This month we celebrated my birthday and as usual the question was “What do you want for your birthday?”. As usual my answer was “I am blessed, I don’t need anything. Really, I don’t need anything. What I’d like is heartfelt, handmade card from you to me.” And that is what I got. The one that really captured my heart is this one:
When I read this card for the first time I was deeply touched and moved to tears. Every time I read this card I am deeply touched – the tears just flow down my cheeks. Great, this card makes me feel good. The deeper, more interesting, question, for me, is this one: “Is it true? Is this an accurate description of me?”
Who am i?
I am clear that “i” does not live up to the picture that my son paints. What do I mean by “i”? What / who am I pointing at/towards? When I use the term “i” I am pointing at the automatic machinery of human beings. The machinery that is always there, always running, and which runs me. What are the characteristics of this machinery, this “i”? In my case I associate the following with my “i”: selfish, critical, safety seeking, negative, impatient, intolerant, aggressive, unhelpful, manipulative, looking for approval, seeking admiration, lying, pretense, cowardly, focussed on me, me, me and my survival. Not a flattering picture is it? Yet, if I am to accept the picture painted by my son it occurs to me that I must also be present to and mindful of this aspect of me.
Who am I?
I am clear that who I am is not “i”. That is to say that I am clear that I am not my automatic machinery – the “i”. I am clear that I am the conscious, self-determining being, who declares that I am the author of my life. I am the person who totally gets “At all times, under all circumstances, I have the power to transform my life”. I am clear that I am the person who has invented and entered myself into ‘playing BIG’ of living an ‘extraordinary’ life, of being of service, of being a source of contribution, of co-creating a ‘world that works’ none excluded.
What does that mean for me, my living, my life?
To show up as the kind of person that my son writes about, is proud of, and loves it takes something. First, I have to be constantly mindful that the default condition of human existence is “i” and the game that goes with that ‘playing small’. Second, I have to create myself as the “I” that is committed to be ‘playing BIG‘; living an ‘extraordinary’ life; being of service / contribution to my fellow human beings; putting something into life; being a stand for a ‘world that works’ none excluded.Third, I have to keep “I” and the game that I is playing in existence. And a fundamental part of keep “I” and the game I is playing in existence is telling the truth.
So here is my truth for you my son. If I was as great as you say I am then your card would not mean anything to me. My truth is that often and frequently I am not being the person that you describe and that you are proud of. Yet, I am clear that my stand is to be the kind of person that you describe, that you are proud of, that you love. And living from that context I am deeply touched by your card and the the small contribution I have made to your life. Your act of kindness towards the beggar moves-touches me deeply and inspires me to be my Stand and play full out to be a source of contribution to you, our fellow human beings and Life itself. And within that context, falling short of the mark encourages me redouble my Being and my effort. I love you.
What is real? What is our relationship to reality? Here is what Werner Erhard had to say on this matter:
“You don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground. Anybody who knew their ass from a hole in the ground could stand up and tell me how they know when something’s real.”
Let’s take a look, a closer look. Is the Sun real? Is the Moon real? Is that road real? Is that car real? Is that tree real? Are your hands real? Are your eyes real? Are your feet real? Have you noticed that those questions are easy to answer. Are you aware that you don’t ask yourself these questions? Do you notice that we don’t get into heated discussions about whether the sun exists or whether you have two feet? So why does Werner make the statement that he makes? Because you confuse beliefs (what we say is true, what we say is real) with truth/reality!
Beliefs and our relationship to our beliefs
Why do you and I need beliefs? Think about this deeply and you will see that we do not need to believe in the Sun, the Moon that car in front of you or your arms. Notice that what is real does not require a belief! Go further and you inevitably come to the conclusion: beliefs are simply statements about us, about people, about the world, that cannot be proven. Put differently when we enter the land of beliefs we are dreaming whilst being awake yet not present to the fact that we are dreaming. Belief land is fantasy land – it is the fantasy land that we have been granted by our culture, your parents, our schoolteachers, our media, our friends and it is also a land that we shaped by constructing our own beliefs.
