“The ultimate situations – death, chance, guilt and the uncertainty of the world – confront me with the reality of failure. What do I do in the face of absolute failure, which if I am honest I cannot fail to recognize? …Crucial for man is his attitude toward failure………………The way in which man approaches failure determines what he will become.”
When I look at my life it occurs to me that I have failed in so many ways
I have failed to be the kind of husband I imagined and was up for being. And I imagine that my wife sees me as a failure as a husband.
I have failed to be the kind of father I imagined and was up for being. And the kind of results I expected to show up failed to show up. I suspect that one or more of children see me as a flawed father.
I have failed to be the kind of son I imagined and was up for being. And my father often tells me how much of a disappointment I am and how I failed him.
I have failed to be the kind of brother I imagined and was up for being. My relationship with one of my brothers is particularly difficult.
I have failed to be the kind of uncle I imagined and was up for being. I came out strong out of the starting gate and then my own children arrived.
I have failed to be the kind of friend I imagined and was up for being.
I have failed to be a ‘good employee’ – you could say I am blessed/cursed with an independence of mind and the rebelliousness to go with it.
I have failed to the kind of neighbour I imagined and was up for being though I have good enough relationships with my neighbours.
I have failed to arrive at the kind of career / financial success I envisaged when I was young and at university.
I have failed in making something great out of Humanity In Action even though it got off to a great start.
I have failed to have the kind of impact I wanted and imagined that I would have on people’s lives (for the better) and the world. My sister once told me something like “I used to so look up to you. Nowadays, I am just disappointed in you.” And she had every right to be. I was at least that disappointed in myself!
I have failed to master myself – the automatic machinery that just shows up and spoils the show. This failure is the one that stings the most if I let it sting.
I have failed does that mean I am a failure?
Given that I have failed in so many ways I am free – not trapped by the allure of ‘perfection’, ‘success’, ‘reputation’, ‘looking good and avoiding looking bad’. I am free to simply be, to live, to be grateful for the privilege of living as I live: in a safe country; in an affluent/safe neighbourhood; in a nice house; as a member of a family; with the privilege of sight which allows me to be present to beauty, to navigate, to read; with the privilege of sound such that I get to enjoy music; with the privilege of movement so I can move, dance, cycle, play sports; with the privilege of touch so that I can give and receive hugs; with the privilege of language so that I can speak myself and connect with my fellow human beings in/through conversation.
I am that which I am. Anything else is simply a label that I put on myself or someone else – mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, friend – puts on me. What I am really interested in is this question: how can I live such that I ‘play BIG’: live an ‘extraordinary’ life: be of service to my fellow human beings; to put something into, to contribute to the game of life; and co-create a ‘world that works’, none excluded. The question is how well am I living that mission? The answer is that I can play this game much more powerfully then I am playing right now!
You and I can live in the past or be fully embedded in the present (surviving, fixing, looking good and avoiding looking bad) or we can invent, project and live into possibilities (like the possibility of ‘playing BIG’) that provide meaning for our lives, that move-touch-inspire us to live resolutely and play full-out in this game called Life.
Do you want your life to work? Really, truly, deeply do you want your life to work? Do you really want your life to work or do you want to be right, dominate, have the world work to your wishes, your whims, your point of view? If you are honest then you’d be present to the latter – your focus on being right, validating yourself, dominating others, insisting that the world work according to your fantasies. How has that been working out? Has it brought you peace, freedom to be, self-expression, vitality, connection, love, joy? Are you up for, really up for, having peace, vitality, connection, love, joy present in your life? If so then this post is for you.
People matter – are central to the quality of our life, right?
Have you noticed that you are not alone? Have you noticed that the Earth (amongst other processes) ‘peoples’ and so wherever you are you there are people? People show up wherever you are, right? At home, at work, whilst your are walking, driving, shopping, eating, sleeping watching television…… Is it accurate that you cannot escape from people even when you are on a deserted island? Even on a deserted island, do people show up in your thoughts, do they show up in your feelings? People matter, our relationships with people matter, connection or the absence of it matters, friction-full or friction-free relationships matter to your living, our experience of life. Right?
What is the greatest gift you can grant another?
How do you build great relationships with people? What is the secret? The secret is to grant them a gift, the greatest gift that you can grant another. What is this gift?
1. Let people be. Let every person that shows up in your world be just as he is and just as he is not. What is the access to letting people be? Accept them (looks, clothes, voice, speaking, behaviour, history..) just as they are and just as they are not. Choose to be totally OK with them just as they are and just as they are not. If you let people be just as they are and just as they are not what is likely to show up in your world? Peace? Freedom? Ease?
Are you up for going further – putting more into life, making a bigger contribution and indirectly being granted much more than peace, freedom and ease? Then take on / live / be the following practices:
2. Be a stand for the wonder and greatness of people – believe in them more than they believe in themselves. How can I best point out / show what I am talking about? Read and get present to the following words by Viktor Frankl who has a profound lived understanding /experience of our fellow human beings in all of their manifestations:
“If we take man as he really is then we make him worse. If we overestimate him……overrate man, then we promote him to what he really can be. So we have to be optimists idealists in way so we wind up as the true realists”
If you are willing to make four minutes available to yourself, to treat yourself, then watch this video: http://youtu.be/fD1512_XJEw
3. Belive in and be enthusiastic about the ‘life projects’ that matter to people. Your fellow human being, the one that you are thinking about right now, is not simply defined by who he is, where he came from or what he does. He is much more. A huge part of him is the future he is living into and the ‘life projects’ that inspires him. Yes, I get that he is a teacher, a family man, in his late forties. Do you get that one of his most crucial ‘life projects’ is to be a musician – to pursue a dream he gave up early in life and which really matters to him? ‘Life projects’ are simply possibilities that we imagine, create and project in the future. They are hugely important because they give shape to our being today and influence/shape our choices including how we spend our attention/energy/time. So leave aside your critical mind, your fears, your insecurities and step into the possibilites that you fellow human being (wife, husband, son, daughter, brother, sister, friend, neighbour, colleague, manager…) has created and which give him and his life meaning. Step into that possibility and be enthusiastic. If you are in position to do so then go further – lend a helping hand, help to open doors, to provide resources (including your encouragement), carry some of the load.
