We are given to search for recipes, formulas, instructions, and methods. And there is a place for recipes and formulas. If I am new to baking a cake then having a recipe at hand makes a difference. If I need to get from A to B then the GPS will provide me with the step by step instructions to get from A to B, most of the time.
When it comes to life itself recipes, formulas, instructions and methods don’t work that well. At best they are hit and miss. I am not you, you are not me. And neither you nor I can step into the same river twice: we are not the same, the river is not the same. What works for me may not work for you. What occurs as being a good fit for me may not be a good fit for you. What leaves me inspired may not leave you inspired.
When it comes to living an authentic life, or living powerfully, or living an ‘extraordinary’ life questions are the access. With the context set, I invite you to listen to Arnold Schwarznegger. Why? Because, he puts forth one of the most powerful questions for inventing a life, an authentic life, a life that matters, a transformed life. This video is only 3-4 minutes and is packed with wisdom.
You and I have been conned. What have we been conned out of? We have been conned into living out of a certain story about ourselves and the world. It is story that says there is right and wrong. It is a story that there is good and bad. It is a story that say the way that it is is the way that it is. And that we are small and powerless to influence-shape-change-transform the way that it is.
It is story that educates-programs us into believing that life is about figuring out how to survive. And get ahead. It is story that tells us that there are rules to follow. And secret recipes. That the way to be is to figure out the rules and follow them. To fit into the box that is society-world. And that the way to get ahead is to access the secret recipes and use them to rise to the top of the box. So that we can dominate rather than be dominated.
There really is no space for ease-beauty-love-acceptance-joy-creative expression. There is no space in this story for putting a “dent in the universe”. And if we should share our dreams of putting a dent in the universe we are shot down quickly and aggressively.
Yes, we are small. But only if we buy into the story that we are small. Yes, we are powerless but only if we buy into the story that we are powerless. Yes, our lives are about surviving-fixing-approval-getting ahead but only if we buy into the story that our lives are about surviving-fixing-approval-getting ahead.
From time to time people have turned up to remind us that we can choose to play BIG. That showing up in the world as small or BIG is a choice. A choice that we make – every instant, every day. And as such we can choose to change our choice. These people remind is that life is ALWAYS created. It is the way that it is because we create the way that it is. They remind us of a fundamental truth our world is created by us. It has not stood still. Why? Because some of us have not bought into the myth that we are small and powerless. And have acted to influence-shape the world. To make a dent in the universe.
I leave you with this revolutionary short talk by Steve Jobs. A person who set out to make a “dent in the universe” and did so.
Here is the transcript which I recommend memorising by heart. And living every day:
When you grow up, you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world, try not to bash into the walls too much, try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money.
That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader, once you discover one simple fact, and that is that everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.
And the minute that you understand that you can poke life and actually something will, you know if you push in, something will pop out the other side, that you can change it, you can mold it. That’s maybe the most important thing. It’s to shake off this erroneous notion that life is there and you’re just gonna live in it, versus embrace it, change it, improve it, make your mark upon it.
Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.
A lot of pain has been present in my living over this last week. So much physical pain that I have done little even though I had plans to do a lot. Truthfully, I have been much less than I aspire to be. I found myself distant from my family. I have found myself being snappy with one of my son’s. I found myself just wanting to be left alone to deal with my pain. And when it got too hard I took the easy way out: I took muscle relaxants which eased the pain and knocked me out.
And in this very week, what shows up in my world? Inspiration. Heart touching-moving inspiration from two sources. The first is from “the happiest man in the world”. And the second is from 12 year old Jessie Joy Rees.
The happiest man in the world
I find myself watching this man, listening to him and being captivated. Captivated by what? His stance in life. The way he shows up in life. The way he counts his blessing. His philosophy of life. His wisdom. I am clear that he gets it. And as such I am delighted that I have come across him.
Jessie Joy Rees and the Joy Jars
What can I say? I find myself watching this video and there are tears running down my cheeks. I am inspired to ask this question:
How can I help them?
I have a question for you: how can I help you? Please think about it and let me know.
There is a young man called Jasper. He is the son of my friends Gisela and James. There is a big difference in age between Jasper and me. He is still playing with toy cars and watching cartoons. Yet, I find that I love being with him. In particular, I love the way that he is in my presence – comfortable. And the way he hugs me – with love, complete love.