We give up our freedom by constructing the bars of our prison through beliefs
Look we have established that reality does not need beliefs. We have also established that beliefs only arise when they are not supported by reality. That is to say beliefs arise and can exist only if there there is no evidence, in the real world, that confirms that beliefs. Lets go to the point: beliefs are superstitions!
What happens when we construct beliefs? We give up our zone of freedom. Allow me to illustrate:
I believe that I my religion is the only true religion. Consequence: I cannot be with, explore, learn from the other religions.
I believe that I am superior to you, know more, am better than you. Consequence: I will not enter into a real relationship with you, I will not listen to you, I will not learn from you, I will take on behaviours that are opposite of yours.
I believe that musical instruments, singing and dancing are the ‘devils work’. Consequence: I will not own/play a musical instrument nor sign nor dance. And I will segregate myself from people who do engage in the ‘devils work.
You get the idea. Every belief narrows down the zone of Possibility and of our relatedness and of our freedom to be, to participate in life, to live fully!
Now here is the really bizarre thing. When our fellow human beings show up and ‘challenge’ our beliefs we get upset, we sulk, we withdraw, we condemn, we get angry, we shout, we maim and we kill. That is how determined we are to keep ourselves enslaved. If we were sane, if we had a sound relationship to reality, we would welcome people who exposed our beliefs, our prison bars, and thus allowed us to set ourselves free.
Let go of your beliefs and set yourself free
We did not come into this world with beliefs, Once upon a time, you and I were in intimate contact with reality and simply flowed with it. And as such everything was permissible to us. Then little by lit we assimilated beliefs, constructed our prison bars and gave up that freedom we were born with .
You and I can reclaim our freedom right now by letting go of our beliefs. Every time we encounter a belief we can let it go – we can point at it and shout “Superstition”. Every time we do that we dismantle another prison bar and thus increase our zone of freedom. To do that we have to be willing to stand in a very different place: a place from which we see beliefs not as truths, nor as useful tools but as a prison bar that constricts our freedom.
Struggling with this? Please get to present to the fact that reality is reality and a belief is a belief. When our beliefs don’t match the reality then we suffer. Allow me to share a quote that I came across recently:
“My heart says people are inherently good, it is my experiences that speak differently.” Angela Sturm
When a wise person notices the mismatch between his beliefs and reality (what is so in terms of our experience) he gives up his belief. If you and I let go of beliefs and be with what is so we increase the ‘workability’ of our lives and thus minimise our ‘suffering’. This benefit is in addition to be reclaiming our freedom. Do you wish to be that wise person or do you wish to continue to be the fool? That is a choice for each one of us to make and live with.
How to live powerfully: replace beliefs with Stand, with Possibility
If I was Angela I would let go of the belief “People are inherently good”. Why? It is false – all beliefs are false! Instead I would recognise reality “Some people exhibit behaviours I say are ‘good’. Some people exhibit behaviours that I say are ‘bad’. The same person can exhibit both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviours.” Going further, I can let go of the belief and invent a Stand:
“I am Stand for recognising the good in people and calling that forth in my thinking, in my speaking, in my actions, my behaviour”.
Do you notice the power of the Stand? It is not a belief about me, about you, about our fellow human beings, about the world at large. No, the Stand is me creating / inventing my role in the drama called Life. It is a ‘call to arms’ that I give myself. Notice, that if people were already inherently good (and behaved good) then my Stand makes no contribution. By taking on this Stand I am calling forth / living out of the Possibility that I can impact how people show up in the world – ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
Do you want a concrete example of the difference between reality, belief and Stand/Possibility? Then watch this 4 minute YouTube clip of Viktor Frankl – Viktor explains the difference in a way that you will never forget. Why is he worth listening to? He wrote one of the most profound books (Man in Search of Meaning) when it comes to understanding of the human condition. And he survived the WWII concentration camps whilst losing everyone – all his family and friends. Yet, just listen to how he relates to people given his very real understanding of people:
How to cultivate great relationships with people and enrich your life
Relationships enrich our living. That is simply so, if it was not so then most of us would be living the life of hermits – isolated from our fellow human beings.