4. Be there for the people that show up in your life. Be there during the good times to celebrate – celebrate with them, acknowledge, congratulate, laugh, lift them high ‘onto your shoulders’. Be there for them during the difficult times when stuff does not turn out as they would like it to. Provide: an empathic ear; a solid-warm-friendly shoulder for them to rest their head; create a ladder/scaffold and help them climb up when you judge that the time is right; lead the way up the scaffold, give them your hand and help them to climb up. Do this freely and wholeheartedly and you and your relationship will never be the same again. One of my most enduring relationships was built by literally helping a ‘friend’ climb a mountain – giving up the lead, letting others take the lead, providing encouragement to this friend in words, being a little ahead of him when I needed to be and offering him my hand when he found it difficult to climb up the mountain. We may not speak for many months and the love is there – neither of us have forgotten that day, that experience.
What is the greatest gift you can give yourself?
OK, by now you should be clear that the greatest gift that you can grant the people in your life is made up the following: letting them be just as they are and just as they are not; believing in them more than they believe in themselves; being enthusiastic about and contributing to their life projects; and being there for them.
Now I have as surprise for you. The greatest gift you can give yourself is to grant this ‘greatest gift’ to the people that show up in your life! You might be wondering “What?” Think about it. When you grant this gift to the people that show up in your life and living you get the following treats:
Peace / Ease / Freedom – you no longer struggle with people because you have giving up ‘resisting’ them as they are and as they are not and that shows up as a heavy burden lifted off your shoulder!
Relatedness / Connection / Enthusiasm / Love / ‘Sense of Adventure‘- by choosing to let people be and enter into their lives through encouraging/supporting/contributing to their ‘life projects’ as well as being there for them through the good times and the difficult times you create the space for relatedness, connection, love, enthusiasm and a sense of adventure to show up in your experience of living. Whenever we take part in ‘life projects’ we take part in ‘giving birth’ to something new and this shows up as a sense of adventure – we feel more alive!
My guarantee to you and my challenge for you
I guarantee you that the moment that you grant this ‘greatest gift’ your experience of living will be transformed – the quality of your life will be transformed. To keep this transformed live you have to consciously keep granting this ‘greatest gift’ again and again – every day, every moment. Are you up for transforming the quality of your life? Are you up for taking me up on my guarantee?
Occasionally I read or hear something that introduces a glitch in the ‘matrix of my mind’, lifts me out of my default state of ‘fallenness’ and provides an opening into a ‘new world’, new way of being. Before I share that with you let’s get present to what is so in the ordinary way of living in which almost all of us are embedded almost all of the time.
Ordinary living: love as finding someone special and ‘being in love’
What is ordinary way of think about love? If you are like me it is likely to be something like:
Love as a feeling – as in ‘I love you’ which more accurately said is “I feel love for you”;
Love as quest for that special someone – as in ‘I need to find someone to love me for me to feel OK, to feel complete’; and
Love as in falling in love – it is not enough for us that someone loves us, we strive to find that someone we love and who loves us!
What shows up when we approach love standing in this clearing: one of wanting, need and feeling? If you are like me and I say that you are, more accurately most of you are, then it does not work out that great, does it? It is not that easy to find that someone special. And even when you do, how long does that feeling of ‘being in love’ last? How do we react when that feeling is no longer there? Does frustration, disappointment, anger, bitterness, self-criticism ofr choosing the wrong person (again!), restlessness, feeling cheated, feeling deprived – do these seem familiar to you?
In life and living there is risk and there is pain – that is simply what is so. What is not within life itself is suffering. Suffering – this is what we introduce into our lives because we have a faulty view of life, of reality. And I cannot think of a domain of life where are as mistaken as we are in the domain of life called ‘love and loving’. Consequently, we suffer greatly.
Extraordinary living: Clea Iqbal speaks a forgotten ‘truth’
Here are the words that introduce a glitch in the ‘matrix of my mind’, lift me out of my default state of ‘fallenness’ and provide an opening into a ‘new world’, new way of being.
“Love is something everyone wants,
many do not realise they are loved,
someone cares for them lovingly,
and watches out for them. ________________________________________
Many people go out looking for love to be happy,
and they don’t realise,
to be happy,
you don’t need to love someone,
nor have someone love you.
_________________________________________
You need only to love life itself!”
Do you get the wisdom, the beauty, the power, the freedom, that Clea has made available to each of us? Being alive – see, hear, feel, touch, play, create, taste – is a privilege! That is what Clea is pointing out. What would show up in your living if you lived your life from this vantage point, from this stand?
Leadership is about disclosing new worlds, new possibilities and modeling that behaviour. What impact would you have on those close to you, those you work with, those come across, the world at large? Would it not show up as a transformation in the quality of your living and of our world? Are you prepared to be that big and ‘play BIG’? Are your prepared to be a leader?
About Clea Iqbal
Clea is daughter to me as I am father to her. From time to time she comes out with profound insights that blow my mind and my heart. So I invited her to share her voice and her insights with all of us both as self-expression and as contribution. She took me up on this invitation and we set up a blog for her: Clea’s Blog
A final thought: perhaps one of the practices that we can incorporate into our living and of loving life is allowing/encouraging/enabling our fellow human beings to speak authentically and put that speaking into the world.