This week a questions grabbed me: why is it that Jasper shows up as so special for me? It hit me that Jasper is a bundle of love. That is what he is for me – a bundle of love.
As I got present to this another question came up: why does this bundle of love make such a huge impact on me? And then the following three words came up from deep inside me and took me by surprise: “I am love!”. And getting present to this insight took me back to my childhood – before I came over to the UK.
At first I struggled with this – to accept this. A part of me stepped in to say “This world is no place for someone whose being is I am love!” And I got to see what had happened to “I am love!” and how it got suppressed.
Now, I get what is so. What is so is “I am love”.
“I am love!” Yes, I can be with that. Being with that I can choose better strategies to express “I am love!”
What are you? When you strip away the layers that you have built over yourself, then what are you?
Allow me to start the conversation through a story especially as daughter loves stories:
A long time ago in India, a group of disciples (monks) were watching their master make chapatis. The master would take a small portion of dough and roll it out using a rolling pin. Then he would place it on a hot griddle (pan) and proceed to cook both sides of the chapati. As it cooked he would smile and say, “Perfect.”
The disciples were puzzled. Each of the chapatis was a different shape, some of them were burnt around the edges, and none were perfectly round. Finally, one of the disciples said, “Master, how can these chapatis be perfect? Chapatis are supposed to be round, and they are not supposed to be burned!”
The master took the last chapati of the griddle and handed it to the young disciple. The chapati was more oval than round, and it was burned around the edges. “Perfect,” he repeated.
Is the world perfect or imperfect?
It occurs to me that you and I hold an idealised picture of how things are supposed to be. In our everyday lives, you and I constantly attempt to fix reality. We want it to fit into our concept of “perfection”. How does this leave us? If you are like me then it tends to leave you disappointed, frustrated, annoyed , ungrateful, joyless and exhausted.
Is it possible that the world is neither perfect nor imperfect? Is it possible that the world simply is and as such it is beyond any labels we choose to apply to it – including the label “it”?
It occurs to me that the world, the universe, works the way that it works. It unfolds as it unfolds. It dances to the tune that it dances to. It occurs to me that the world is indifferent to our ideals, conceptions, and preferences as regards what should be and what should not be. Just consider the weather!
Which begs the question, “Which stand is more powerful: the world is perfect just as it is and as it is not, or that the world is imperfect?” That is to say, is the stand of the master more powerful than the disciples or vice versa?
It occurs to me that, perhaps, the more profound question is this one, “What would be our experience of living if we dropped all labels and simply worked with reality just as it is and just as it is not?” Is it possible that our experience of living would be transformed?
When you and I are first given our part on the stage of life, life shows up as wondrous. We live in possibility. More accurately, we are infinite possibility. Nothing occurs as unreasonable, unrealistic, naive, silly. We are not present to criticism. Nor have we suffering rejection. Slowly and surely possibility is driven out of us and its place is taken up with right/wrong, good/wrong, appropriate/not appropriate, success/failure. And our house of being is filled with shame, guilt, duty, obligation..
Today, I’d like to get each and every one of us present to possibility once more. What is possible in the music business if you allow yourself to be vulnerable and simply ask? That is the answer that Amanda Palmer shares in this fabulous TED talk. I challenge you not to be touched-moved-inspired-uplifted.
This talk gets me present to that which is much neglected: asking/receiving can be a source of contribution when our asking shows up as giving. The kind of giving that generates possibility – a possibility that enables connection and mutual contribution – and enables a transformation in our experience of living.
Is it possible that the defining act of leadership is generating possibilities that call to our fellow human beings, engender connection, and create an opening for people to join together and co-create a world that works for us all, none excluded?
Am I willing, are you willing, to put in that which is required to play the game of possibility, transformation & leadership? What am I pointing at? The courage to connect with our deepest call, the courage to respond to this call, the courage to be vulnerable – to share that which calls us and ask for our fellow human beings to contribute.
Put differently, are you and I willing to generate the courage to ‘play BIG’ and give up ‘playing small’? To choose to be ‘extraordinary’ and risk criticism, even abuse, rather than stay comfortable (and dead) in the ordinary?