If you accept that relationships enrich our existence then you would want to generate goodwill with you fellow wo/man, With some you’d want to go further to become more entangled with one another and thus co-create intimacy. How do you do that? What is the insight that allows us to come up with the right practice? The insight is that each of us wants deeply to matter! We want/need/ strive to matter to the people with whom we interact. That includes family, friends, work colleagues, our neighbours and our community.
Given that insight what is the core practice that builds relationships with our fellow human beings? The core practice is encapsulated in a saying that I heard my friend Analia say to her young daughter: “People matter more than things!” I rephrase this “People matter more than any stuff that you are up to and any things that you want/own!”
How does this work in the real world? A personal story
Yesterday I was watching a movie with my wife and my youngest son. We were really immersed in the story that was being told. Then my eldest son came into the room and asked me for a hug. What was my first reaction? It was to say no! ” No, I am right in the middle of watching a really interesting movie. I cannot just stop it and give you a hug upstairs in your room – your mother and brother are watching it with me.” And that is the approach that I took though I put it more politely than that. After a couple of minutes I got present to “People matter more than stuff!”. So I told my wife and youngest son to continue watching the film without me and headed upstairs to find my eldest son.
He was delighted! He got that he matters to me, that I love him, that he is more important to me than stuff. And here is the truly beautiful piece of this story: I got that I matter to my son – his whole face lit up when I lay down on the bed and put my arms around him. It is when we put aside our “stuff” and give ourselves to our fellow human beings that they get that they matter. I was only upstairs with my son for 5 minutes – just 5 minutes out of “stuff” and those 5 minutes make all the difference to our relationship. We both know that we matter to each other.
Why is it important to put people before stuff?
The being of human being is a social one. What am I pointing at? I am saying that human beings are ‘herd animals’ – we are truly ourselves when we are in relationship with one another: speaking, listening, sharing, giving, taking, offering help, receiving help… Put differently, we exist in relationship. Even our ‘individuality’, our ‘self’, flowers and exists in relationship. There is no-one alive who is alive without the help of another human being. There is no-one alive, no matter how ‘individualistic’ he sees himself, who has not been shaped by other living beings – usually parents, siblings, school students, school teachers, neighbours….. Individuality is response to and flowers out of relationship and connectedness!
Yet, in the West, we ‘throw into and life from’ a worldview that does not recognise nor value our relatedness – mutually interacting and influencing one another. It does not recognise the impact we make on another. And whilst it speaks about individual rights it does not speak of our responsibilities to one another. The dominant idea is to allow everyone to do his own thing provided he/she does not interfere (actively) with other people and what they are up to. What we are not present to is that we matter to our fellow human beings: what we do or do not do matters – it affects the health, the well being, the happiness of our fellow human beings. Think about the rampant loneliness, the existential angst of leading ‘meaningless’ lives, the boredom that youngsters increasingly experience. How does this show up? Look around you the signs of social decay (ruptured human bonds) are all around us: excessive drinking, drugs, crime, corruption, gated communities, inner cities falling apart……
Are you ready to live from the stand “people matter more than stuff!”?
Is it time to hold a correct view of the world and our being as human beings? Is it time to embrace and live the stand “People matter more that stuff – whatever form that stuff takes and no matter how seductive it is!” ? Whatever you chose, notice that my choice affects you and your choice affects me – we are interdependent.
Possibility (or the lack of it) is what gives us being in the present
Possibility (the future we are living into) is what gives us Being (how we are being right now, what we are doing or not) in the present. What do I mean? Let’s take a look at Spring.