‘Ordinary’ living: judging, embracing, rejecting what shows up
Have you noticed that the default setting of your life is such that you struggle ‘being with’ that which shows up in your life, your living? Have you noticed that stuff shows up in your life and automatically your machinery gets busy classifying into any number of buckets: ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘right’, ‘wrong’, ‘great’, ‘awful’, ‘ok’, ‘not ok’? Have you noticed that once your machinery (which is always on 24x7x365) has slotted stuff that shows up into one of these buckets then it generates an automatic response? I am talking about the feelings that arise, the thoughts that arise, what you say to yourself or to others.
What do you do with the stuff that shows up in your life and which is not OK with your machinery? If you are like me and most of your fellow human beings then your natural, automatic, response is to resist. Yes, the ordinary being of human being, is to resist that which does not fit in with our needs, our expectations, our desires, our view of the world, of ourselves. How does that tend to turn out? Does your resistance to what shows up work? Does it leave you with insight, with a greater freedom to be, with peace, with joy? It does none of those for me. The more I resist the more trapped I become, the less present I am to life, the less present I am to the beauty in life and all the stuff that I can be grateful for: the ability to see the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the face of my children, my wife, you; the ability to hear – my favourite music that makes me feel and usually gets me dancing with a huge smile on my face; the ability to touch / hold my wife, daughter and sons……
How can I help you to visualise this? Think about gusts and tornados. Many years back (I think it was 1987) really powerful gusts hit the UK and felled many trees all over the UK. The interesting fact is that the trees that fell were the older, bigger, stronger trees. When these fierce gusts hit these ‘proud and strong’ trees stood their ground. They resisted and many of them fell. On the other and the younger trees, those that were supple, simply bent with the gusts, let them pass and then straightened up and went back to the way they were before the gust arrived. Most of us are like those older trees whereas toddlers/young children are like the younger trees.
‘Extraordinary’ living: be with what shows up
When you stand in the clearing called ‘extraordinary’ living then you purposefully take a particular stance with that which shows up in your life. You accept that which shows up in your life and you be with whatever shows up just as it is and just as it is not. One way of pointing at and showing up the attitude associated with this stand is “Wow, how interesting? Who am I being in the world that this shows up in my life? What is the lesson that this is bringing with it? What test am I being put through? What questions am I being asked?”
Let me give you an example to further illustrate this. On Saturday, waves of sadness and melancholy hit me out of the blue. I found tears running down my cheeks. If I had been immersed in ordinary living then I would have made this wrong. I would have called myself weak and told myself to stop being a baby and be a man. Furthermore, I would have told myself to get a grip because “you have no reason to cry, life is great, you have so much to be thankful for!”
As it happened I was present and so was able to step into ‘playing BIG’ and coming from that space I accepted that what was so was so. Instead of judging it, categorising, resisting it, I chose simply to be with it. Actually, I went further, I dived into it – kind of became one with it. I felt the feelings deeply, I connected with the parts of my body that were generating those tears, I noticed the rythm….. What was remarkable about this experience? The sadness/melancholy was present, the tears were present, the deep sobbing was present and yet I was totally peaceful, totally relaxed!
By the end of day the waves of sadness/melancholy departed as quickly as they arrived and as far as I can tell for no reason. What was I left with? I was left with the insight that the ’cause’ of those waves of sadness/melancholy was me reading a particular chapter of The Brothers Karamazov. What I got present to was that the waves of sadness/melancholy were the speaking of a certain part of me – the spiritual side. Why the sadness? Because until recently, and for a long time, I had locked up that side of me. The spiritual side of me had been in prison, bound hand and foot, gagged, kept in the dark, unfed. And through those waves of sadness/melancholy it was simply letting go of the pain. What I got present to was that those waves of sadness/melancholy were and are a gift. A gift that shows me that ‘being a decent human being’ matters to me. A gift that shows up that a natural and powerful part of my self-expression is to speak my truth, to be of service to my fellow human beings, to contribute, to put something into the game of life, to work to co-create a ‘world that works’, none excluded.
I leave you with this question: what would have been my experience (and where would I be now) if I had resisted those waves of sadness/melancholy? Now I ask you a question: are you willing to ‘play BIG’, to accept/be with what shows up in your life and ‘learn’ that which there is to learn, to face the question that life is posing, to undergo the test that life is putting you through? Or you are going to go with ordinary living and resistance?
Remember:
a) ‘playing BIG’ is a gift that you grant yourself and only you can grant that gift to yourself.
b) Leadership ALWAYS starts with yourself – if you can be with that which shows up and learn from it then you can model that stance for the people you are leading.
I say that the most philosophically profound and politically revolutionary movie that I have ever watched is The Matrix series. Yes, you can take it as a sci-fi yarn or you can get present to the hidden, profound and revolutionary, messages. Today, I simply wish to share some with you. Before you read further, I warn you that these deeply uncomfortable ‘truth’s for the mass of humanity that is in a state of “fallenness” – fallenness of “victim”, of “conformity”, of “idle chatter”, of “mass culture” – and so you may want to do what you do by default, not look at anything that disturbs your sleep. The choice is yours – it has always been thus.
Choice
Neo: “Choice. The problem is choice.”
Yes, you have been thrown into this world – you did not get a say in the matter. Yes, stuff happens that happens and you did not get a say in that matter – call that ‘fate’. And you have ‘free will’. How? You are present to possibilities and you can project possibilities – you can envisage ‘that which is not and could be’ as well as being present to ‘that which is’. Being present to possibilities, as yet unborn, and ready to be born you are confronted with choice. Choosing not to choose – accepting the default (what is and is not) – is a choice. You make it, every instant, even if you are not aware of making that choice. There is no escaping choice. Choice – being confronted with choice – is the sign that you are ‘free’. With choice comes the ‘problem of choice’.
Death
Morpheus: “Then tomorrow we may all be dead, but how would that be different from any other day? This is a war, and we are soldiers. Death can come for us at any time, in any place.”