Our default way of being-in-the-world is to deny our freedom. Which freedom? The freedom to choose. Whilst I can talk about this philosophically, I prefer to point this out using a story.
The Bus Driver’s Gift
One afternoon a bus driver was taking 40 children home from school. As the bus made its way down a steep grade, the brakes failed. The driver was unable to steer the bus to the left because of a high embankment or to the right because of a steep cliff.
As the bus hurtled down the hill, the driver recalled that there was a narrow gate at the bottom which led into a field. He decided to try to steer the bus through the gate and into the field, figuring it would eventually come to a safe stop. He hoped that no cars or other obstacles would get in his way before he got to the gate.
When the bus reached the bottom of the hill, the driver saw the gate approaching fast. But to his horror, he noticed a small child sitting on the gate, waiving at the bus.
It was too late to change plans now. If the driver tried to avoid the gate, 40 children would die. He cried out in anguish as the bus slammed directly into the game. The innocent child died instantly in the collision, but that bus and all of its passengers were saved.
Emergency vehicles were the first to arrive on the scene, followed shortly by relieved parents and grandparents. Many of them wanted to show their appreciation and gratitude to the driver who had kept the bus under control long enough to save their children. But the driver was nowhere to be found. They asked the police officer where he had gone.
“They’ve taken him to the hospital,” the officer said. “He’s suffering from severe shock.”
“Well that’s understandable, ” they replied.
“No, you don’t understand, ” said the officer. “You see, that little boy on the fence was his own son.”
To be human is to be be free, condemned to choose
We play little, we find excuses, we pretend that we are merely ‘victims’ or ‘passengers’ in the game of life. What this story does is to remind us of a truth that we’d rather not see nor face up to. Why?
Because with this truth, comes responsibility: responsibility for the way our life is, responsibility for the way our community is, responsibility for the way our organisations are, responsibility with the way life is.
Stuff happens, that is simply the way the universe works. Sometimes, even often, we don’t get to choose what happens. And always we get to choose how we will respond to that which the universe puts our way. This is the essential truth that this story brings alive for me.
After watching the film The Impossible I found myself to have been affected rather profoundly. Put differently, I found myself to be ‘all shaken up’.
What shook me was the humanity that showed up in that devastation, that suffering. What showed up for me was how little of a contribution that I am making in the world. What shook me up was the level of pain that is in the world and what little I do to help my fellow wo/man in being with / dealing with pain/suffering. In short, I showed up for myself as a failure. Perhaps, even a hypocrite.
So I found myself with tears running down my face. Being with what was so I found myself tired/exhausted. And, I feel asleep in the lounge whilst getting hugs from daughter and one of the sons.
Some hours later I woke up and looked at the coffee table that was next to me. What did I find? I found a box of tissues and this note:
This note cheered me up. I was touched by the love of daughter for me. Then as I got up off the sofa that I was lying on and made my way to the mantlepiece I found my glasses and the following:
By now I was deeply touched. It occurred to me that perhaps I have not failed to be/make the kind of contribution that I say I am committed to making. Perhaps, just perhaps, I may be a decent human being doing. This cheered me up.
As I looked around the room and specifically the dining table I found some stuff. I wondered why that stuff was there. Who had put it there and why? Then I moved closer to the table and found this waiting for me:
At this point I found myself laughing out loud. Why? I was totally present to the love that exists between daughter and myself. It occurred to me that real love exists between daughter and me. In that space I got that I matter, I make a difference. And as long as my living makes a difference to even one being then my life is not wasted. Nor am I failure. It occurred to me that the future is wide open to being invented and lived for as long as I have this gift of a life – including the love that I am blessed with.
As I made my way around the rest of the house – the kitchen, the stairs, the bathroom, I found more notes from daughter saying the same “I love you! from Clea”. And in that moment, I got that this is real love. I got how blessed I am and in getting that I found my being transformed: I straightened up, I was taller, a positive outlook gripped me, smiles and joy were present….
The other day the four of us went to watch a movie: The Impossible. The film makers say it the true story of a family of five that were caught up in the 2004 tsunami that hit Thailand, Indonesia, Sri Lanka and 12 other countries. And killed some 230,000 people.