Spring has arrived in Berkshire and I notice that the people all around me – my family, my neighbours, the folks in the village – are smiling, their faces have lit up, they have a spring in their footstep. Why this dramatic change? What is is about Spring that has brought this on? Isn’t it the Possibility that we associate with Spring? The possibility of: being outdoors in a T-shirt’; of the sun kissing your face; of flowers blooming…..? Notice, how the Possibility associated with Spring is radically different to the Possibility associated with Winter.
What is possible?
I am not asking you a theortical question. I am asking you a personal question: what do you think is possible for you, for us, for life on this planet? Go deeper and ask yourself: “what is my relationship to Possibility?” Are you one of those who has an optimistic outlook on life (open to Possibility) or are you a pessimist (‘dead to Possibility’)? Now I ask you which game, if entered into fully, is more fun to play – ‘open to Possibility’ or ‘dead to Possibility’?
Do you want to reorient your relationship to Possibility? Then watch the following video (1 minute long) and see for yourself what was once considered impossible and today is simply taken for granted:
The music of Possibility: a moving, touching, inspiring example of Possibility
What is the Possibility for a baby born to ‘ordinary’ parents? Now, lets go further. What is the Possibility if you are that baby and I tell you that you are born without eyes? That narrows done that zone of Possibility somewhat, right? Lets, go further because the ‘bad news’ doesn’t stop there. What if I tell you that you are born such that you have a tightening of your limbs and joints that prevents them from every straightening? What Possibility is present for you? What is the future you are living into? Not much! Isn’t that what pretty much all of us would say without having to think. That is my point when it comes to Possibility most of us are wrong most of the time and yet we do not see it.
Allow me to share with you the Possibility that Patrick Henry Hughes and his father co-created, lived from and having been living into, and the results that have showed up for them, for their community and for us. Please watch this 5 minute video – I am confident that this will open up your world (your mind as to what is possible) and touch your heart:
My question for you?
What would show up in your life if you lived from Possibility rather than Impossibility? What would show up in your life if like Patrick Henry Hughes you did not accept the labels others put on you (and you have been putting on yourself)? What would show up if you moved from “disabilities”to “abilities”? What would show up if you gave up playing “victim” and became totally responsible for you life and played “god the creator”?
I invite you to get present to your living right now? Is joy present? Is self-expression present? Is vitality present? Is relatedness, connection, belonging present? Are they all present? If not then are you willing to be 100% responsible for what is so and is not so in your life? OK. Are you present to the cost of not living a life from the context of Possibility? Great then you are in the right place to to let go of your prejudices, your doubts, you fears to step into the clearing of Possibility and invent possibilities that move-touch-inspire you?
Remember
It is the future that you are living into that is giving you your being in the present (right now)! You can change your being by inventing a future that moves-touches-inspires you. All leadership starts with your self and the Possibilities that you envisage, commit to and play full out to bring them to fruition. The paradox is that it is the path that matters more than the outcome! Being on the path, wholeheartedly, is transformation. Enough for today.
Before I share with you a powerful access to ‘extraordinary’ living I want to share with you what is so about ordinary living: the point of view that keeps is embedded in ordinary living and the price we pay.
Ordinary living: I am flawed, you are flawed
Dig into your experience, dive deep, and you will find that the culture tells you that you should be whole, complete, perfect. Yes, you should! Yet, the message that you (and I) have been getting from our parents, our school teachers, our colleagues, our media, our places of work, even our religions is that we are not whole, we are incomplete and we are imperfect. Christianity is the dominant religion in the Western world and what does it say? You are born a sinner and you have to seek redemption! That is exactly what most of us buy into and do yet we fail to find that redemption because we are no a fool’s errand, we have a mistaken view of us, of life (more later in the post).