You are not going to live forever. Death is not a tragedy, it is the gift that allows us to get present to the privilege of being alive and presses us to live fully, to give fruit to our gifts, our dreams, you self-expression. And even if death shows up in your world as a ‘tragedy’ as a ‘horror’ then get present to the fact that you will never escape death. NEVER. Death is sitting on your shoulder ready to tap you anytime. That is what is so.
The real tragedy of your life is that you are tiptoeing ever so delicately through life (in order to avoid death) only to find that you arrive safely at death! And when you arrive there (at deaths door) you are confronted with the question: “Why did I not live fully? Why did I not create inspiring possibilities and seize them fiercely? And your are left with the awareness and feeling that “You could have chosen otherwise. You could have lived more courageously. You could have put your natural self-expression into the world. You could have chased your dreams.” At death, your are once again confronted with choice – you had say in the matter of your life, always.
The Past
Morpheus: “What happened, happened and could not have happened any other way.”
Do you get it? Do you get that your past is past, whatever happened, happened and could not have happened any other way? By all means ‘learn’ from the past. But there really is no value in getting stuck in the past, of beating yourself up, or beating others up. Get present to the profound, liberating, truth of Morpheus’ words. If you take this vantage point on your past then all the chains that keep you stuck in the past break apart instantly and you are totally free from the past, present to the present and in the clearing to create/project possibilities (that move-touch-inspire you) into the future.
Which is the more powerful way to live? Spend your day living in the past most likely complaining about how things turned out and/or beating yourself up? Or is it more powerful to let the past be in the past and so be present and live fully in the present with a total commitment to inventing and living possibilities that make it a joy to be alive? Once again you are confronted with choice. And in making that choice remember that Death is sitting on your shoulder ready to tap you anytime: you don’t get a second go, a second life!
Knowing v Acting (Doing)
Morpheus: There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.
Look, get real! Knowing, knowledge really does not make a difference – not a tiny jot of difference. You can know all there is to know and if you do not act on that knowledge then what difference does it make in the real world? What is the value of knowing if you do not act on that knowledge so as to transform the quality of your life, your living? Get real, in the real world it is action (doing), ONLY ACTION, that impacts/influences/transforms the quality of your life and the world that is ready at hand. Let me put this differently, if you do not walk the path then of what value is ‘knowing the path’?
I know that you are hoping for miracles even if you are not aware that you are hoping for miracles. Buying more dieting books / attending more dieting courses are not going to make you slimmer or fitter. Being mindful, eating the right foods in the right quantity at the right times and exercising – action – that is what it will take for you to turn out slimmer and fitter. Hoping for better relationship with your spouse? How long have you been doing that? How has that turned out? What good has knowing done without the doing? Look your relationship with your spouse will only be different when you be/act differently, consistently!
Please get that we are living in an age addicted to the most useless artifact there is: information and knowledge. In the real world information/knowledge/knowing makes no difference. What makes the difference? How you are being and what you are doing (and not doing) every day of your life. You can continue to be the fool chasing information and knowing or you can be the ‘warrior’ that acts decisively to create/project/bring about possibilities that move-touch-inspire you – possibilities that manifest themselves as joy right now in your living. Once again you are confronted with choice – what choice will you make?
Enough for today. I will continue with this theme in a later post. Before I go, I want to leave you with a final quote, a final message, a final provocation to stir you out of your slumber of ‘fallenness’:
Morpheus: “I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.“
This month we celebrated my birthday and as usual the question was “What do you want for your birthday?”. As usual my answer was “I am blessed, I don’t need anything. Really, I don’t need anything. What I’d like is heartfelt, handmade card from you to me.” And that is what I got. The one that really captured my heart is this one:
When I read this card for the first time I was deeply touched and moved to tears. Every time I read this card I am deeply touched – the tears just flow down my cheeks. Great, this card makes me feel good. The deeper, more interesting, question, for me, is this one: “Is it true? Is this an accurate description of me?”
Who am i?
I am clear that “i” does not live up to the picture that my son paints. What do I mean by “i”? What / who am I pointing at/towards? When I use the term “i” I am pointing at the automatic machinery of human beings. The machinery that is always there, always running, and which runs me. What are the characteristics of this machinery, this “i”? In my case I associate the following with my “i”: selfish, critical, safety seeking, negative, impatient, intolerant, aggressive, unhelpful, manipulative, looking for approval, seeking admiration, lying, pretense, cowardly, focussed on me, me, me and my survival. Not a flattering picture is it? Yet, if I am to accept the picture painted by my son it occurs to me that I must also be present to and mindful of this aspect of me.
Who am I?
I am clear that who I am is not “i”. That is to say that I am clear that I am not my automatic machinery – the “i”. I am clear that I am the conscious, self-determining being, who declares that I am the author of my life. I am the person who totally gets “At all times, under all circumstances, I have the power to transform my life”. I am clear that I am the person who has invented and entered myself into ‘playing BIG’ of living an ‘extraordinary’ life, of being of service, of being a source of contribution, of co-creating a ‘world that works’ none excluded.
What does that mean for me, my living, my life?
To show up as the kind of person that my son writes about, is proud of, and loves it takes something. First, I have to be constantly mindful that the default condition of human existence is “i” and the game that goes with that ‘playing small’. Second, I have to create myself as the “I” that is committed to be ‘playing BIG‘; living an ‘extraordinary’ life; being of service / contribution to my fellow human beings; putting something into life; being a stand for a ‘world that works’ none excluded.Third, I have to keep “I” and the game that I is playing in existence. And a fundamental part of keep “I” and the game I is playing in existence is telling the truth.