I was gripped by the move from start to finish. What gripped me in particular was the being of the mother Maria:
– Her absolute love for her son Lucas. And her willingness to do whatever it took to ensure his survival.
– Her humanity in the most dire of circumstances that save a young life, that of Daniel and which ultimately ended with Daniel being reunited with his father; and
– How she inspired her son Lucas to let go of his fear and call forth his humanity – to save Daniel, to help others in need, to be useful when so many were in pain.
I was also touched by the humanity of many others. People who in the most desperate circumstances put their humanity in action: shared what they had to share, put themselves out to save lives.
If you have not seen it then I encourage you to go and see The Impossible. If you do choose to go and see it then please think carefully before you take any non-adults to see this movie. It is not for the faint-hearted. And it is one of the very best movies I have seen.
Ultimately, it is movie of possibility, of transformation and of leadership.
There is no escaping loss, given time it finds us – each and every one of us. Some lose their favourite toys. Some lose pets. Some lose hopes and dreams. Some lose lovers. Some lose siblings. Some lose parents. Some lose friends. Some lose jobs. Some lose homes. Some lose all of their wealth. Some lose their reputation and status. Some lose their limbs. And then there are those of us who lose their ‘world’.
Recently, pregnant sister-in-law lost her baby. A miscarriage after three months. Complete surprise. Covered in blood. Dream shattered. Pain. Tears. Brother’s delight turns to sorrow. How to be with his sorrow and be there for his wife? It is hard – never faced this loss before.
How to be with this loss when it shows up?
When loss shows up in our house of being it is easier to bear if our family and friends are there for us: there by our sides, providing a listening for our sorrow, and sharing our grief. Thankfully, family and friends showed up for sister-in-law.
When loss shows up in our house of being you/I are confronted with choice. What choice? The choice about story: the story you/I make about the loss. This is a choice that matters. The story that you/I make determines our being: how you/I show up in the world.
Sister-in-law chooses a story that sets her free
Sister-in-law made a wise choice. She chose a story that allows her to make sense of her loss, be with her loss, and be free of her loss. Put differently, she choose a story that leaves her being powerful in life and not showing up as a ‘victim’. What story did she make? The story goes like this.
a) The human body, my body, is wise. If it chose to ‘miscarry’ then this was the right course of action for the baby and for me. Most likely there was something wrong with the baby and its development. And if the baby had been born then there would have been suffering for the baby. And for me. And her father.
b) I am blessed in that I already have a young daughter. She is healthy. She is beautiful. She is growing up nicely. We have a great relationship.
c) If I can make one baby successfully then I can make another. So I look into the future and I live into the possibility that there will be another healthy baby – sooner or later. When the time is right the baby will show up. Now let’s be with life just as it is and just as it is not. Let me count my blessings.
I find myself inspired by the wisdom of sister-in-law. I find myself inspired by the wisdom of brother who has adopted the same story. And this story can be a source of inspiration to me when I am faced with loss.
The folks at the weather station predicted snow. And then it snowed. And there was snow.
Upon seeing the snow the youngest two members of the family ran to the windows. They became smiles and excitement. They lived into a future that gave them joyous being: schools would be shut, no school, stay home, play with friends in the snow!
Upon being alerted to the snow, I reluctantly put on my shoes, headed outside and drove my car off the drive and towards the top of the hill. I lived into a future of risk/struggle/fear. The risk associated with getting my car off the drive. Last time it snowed heavily and did that I couldn’t. And when I persisted the car skid into a wall and required costly repairs. Struggle because every time it snows heavily it is a struggle to get anywhere without considerable effort. Why fear? Because twice in the past my car skidded in the snow/ice, I lost control, felt helpless, felt fear, and the car hit something.
Upon being alerted to the snow, my wife said and did nothing. She just got on with what she was getting on with or needed to get on with.
The next day, we had to go out. My wife drove and I was happy for her to drive. Later we are told that the schools have closed and have to go and pick our son up. There is a lot of snow on the ground. And it is snowing hard. We are not at home. There are long queues of cars. The sat-nav does not work, I am fretting. My wife, she is calm. It takes us over an hour to do a fifteen minute journey. I am uneasy, I am cursing the snow, I am fretting about not being able to get through to my son – he is not answering his mobile phone. My wife? She is calm, she is patient, she drives, she finds her way.