When you look at yourself, relate to yourself, experience yourself, you (and I) see ourself as something like this:
What is the price that I pay, you pay, he pays, she pays? What is to like to know/feel/experience being not whole, not complete, imperfect when the culture around you spins the myth of perfection? I know what that is like. You know what that is like! He knows what it is like and she know what it is like. We keep that shame of imperfection hidden. We strive and strive and strive to be complete, to be perfect, to be whole. Yet, the way that we go about is guaranteed to keep us rooted to being incomplete, broken, faulty, worthless, inferior, imperfect. If you sense of wholeness / perfection is tied to your partner then what happens when your partner becomes unhappy with you, starts an affair, or leaves you? If your sense of wholeness / perfection is tied to your job then what happens when you lose your job? If it is tied to your wealth then what happens when you lose your wealth or are in danger of losing it?
The price that we pay is the cost of wearing a mask. We can never put ourselves in the world as we are – we give up self-expression. We can never build genuine human bonds – the cost is genuine relatedness with our fellow human beings. We can never relax into the world – the cost is shows up as alcoholism, drug taking, stress, disease and an early death. Right?
Access to ‘extraordinary’ living: “I am whole, complete, perfect – just as I am and I am not. You are whole, complete, perfect – just as you are and just as you are not”
Look into Buddhism and you get a central insight into the human condition: we cause our suffering by living from/into an incorrect/false view of ourselves and the world. The false view is that I, you, he, she, they, we are broken, incomplete, imperfect!
The correct, the right, view is that I am whole, complete and perfect, just as I am and just as I am not. There is nothing to add and nothing to take away! And that applies to everyone of us. Sound philosophical to you? It is. Let me make it more concrete to you – take a look at the diagram below:
Do you see it? Do you see / get the beauty of what is so? Look at the diagram again. If you look at each shape in isolation you can easily say that it is incomplete, imperfect, something missing – none of the shape are a square or a circle! Now look at the picture as a whole – how the shapes connect to make a beautiful figure. And the figure is never completed! No matter how big it grows the design allows more and more piece to connect. The design of the design is connection! You only get this when you stop looking at one individual piece and start looking at the whole show. Sound abstract? Think about an orchestra – you can zoom into only one member of the orchestra or you can use a wide angle lens and see the whole orchestra. Both are there! Each individual member of the orchestra and the orchestra itself.
Here is the truth of our design, of our situation, our existence on this planet: we are social beings: you, me, they, we, have been designed for connection – we are perfectly designed for connection. We have whole, complete and perfect for connecting with our fellow human beings. Think about language and the connection it enables: I see you, you matter, you make a difference, your existence matters to me, you contribute, I love you. Neuroscience tells us that we have mirror neurons: I see you crying and seeing you crying, my mirror neurons enable me to feel/get your experience and thus I have the access to connect with you.
Look around you, look around you, wherever you want in the world. What do you see? People live with one another, people live next to one another, people work together, people trade with another. Now think about this, you are invited to party you are told how amazing it will be – the food, the drinks, the place (say Hawaii or whatever your favourite place), the music will be just so, exactly they way you want it. Can you imagine yourself at this party? How delightful does it feel? There is catch to this party. No other human being will be present. The drinks and the food will be served by robots. The dj taking care of the music will also be a robot. How excited are you now? Are you going to that party? No, right? That is the truth of our being, our design, that we do not see and we are not encouraged to see. Hell for us is solitary confinement: have you ever wondered why this is the harshest punishment meted out in prison? Because the prison guards gets what is so – the truth of our design as human beings. People matter to us. People contribute to us. We are only human when we are connected to, contributing to, one another.
A movie recommendation: The Way
Are you up to getting present to what I am speaking about? I recommend that you watch “The Way”: Michael Sheen plays Tom, an American doctor who comes to France to collect the remains of his dead son, killed in the Pyrenees while walking The Camino de Santiago. Driven by profound sadness, and desire to understand his son better, Tom decides to embark on this historical pilgrimage. Tom navigates this 800km journey and soon meets others around the world, all looking for greater meaning in their lives. This is a moving, inspiring movie that provides a powerful access to the human condition and our greatness.