So here is my truth for you my son. If I was as great as you say I am then your card would not mean anything to me. My truth is that often and frequently I am not being the person that you describe and that you are proud of. Yet, I am clear that my stand is to be the kind of person that you describe, that you are proud of, that you love. And living from that context I am deeply touched by your card and the the small contribution I have made to your life. Your act of kindness towards the beggar moves-touches me deeply and inspires me to be my Stand and play full out to be a source of contribution to you, our fellow human beings and Life itself. And within that context, falling short of the mark encourages me redouble my Being and my effort. I love you.
Possibility (or the lack of it) is what gives us being in the present
Possibility (the future we are living into) is what gives us Being (how we are being right now, what we are doing or not) in the present. What do I mean? Let’s take a look at Spring.
Spring has arrived in Berkshire and I notice that the people all around me – my family, my neighbours, the folks in the village – are smiling, their faces have lit up, they have a spring in their footstep. Why this dramatic change? What is is about Spring that has brought this on? Isn’t it the Possibility that we associate with Spring? The possibility of: being outdoors in a T-shirt’; of the sun kissing your face; of flowers blooming…..? Notice, how the Possibility associated with Spring is radically different to the Possibility associated with Winter.
What is possible?
I am not asking you a theortical question. I am asking you a personal question: what do you think is possible for you, for us, for life on this planet? Go deeper and ask yourself: “what is my relationship to Possibility?” Are you one of those who has an optimistic outlook on life (open to Possibility) or are you a pessimist (‘dead to Possibility’)? Now I ask you which game, if entered into fully, is more fun to play – ‘open to Possibility’ or ‘dead to Possibility’?
Do you want to reorient your relationship to Possibility? Then watch the following video (1 minute long) and see for yourself what was once considered impossible and today is simply taken for granted:
The music of Possibility: a moving, touching, inspiring example of Possibility
What is the Possibility for a baby born to ‘ordinary’ parents? Now, lets go further. What is the Possibility if you are that baby and I tell you that you are born without eyes? That narrows done that zone of Possibility somewhat, right? Lets, go further because the ‘bad news’ doesn’t stop there. What if I tell you that you are born such that you have a tightening of your limbs and joints that prevents them from every straightening? What Possibility is present for you? What is the future you are living into? Not much! Isn’t that what pretty much all of us would say without having to think. That is my point when it comes to Possibility most of us are wrong most of the time and yet we do not see it.
Allow me to share with you the Possibility that Patrick Henry Hughes and his father co-created, lived from and having been living into, and the results that have showed up for them, for their community and for us. Please watch this 5 minute video – I am confident that this will open up your world (your mind as to what is possible) and touch your heart:
My question for you?
What would show up in your life if you lived from Possibility rather than Impossibility? What would show up in your life if like Patrick Henry Hughes you did not accept the labels others put on you (and you have been putting on yourself)? What would show up if you moved from “disabilities”to “abilities”? What would show up if you gave up playing “victim” and became totally responsible for you life and played “god the creator”?
I invite you to get present to your living right now? Is joy present? Is self-expression present? Is vitality present? Is relatedness, connection, belonging present? Are they all present? If not then are you willing to be 100% responsible for what is so and is not so in your life? OK. Are you present to the cost of not living a life from the context of Possibility? Great then you are in the right place to to let go of your prejudices, your doubts, you fears to step into the clearing of Possibility and invent possibilities that move-touch-inspire you?
Remember
It is the future that you are living into that is giving you your being in the present (right now)! You can change your being by inventing a future that moves-touches-inspires you. All leadership starts with your self and the Possibilities that you envisage, commit to and play full out to bring them to fruition. The paradox is that it is the path that matters more than the outcome! Being on the path, wholeheartedly, is transformation. Enough for today.
Before I share with you a powerful access to ‘extraordinary’ living I want to share with you what is so about ordinary living: the point of view that keeps is embedded in ordinary living and the price we pay.
Ordinary living: I am flawed, you are flawed
Dig into your experience, dive deep, and you will find that the culture tells you that you should be whole, complete, perfect. Yes, you should! Yet, the message that you (and I) have been getting from our parents, our school teachers, our colleagues, our media, our places of work, even our religions is that we are not whole, we are incomplete and we are imperfect. Christianity is the dominant religion in the Western world and what does it say? You are born a sinner and you have to seek redemption! That is exactly what most of us buy into and do yet we fail to find that redemption because we are no a fool’s errand, we have a mistaken view of us, of life (more later in the post).
When you look at yourself, relate to yourself, experience yourself, you (and I) see ourself as something like this:
What is the price that I pay, you pay, he pays, she pays? What is to like to know/feel/experience being not whole, not complete, imperfect when the culture around you spins the myth of perfection? I know what that is like. You know what that is like! He knows what it is like and she know what it is like. We keep that shame of imperfection hidden. We strive and strive and strive to be complete, to be perfect, to be whole. Yet, the way that we go about is guaranteed to keep us rooted to being incomplete, broken, faulty, worthless, inferior, imperfect. If you sense of wholeness / perfection is tied to your partner then what happens when your partner becomes unhappy with you, starts an affair, or leaves you? If your sense of wholeness / perfection is tied to your job then what happens when you lose your job? If it is tied to your wealth then what happens when you lose your wealth or are in danger of losing it?
The price that we pay is the cost of wearing a mask. We can never put ourselves in the world as we are – we give up self-expression. We can never build genuine human bonds – the cost is genuine relatedness with our fellow human beings. We can never relax into the world – the cost is shows up as alcoholism, drug taking, stress, disease and an early death. Right?
Access to ‘extraordinary’ living: “I am whole, complete, perfect – just as I am and I am not. You are whole, complete, perfect – just as you are and just as you are not”
Look into Buddhism and you get a central insight into the human condition: we cause our suffering by living from/into an incorrect/false view of ourselves and the world. The false view is that I, you, he, she, they, we are broken, incomplete, imperfect!
