called ‘playing small and fitting in’.  Mastery of this game is not beyond me in anyway.  I could say that I became a grandmaster by the age of 10.  The cost of taking oneself so damn seriously is the loss of self-expression: the unwillingness to say and do anything that makes you and I look stupid in the eyes of others.  One side effect of taking oneself so seriously is the quickness to anger when someone does something to ‘diminish’ our sense of ourselves.   Sound abstract?  Let me make it concrete by sharing an example of my life.

I love driving, I particularly love driving fast and without cars getting in my way and slowing me down.  I think of myself as a considerate driver – checking who is behind me, checking that there is enough space for me to overtake into, indicating before overtaking…. you get the idea.  So what happens when someone overtakes me and doesn’t follow my rules?  Usually it is some form of “You moron!” accompanied by either disgust and/or anger.  Why is that moron overtaking me?  How dare he move from his lane into my lane without indicating and into a space that is not ‘long enough’ and so force me to brake to avoid hitting the “idiot”.  As you can imagine people do what they do and so in the course of a normal journey on a motorway I end up disturbing my own piece several times.  Nonetheless I get to be right and righteous – how great I am and how inconsiderate and idiotic some drivers are!

Since I took on the game of ‘Playing BIG’ I have taken on the practice of NOT taking myself so goddamn seriously.  Here are the results I have seen over the last two days:

I have been singing. Yes, I have been singing and in public!  Why is that a big thing?  Because when I took myself so damn seriously I rarely sang and when I did so it was only because my family ‘pressured’ me into singing.  For the last two days I have been singing at my sisters and outside on the high street (whilst shopping).

On the way  to my sisters (90 minute drive) two/three cars just moved from their lane into mine without notice.  We did not have a collision because I was paying attention and so braked.  What did I say?  “You’re welcome!”.  How was I feeling?  Completely calm – in fact once I even laughed when I got present to what I was doing.

Today, coming back from my sisters (after a great Christmas) there was enough traffic to slow down progress on a dual carriageway.  The inside lane was full and I was on the outside lane travelling at around 60mph – the legal limit.  I couldn’t go any faster because there were four or so cars ahead of me and tightly bunched: too close for the speed we were travelling at.  I looked into the mirror and say a car right up my backside.  He sat there for several minutes and then started flashing me suggesting that he wanted to overtake and I should move into the inside lane.  Normally, I would have said something offensive like “cretin!” and made sure that I stayed in the lane and in fact reduced my speed to slow him down even more – to annoy him.

This time I got that all he wanted was to overtake and by flashing his lights and sitting right on my backside he was showing that he was impatient to get somewhere fast.  So I looked for an opening on the inside (slower) lane, indicated and moved into it.  All the time I was smiling knowing that he would overtake me and then find himself in the same position I was in – blocked by a row of cars travelling at 60 mph.   Once he overtook me, I moved back into his lane and sat behind him.  Now I had a choice: to do what he had been doing to me (sitting on my back and making me nervous), simply to be in that lane and leave lots of space between me and him, and/or leave lots of space and have some fun with him without making him nervous or endangering him.  I choose the latter – I simply wanted to play without putting anyone’s life at risk.

For the rest of the journey 30 minute or so he would speed ahead and then pull into the inside lane.  I would overtake him and then pull in ahead of him.  He then would overtake me, I would overtake him.  Never once did I get angry or competitive – I was simply playing a game, coming from the context of fun.  The 30 minutes flew by and by the time I had to take the slip road and exit from the motorway I was grateful that I had the Mini driver to play that game with.  I thanked him.  And I can honestly say I felt sad that the game we had playing came to and end.

Lesson: we can choose to be light and dance/play in life rather than be SIGNIFICANT and take ourselves so SERIOUSLY.   If I choose to be significant and be damn serious then I am automatically embedded in and playing the game of ‘Playing small’.  So being mindful I can choose again and again to ‘Play BIG’ and that means shedding significance and seriousness (they go together) again and again in all domains of life.

Playing BIG (practice 1) – let people BE, let the world BE


I have been immersed in reflection (as well as doing) on what it takes to play BIG.  It strikes me that a core component of playing BIG is simply letting people be – just as they are and just as they are not.  Simply letting people be – particularly those people who matter to us – is a BIG ask.  Most of the time I am immersed in “shoulding”:  he/she/they should be this way and not that way;  the situation should be this way and not that way;  society should be this way and not that way; education system should be this way and not that way; business should be this way and not that way; the world should be this way and not that way.

So I am playing BIG starting with operating from a context that EVERYTHING is fine just as it is and as it is not.  That includes you, me, us and them.  My intention is to let people be; to flow as water flows.  Those of you who are interacting with me on a daily basis can give me feedback on how I am getting along.  Those of you who are further way, I will let you know how I am getting along.  Yesterday I operated out of that context and I floated through the day shopping, reading, listening to music, dancing, watching a movie, playing table-tennis, running errand…. When Rohan went to sleep he said “Papa I love you.  I had a great day, its been the best day so far.”

“Son, I love you.  I had a great day and yes it did occur as the best day so far.  I loved playing pool with you.  I loved watching a movie with you.  I loved playing table tennis with you and Nathan.  I loved listening to music and dancing full out.  I loved being light and letting you be – just the way that you are and the way that you are not.  I loved letting stuff (circumstance, events) be just as it was and just as it was not.  Son, you are beautiful all it takes is for me to be open to seeing your beauty.  I love you and I am proud of you.  You are awesome just as you are and as you are not. ”