And Finally
If you are still wondering about your greatness then let me repeat: our greatness is that we are whole, complete and perfectly designed for reaching out, connecting, uplifting, healing, completing one another and generating a beautiful pattern called life on Earth. I leave you with this picture to ponder – it is visual metaphor for our lives:
I thank you for your listening. The context from which I am living my life is “I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter, let’s live extraordinary lives and co-create a world that works, none excluded”. Are you up for joining me? You Matter, your answer matters and shapes our world that we share! I love you. I hope you will join me.
Intentionally blind to the truth of our existence?
I am blind to something and if you are like me then you are likely to be blind to something. Why am I blind to this particular truth? Because, to get present to this truth leaves me no excuses. When I, you, we get present to this truth there are no escape routes. I, you, we become responsible for a ‘world that does not work’ and then the usual avenues of excuses and complaining are closed to us. For most of us that burden is so heavy to bear that we go about absolutely convinced of the opposite of what is so. Before I share this truth with myself and with you let me share with you what is so in the taken for granted, ordinary, mode of being.
The ordinary mode of existence: I am puny, I do not matter, I am not responsible
In our day to day existence we tell ourselves that we do not make a difference. That’s right we feel small, we occurs to ourselves as being insignificant in comparison to the powers that matter, that shape the world. We are puny in comparison to; the nation states; the institutions of the nation state including government, judiciary, the police; the global corporations that often wield more power than many nation states; and the media which decides that which gets attention and what gets ignored.
Take a look at the picture. Do you not see yourselves as one of those small dots – one amongst an ocean of small dots surrounded by, subservient to the powers that be? And do you not just give up – go with the flow, accepted practice, doing you best to fit into the way that the world is. If you have more gumption, more intelligence, you may make the effort to carve out a place for yourself in the world where you can simple be – rather like a hermit or a warlord, depending on your disposition.
Seeing ourselves so puny do we (you and I) not comfort ourselves with the notion that we ‘victims’ of the way that the world is? Do we not say that the way it is has nothing to do with us? Do we not escape any and all responsibility to do with the way that it is and the way it is not? And as such we can comfort ourselves saying the world may be ‘bad’ but we are ‘good’?
A funny thing happened in the office recently
I turned up at the office recently and talking with a member of leadership team I was confronted with what is so and I do not wish to face. What exactly am I talking about? I was told that my presence in the office was missed! He was telling me that it matters (to him, to the leadership team, to the company) whether I am present in and work out of the office. My automatic reaction? What are you talking about? I don’t matter to you, to the leadership team, to the company! I do matter to my clients and I take care of my clients – I make sure that I take care of my clients.
Then it hit me. How many times have I been told that I matter? How many people have told me that I matter? How many people have told me that I have changed their lives simply by being me and doing what I naturally do? What is my response – what goes on in my mind? Sometimes I discount what I am told, other times I am simply embarrassed and most of the time it is both. My reaction? “You cannot be talking about me. I am ordinary. I make no difference. You are just being nice. No, you cannot be serious, I’m just an ordinary fellow getting through life as best as I can.” Outwardly, I simply say “Thank you”. The conversation finishes, I am glad it is over and so I can forget about it.