The correct, the right, view is that I am whole, complete and perfect, just as I am and just as I am not. There is nothing to add and nothing to take away! And that applies to everyone of us. Sound philosophical to you? It is. Let me make it more concrete to you – take a look at the diagram below:
Do you see it? Do you see / get the beauty of what is so? Look at the diagram again. If you look at each shape in isolation you can easily say that it is incomplete, imperfect, something missing – none of the shape are a square or a circle! Now look at the picture as a whole – how the shapes connect to make a beautiful figure. And the figure is never completed! No matter how big it grows the design allows more and more piece to connect. The design of the design is connection! You only get this when you stop looking at one individual piece and start looking at the whole show. Sound abstract? Think about an orchestra – you can zoom into only one member of the orchestra or you can use a wide angle lens and see the whole orchestra. Both are there! Each individual member of the orchestra and the orchestra itself.
Here is the truth of our design, of our situation, our existence on this planet: we are social beings: you, me, they, we, have been designed for connection – we are perfectly designed for connection. We have whole, complete and perfect for connecting with our fellow human beings. Think about language and the connection it enables: I see you, you matter, you make a difference, your existence matters to me, you contribute, I love you. Neuroscience tells us that we have mirror neurons: I see you crying and seeing you crying, my mirror neurons enable me to feel/get your experience and thus I have the access to connect with you.
Look around you, look around you, wherever you want in the world. What do you see? People live with one another, people live next to one another, people work together, people trade with another. Now think about this, you are invited to party you are told how amazing it will be – the food, the drinks, the place (say Hawaii or whatever your favourite place), the music will be just so, exactly they way you want it. Can you imagine yourself at this party? How delightful does it feel? There is catch to this party. No other human being will be present. The drinks and the food will be served by robots. The dj taking care of the music will also be a robot. How excited are you now? Are you going to that party? No, right? That is the truth of our being, our design, that we do not see and we are not encouraged to see. Hell for us is solitary confinement: have you ever wondered why this is the harshest punishment meted out in prison? Because the prison guards gets what is so – the truth of our design as human beings. People matter to us. People contribute to us. We are only human when we are connected to, contributing to, one another.
A movie recommendation: The Way
Are you up to getting present to what I am speaking about? I recommend that you watch “The Way”: Michael Sheen plays Tom, an American doctor who comes to France to collect the remains of his dead son, killed in the Pyrenees while walking The Camino de Santiago. Driven by profound sadness, and desire to understand his son better, Tom decides to embark on this historical pilgrimage. Tom navigates this 800km journey and soon meets others around the world, all looking for greater meaning in their lives. This is a moving, inspiring movie that provides a powerful access to the human condition and our greatness.
And Finally
If you are still wondering about your greatness then let me repeat: our greatness is that we are whole, complete and perfectly designed for reaching out, connecting, uplifting, healing, completing one another and generating a beautiful pattern called life on Earth. I leave you with this picture to ponder – it is visual metaphor for our lives:
I thank you for your listening. The context from which I am living my life is “I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter, let’s live extraordinary lives and co-create a world that works, none excluded”. Are you up for joining me? You Matter, your answer matters and shapes our world that we share! I love you. I hope you will join me.
Intentionally blind to the truth of our existence?
I am blind to something and if you are like me then you are likely to be blind to something. Why am I blind to this particular truth? Because, to get present to this truth leaves me no excuses. When I, you, we get present to this truth there are no escape routes. I, you, we become responsible for a ‘world that does not work’ and then the usual avenues of excuses and complaining are closed to us. For most of us that burden is so heavy to bear that we go about absolutely convinced of the opposite of what is so. Before I share this truth with myself and with you let me share with you what is so in the taken for granted, ordinary, mode of being.
The ordinary mode of existence: I am puny, I do not matter, I am not responsible
In our day to day existence we tell ourselves that we do not make a difference. That’s right we feel small, we occurs to ourselves as being insignificant in comparison to the powers that matter, that shape the world. We are puny in comparison to; the nation states; the institutions of the nation state including government, judiciary, the police; the global corporations that often wield more power than many nation states; and the media which decides that which gets attention and what gets ignored.
Take a look at the picture. Do you not see yourselves as one of those small dots – one amongst an ocean of small dots surrounded by, subservient to the powers that be? And do you not just give up – go with the flow, accepted practice, doing you best to fit into the way that the world is. If you have more gumption, more intelligence, you may make the effort to carve out a place for yourself in the world where you can simple be – rather like a hermit or a warlord, depending on your disposition.
Seeing ourselves so puny do we (you and I) not comfort ourselves with the notion that we ‘victims’ of the way that the world is? Do we not say that the way it is has nothing to do with us? Do we not escape any and all responsibility to do with the way that it is and the way it is not? And as such we can comfort ourselves saying the world may be ‘bad’ but we are ‘good’?
A funny thing happened in the office recently
I turned up at the office recently and talking with a member of leadership team I was confronted with what is so and I do not wish to face. What exactly am I talking about? I was told that my presence in the office was missed! He was telling me that it matters (to him, to the leadership team, to the company) whether I am present in and work out of the office. My automatic reaction? What are you talking about? I don’t matter to you, to the leadership team, to the company! I do matter to my clients and I take care of my clients – I make sure that I take care of my clients.
Then it hit me. How many times have I been told that I matter? How many people have told me that I matter? How many people have told me that I have changed their lives simply by being me and doing what I naturally do? What is my response – what goes on in my mind? Sometimes I discount what I am told, other times I am simply embarrassed and most of the time it is both. My reaction? “You cannot be talking about me. I am ordinary. I make no difference. You are just being nice. No, you cannot be serious, I’m just an ordinary fellow getting through life as best as I can.” Outwardly, I simply say “Thank you”. The conversation finishes, I am glad it is over and so I can forget about it.
‘Extra-ordinary’ living: I matter and I take the stand that I am responsible for EVERYTHING as it is and as it is not
I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter! Through our speaking and our acting – including that which we do not speak of and that which we do not do – we influence, shape and create the world we live in. Why is that? Because, our existence is like a wave that ripples and touches many others. We are waving all the time and so we are touching others all the time. Contrary, to our beliefs and our cultural worldview, we are NOT particles. No, we are waves: we are constantly touching others and being touched by others; we influence others and they influence us – all the time. This influence extends to our death – we touch others through our dying. And even beyond the grave we touch others with the legacy that we have left – either through action or inaction. Allow me to share a quote with you:
“We cannot be deceived. Men can and do destroy the humanity of other men, and the condition of this possibility is that we are interdependent. We are not self contained monads producing no effects on each other except our reflections. We are both acted upon, changed for good or ill, by other men; and we are agents who act upon others to affect them in different ways. Each of us is the other to the other. Man is a patient-agent, agent-patient, interexperiencing and interacting with his fellows.” RD Laing, The Politics of Experience
It matters:
whether I work here at home, with my clients at their offices or at the offices of the company I work for;
whether I look my fellow human beings in their eyes and smile;
whether I choose to let one of my fellow human beings cut into the main road from a side road given that I have the priority;
whether I cycle to work or drive a gas guzzling car to work;
whether I help the old man in the start that has fallen over and is lying on the pavement;
whether and how I speak to you when we encounter each other in the office;
where and how I spend my money..
EVERYTHING I, you, we speak or do not speak matters; EVERYTHING I, you, we do or do not do matters; EVERYTHING we focus or do not focus our time-money-effort on matters. I, you, we matter, ALL THE TIME. That is simply what goes with existing – being a part of the pattern called life.
EVERY action or inaction, no matter how small matters: we live in a non-linear world where small changes can have a huge impact. The ‘Butterfly’ principle shows that in the world as it is EVERYTHING is interconnected, interdependent AND a miniscule change, action, like a butterfly flapping its wings can change the weather half way across this planet.
Now more than ever I, you, we are enormously important and powerful. It is easier than ever for each SINGLE one of us to change the world. The internet, mobile telephony and social media allow us to come together and effect change in the world.
Two great examples of the impact we can make if we choose to make it
The first is our fellow human beings, in Brazil, putting their humanity into action and saving 30 stranded, in pain, dying dolphins. Their actions matter – notice that it started with one person moving from the beach into the sea and this set the cue for others to follow, to join in. And that video has been viewed over 2 million times.
People in Brazil save 30 beached dolphins:
The second video is part of the most talked about social campaign in existence today. It has been viewed over 69 million times and as a result Joseph Kony is now a well known name.
Kony2012:
Final question: am I, are you willing to give up the delusion and live as ‘gods’ and shoulder the responsibility that comes with that?
I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter – that is simply what is so and it is even more so now, today, than any other time in our history. Our delusion is that we think, we believe and we go about our living from the context that “I am insignificant, I am puny, I do not matter. So I can do whatever I want as it has no impact on anyone else.” We do not leave it there. We add a fool’s errand on top of this delusion, actually it is only possible if this delusion is there as the foundation. What is this fool’s errand?
Fools errand: being deluded that I am puny, I am in signficant, I do not matter, I set about doing all manner of stuff to prove to myself, to you, to my work colleagues, to the world that I do matter. Hey look I matter, I am important, I am significant. Look at my job title. Look at my big, new house. Look at my latest, expensive car. Look at my clothes. Let me tell you where I went on holiday this year……
I can give up the fool’s errand and so can you. You and I can face up to the scariest (and most powerful) truth of all: you matter, I matter, we matter all the time. Everything that we do or do not do has an impact (especially now in the days of the internet and social media) and because of that you and I are 100% responsible for EVERYTHING that is so and is not so in this world. What an awesome responsibility that is. What an awesome opportunity that is. What an awesome context to operate from! And this context provides the access to live a transformed life.
What characterises ordinary living? What if I said:
Separation. I occur to myself as being separate from all else that is – the tree, the grass, the river, the mountain, you.
Survival. I am committed to my survival – to make to the end of the day, intact. You could say that my genes have wired me to survive so that they can pass on to the next generation.
Fixing. I am fixing stuff that is not as I say it should be. I strive to fix myself, fix you, fix this, fix that. Fixing shows up as necessary to ensuring my survival – my place in this world.
Searching. I search for answers on as to how I should behave, how you should behave, how to fix stuff, how to get ahead in the world – from books, from magazines, from the internet, from you, from the gurus / experts, and sometimes myself.
Striving. I am constantly striving to get somewhere other than where I am. Striving bo be somebody rather than whom I am, a nobody or not good enough. Striving to attain money-status-position-power. Striving to look younger/older, more beautiful/less beautiful.
Someday. I tell myself that someday I will be the person who I want to be; someday I will be living where I want to live; someday I will be living how I want to live; someday I will be living with the kinds of people I want to live with; someday I will have the money that I need to have; someday I will have the right job for me……..
The Matrix. I am fully enmeshed in the matrix that is my mind – concepts, ideas, fantasies, dreams, ideologies, points of view, fears, concerns, desires, attachments – and in the process I am not present to the experience of living. I drink tea and am not present to the experience. I drive and cannot even remember driving. I eat and do not taste my food…
Faulty / Not Good Enough. I occur to myself as ‘faulty’, ‘insufficient’, ‘incomplete’, ‘not good enough’ and so I do my very best to ‘look good, avoid looking bad’. So I strive to achieve to get access to the symbols that show people that I sufficient, complete, good enough, important, signficant…..Yet no matter where I get to the context that gives me being (and the doing that arises from that) is one of being ‘faulty / not good enough / incomplete’. I might fool others, I don’t fool myself – not for long anyway.
Present to what is missing/wrong. I look at life through the lens of the ‘glass half empty’. Something is missing that I really need to be OK with what is so, to live fully. Something is wrong – it does not match my point of view on what should be so. So I either complain or start fixing. I am not present to the ‘glass being half-full or completely full’.