‘Extra-ordinary’ living: I matter and I take the stand that I am responsible for EVERYTHING as it is and as it is not
I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter! Through our speaking and our acting – including that which we do not speak of and that which we do not do – we influence, shape and create the world we live in. Why is that? Because, our existence is like a wave that ripples and touches many others. We are waving all the time and so we are touching others all the time. Contrary, to our beliefs and our cultural worldview, we are NOT particles. No, we are waves: we are constantly touching others and being touched by others; we influence others and they influence us – all the time. This influence extends to our death – we touch others through our dying. And even beyond the grave we touch others with the legacy that we have left – either through action or inaction. Allow me to share a quote with you:
“We cannot be deceived. Men can and do destroy the humanity of other men, and the condition of this possibility is that we are interdependent. We are not self contained monads producing no effects on each other except our reflections. We are both acted upon, changed for good or ill, by other men; and we are agents who act upon others to affect them in different ways. Each of us is the other to the other. Man is a patient-agent, agent-patient, interexperiencing and interacting with his fellows.” RD Laing, The Politics of Experience
It matters:
whether I work here at home, with my clients at their offices or at the offices of the company I work for;
whether I look my fellow human beings in their eyes and smile;
whether I choose to let one of my fellow human beings cut into the main road from a side road given that I have the priority;
whether I cycle to work or drive a gas guzzling car to work;
whether I help the old man in the start that has fallen over and is lying on the pavement;
whether and how I speak to you when we encounter each other in the office;
where and how I spend my money..
EVERYTHING I, you, we speak or do not speak matters; EVERYTHING I, you, we do or do not do matters; EVERYTHING we focus or do not focus our time-money-effort on matters. I, you, we matter, ALL THE TIME. That is simply what goes with existing – being a part of the pattern called life.
EVERY action or inaction, no matter how small matters: we live in a non-linear world where small changes can have a huge impact. The ‘Butterfly’ principle shows that in the world as it is EVERYTHING is interconnected, interdependent AND a miniscule change, action, like a butterfly flapping its wings can change the weather half way across this planet.
Now more than ever I, you, we are enormously important and powerful. It is easier than ever for each SINGLE one of us to change the world. The internet, mobile telephony and social media allow us to come together and effect change in the world.
Two great examples of the impact we can make if we choose to make it
The first is our fellow human beings, in Brazil, putting their humanity into action and saving 30 stranded, in pain, dying dolphins. Their actions matter – notice that it started with one person moving from the beach into the sea and this set the cue for others to follow, to join in. And that video has been viewed over 2 million times.
People in Brazil save 30 beached dolphins:
The second video is part of the most talked about social campaign in existence today. It has been viewed over 69 million times and as a result Joseph Kony is now a well known name.
Kony2012:
Final question: am I, are you willing to give up the delusion and live as ‘gods’ and shoulder the responsibility that comes with that?
I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter – that is simply what is so and it is even more so now, today, than any other time in our history. Our delusion is that we think, we believe and we go about our living from the context that “I am insignificant, I am puny, I do not matter. So I can do whatever I want as it has no impact on anyone else.” We do not leave it there. We add a fool’s errand on top of this delusion, actually it is only possible if this delusion is there as the foundation. What is this fool’s errand?
Fools errand: being deluded that I am puny, I am in signficant, I do not matter, I set about doing all manner of stuff to prove to myself, to you, to my work colleagues, to the world that I do matter. Hey look I matter, I am important, I am significant. Look at my job title. Look at my big, new house. Look at my latest, expensive car. Look at my clothes. Let me tell you where I went on holiday this year……
I can give up the fool’s errand and so can you. You and I can face up to the scariest (and most powerful) truth of all: you matter, I matter, we matter all the time. Everything that we do or do not do has an impact (especially now in the days of the internet and social media) and because of that you and I are 100% responsible for EVERYTHING that is so and is not so in this world. What an awesome responsibility that is. What an awesome opportunity that is. What an awesome context to operate from! And this context provides the access to live a transformed life.
I’ve noticed something interesting. There appears to be default listening around what constitutes ‘Playing BIG’ when it comes to the people that I know and have shared this Possibility with. This default listening involves a vision of the future, bold goals, striving after achieving those goals. There is also an element of ‘being someone’ rather than simply another human being. So a great example of ‘Playing BIG’ within this listening would be to set up a vision of being at the top of Mount Everest, setting up the goal of being there at the top say by the end of this year and then getting busy making that happen. And when that vision is achieved then I become someone ‘BIG’ – as now I am someone rather than anyone!
That is not how I speak or listen to ‘Playing BIG’ – not for me, not for you. I am clear that ‘Playing BIG’ will show up differently for different people. For me ‘Playing BIG” occurs primarily in the domain of who I am being rather than what I am doing or what I am getting out (achieving) of life. For you ‘Playing BIG’ may occur in the realm of achieving e.g. generating a $1 million in this calendar year, climbing Mount Everest or lifting 100 children out of poverty.
Looking more deeply into ‘Playing BIG’ I see that for me ‘Playing BIG’ involves the following:
a) Allowing my fellow human beings and especially my family members (who I interact with daily and share a living space) to be – just as they are and just as they are not. This occurs as a BIG ask as my default position is not to do this – it is ‘force’ them to fit into my point of view on how they should be. I am noticing that I have been failing at this often despite my commitment to ‘Playing BIG’.
b) Allowing the world to be – just as it is and just as it is not. Just the other day I was in a hurry to buy a phone case and I noticed the volcano of frustration and annoyance building up in me. I get that my default position is that the world should work so as to accommodate my desire, my wishes – instantly.
c) Expanding my circle of concern beyond myself. WOW – whilst meditating this morning I got that I have been so attached to ‘Playing BIG’ that in the process I have been ‘attached to not losing my face’ with the people who I have shared my stand in life (including that of ‘Playing BIG’) and as such I have been being selfish. Specifically, I have not been being generous (compassionate listening, making time available, doing what was natural to do in the moment) with my family.
d) Expanding the zone of my self-expression and vulnerability. Specifically, breaking out of the prison that I have allowed to build up around my self-expression. In the process of expanding this circle of ‘self-expression and vulnerability’ I have opened up this blog to Google (before you had to know it existed to find it). I have been singing. I have been dancing. I have been giving hugs. I have been playing table-tennis. I have been disclosing parts of myself that I have not disclosed before.
e) Dealing with my emotions (and upsets) in a way that creates harmony with self and fellow human beings rather than creates upset and discord. When immersed in ‘Playing small’ i tends to let emotions fly and land where they land. i does not take responsibility for what it is doing and the impact it is having on self and others.
f) Coming from the stand that I am responsible for my life (how it occurs to me, what phenomena show up) and letting go of the position ‘I am small and simply one of the pawns in the game of life‘. That is a big one especially when I notice that I am automatically immersed in a world where the default condition is that almost no-one (from the ‘top to the bottom’) takes responsibility for their lives and the world that we live in. We are all so busy ‘playing victim’, being self righteous and pointing the finger. When it comes to that game, my i is as good at playing that game as anyone else that I know on this Earth.
To sum this up I’d say that for me ‘Playing BIG’ occurs as ‘mastery over my ‘self’, the ‘i’ that tends to run me. For you it might be ‘mastery over the world or some aspect of it’. And that is OK.
Now when I say that this is how ‘Playing BIG’ occurs to me. Specifically, I mean that is how it occurs to me right now. If new stuff shows up then I am open to letting that influence how ‘Playing BIG’ occurs for me and how I play ‘Playing BIG’. And that means letting go of attachment to ‘my face – winning it or losing it’. If you are remotely like me then you will know that is a HUGE ask: being who you are being, doing what you are doing, having what you are having without consideration of ‘looking good and avoiding looking bad in the eyes of others’ is truly ‘Playing BIG’. How many of us play that BIG?
When I read this card for the first time I was deeply touched and moved to tears. Every time I read this card I am deeply touched – the tears just flow down my cheeks. Great, this card makes me feel good. The deeper, more interesting, question, for me, is this one: “Is it true? Is this an accurate description of me?”
Existential Conversations For Playing Big 