Struggle. Life, our living occurs as a struggle – at work, at home, with family, without family, with friends, without friends…. – a never ending struggle to have things be the way that I want them to be. And as soon as I get what I want, I want something different or I want what I have to be different.
‘Extra-ordinary living’
What is the access to extra-ordinary living? I have been reading (again) a book that I read many years ago and thoroughly enjoyed. This time I read it very differently and this passage showed up which I want to share with you as it provides an access to ‘extra-ordinary’ living:
“Wake up! Wake up! Soon the person you believe you are will die – so now, wake up
and be content with this knowledge: There is no need to search; achievement leads nowhere. It makes no difference at all, so just be happy now!
Love is the only reality of the world, because it is all One, you see.
And the only laws are paradox, humour, and change.
There is no problem, never was, and never will be.
Release your struggle, let go of your mind, throw away your concerns, and relax into the world.
No need to resist life; just do your best.
Open your eyes and see that you are the universe; you are yourself and everyone else, too! It’s all the marvelous Play of God.
Yesterday the family (five us) spent some time just being together and sharing what we were happy to share about our lives. I found myself laughing when my younger son was sharing his encounters and experiences at school: it was not the content that ticked me, it was the way he was being and how he was expressing himself. At one point all of us were laughing and I could see that my younger son was enjoying the relationship – our laughing had him laughing. Then the laughter died – at least inside of me. How? Why?
My son mentioned that he was going to the taking the foundation course in English. There is nothing to that statement – it is just words. Yet, that is not what the mind (I hesitate to call it my mind as I do not own it and I do not control it, it controls me and in that respect i belong to it) made it mean. Straight away my experience was that of disappointment and anger. Given that was the case, what do you think I said? I found myself listening to the following: “I don’t care, do whatever you want, it’s your life!”
Reflecting on that experience I am present to the fact that I lied. I made that statement to persuade / convince myself that “I do not care, do whatever you want, its your life!”. Why did I need to convince myself? Some part of me cared deeply about what my son studies and how well he does. And that part was disappointed that my son had not stayed with the original course: it listened to the foundation course as a lesser course and listened to my son as someone who does not have high standard. Once I got what had occurred and that I was the source of my experience all of my disappointment and anger just flew away (instantly) and I was left with “What a jerk I am when I am playing small!”
If I was ‘Playing BIG’ I would have owned my experience and been truthful. I’d have said: when you said “I am doing the foundation course in English” I noticed that disappointment and anger were present in my world and I noticed that my stomach tightened up as if I was going to be sick. That tells me that I have a point of view on what course you should be taking in English. It also tells me that I have a stake in what you are doing and how well you are doing.
If I had been ‘Playing BIG’ I would have owned by story and been truthful. I’d have said: “I know that you have extremely high standards. In fact sometimes I think your standards are too high – unreasonable. It just does not strike me that you have to play to get A* in all of your subjects. I know that you are on track to do well. I also know that you struggle to do well in English and realistically you expect to get a B. Will the foundation course allow you to get a B?” Most likely he would have said (which he later did say) “My teacher and I are aiming for a B and the foundation course will allow me to get that without all the stress I am putting myself under trying to get an A/A*”. And I would have said “I wonder what it is about me that I am or was disappointed and angry when you mentioned that you are going to switch to the foundation course?”
It strikes me that a core part of ‘Playing small’ (which is what I have been doing for the last 10 years) is lying to myself and others. It also strikes me that another core part of ‘Playing small’ is not taking responsibility for ‘my story’ (what I tell myself about how I should be, people should be, the world should be) – noticing it and owning it. Not using it to beat up others even if the beating up is indirect through statements like “I don’t care, it’s your life, do what you want!”
So if you are up for entering into the game of ‘Playing BIG’ full out then you also need to adopt these practices: own your story, own your experience and be ruthlessly honest with yourself and with people you are in relationship with.
As I wrote in one of the earlier posts we can play the game of happiness at many different levels. One of the levels that occurs as being particularly interesting and inspiring is that articulated by Werner Erhard. When he speaks there is value in listening and really getting what he is pointing towards and making available to us. I have been listening to Werner speak and this is what he has to say:
“One of the things I am really sure about is nothing will make you happy. Very few things I am really sure about. That is one of things I am really sure about. Nothing will make you happy. It may give you give you a jolt. It may make you gleeful but it isn’t going to make you happy. What does that mean nothing will make you happy. It means what it says: there is no thing that’s going to make a person happy. Most people think gee when I graduate then life will be great. No. You graduate thats wonderful but life still aint great. When I get married then life will be great. Not true. Well when I get divorced then it will be ok. Or when I get promoted, whatever it is, when I get a new car….when I get a chance to go on this new vacation… All of you have to do is to watch people on vacation and you can see very clearly vacations do not make people happy. No, no, no.
Most people live their lives working towards something, working for something, that they think is going to make them happy. And it’s really the Peggy Lee song “Is that all there is?”. No matter what it is you get that you think is going to make you happy I can promise you that in a very short time after you get it you’re gonna be well “Is that all there is? Is that all there is to that? You mean it’s not filling my life with joy?” Yes, that’s right it, it isn’t.
You have to bring happiness to life. You don’t get happiness out of life.What is there to be happy about? Nothing. When you can be happy about nothing. Just be happy. You know “I am happy” – those words are sacred. It’s like a declaration, it’s like a place from which I come, it’s like a stand I take upon myslf. Its not I am pretending to be happy, it’s not I am acting happy. No. I am happy!“
If you find value in what Werner has to say then I suggest you check out the following: Transformation, One to One With Werner Erhard – a series of six pay per view interviews with Werner Erhard. From where I stand they are great value for money.
Existential Conversations For Playing Big 