We get home. The children in the street are playing in the snow. They are laughing, they are clearly making it a great time for themselves, playing in the snow. Someone is rolling in the snow. It is our daughter, the youngest member of the family. Her face is red. Her clothes are soaking wet. And she is experiencing pure joy – out rolling in the snow. I look at her in astonishment and head inside where I can be warm.
What shows up for me? I am present to several distinctions, that I first came across in Landmark Education, that are in operation in each of us:
Event/Story: The event is simply that there is some 15m of snow. And then each of us, me, wife, son, daughter, made a different story of the snow.
It is the future that you are living into that gives you your being-in-the-world right now. My children were living into a future of no school, playing with friends, snowball fights. And their being was joyous. My wife was living into a future of ‘no big deal and it snow can be pretty. So her being was undisturbed, she got on with what she needed to get on with. Me, I was living into a future of fear/risk/struggle – of losing control of the car. And so my being-in-the-present was annoyance with the snow.
What am I present to? All that happened was that it snowed. All there was was snow, ice, slush, more snow. Yet, none of us left it at that. All of us made it mean something. And our being-in-the-world was a function of the meaning that our human machinery gave to the snow.
Which means that my being-in-the-world, your being-in-the-world, is a function of the story that runs me, runs you. And our freedom lies in our ability/freedom to create better stories – stories that move-touch-inspire us. Our ability to change reality – whether it snows or not – can be limited. Our ability invent stories, invent possibilities, is unlimited. So, ultimately, our freedom lies in the domain of possibility and of story.
What gets in the way of relatedness and relationship?
Judgement is an automatic way of being in the world. When we judge we carve up ‘that which is’, into ready-made buckets given to us by language, cultural practices, and our particular stand/situation. And when we do this we are no longer face to face with ‘that which is’.
Actually, you/I are NEVER face to face with reality – that which is just as it is. Why? Because the carving up of reality takes place without us being present to doing the carving up! So you/I are firmly planted in the conviction that what is before us is that which is – reality pure and naked.
Given that is our already always taken for granted stand in the world it is easy to see how relatedness and relationship suffers. I make you wrong when you do not see. You make me wrong when I do not see what you see. And from that place we withdraw from one another creating distance. Or we attack one another, bent on being right and proving the other wrong. If that cannot be done through word then we resort to fighting.
The way out of this trap: ‘look out of the other’s window’
I say the access to relatedness and relationship is to get that life/reality cannot ever be grasped accurately. At the very best you/I are travelling through the ‘woods of life’ and how life, how the world, shows up depends on where you/I are in those woods and in which direction we are looking.
Or as Irvin Yalom says ‘Look out the other’s window.’ What does he mean? Here is what he says in his book The Gift of Therapy:
“Decades ago I saw a patient with breast cancer ….. been locked in a long, bitter struggle with her naysaying father. Yearning for some form of reconciliation …. she looked forward to her father’s driving her to college – a time when she would be alone with him for several hours.
But the long-anticipated trip proved to be a disaster: her father behaved true to form by grousing at length about the ugly, garbage littered creek by the side of the road. She, on the other hand, saw no litter whatsoever in the beautiful, rustic, unspoilt stream. She could find no way to respond and eventually, lapsing into silence, they spent the remainder of the trip looking away from each other.
Later, she made the same trip alone and was astounded to note that there were two streams – one on each side of the road. ‘This time I was the driver’, she said sadly, ‘and the stream I saw through my window on the driver’s side was just as ugly and polluted as my father had described it’.
But by the time she learned to look out of her father’s window, it was too late – her father was dead and buried.’
Last words
Please get that we NEVER have access to that which is. That kind of access is NOT available to us. What shows up for us is determined by our biology. What shows up for us is shaped by our the assumptions and categories build into our language. What shows up for us is determined by our culture – the cultural practices. What shows up for us is a function of where we are standing at a particular point in our journey of life.
If you/I are present to this then we have access to WOW. What am I pointing out? WOW, how extraordinary that the world, that which is, shows up differently and uniquely to each and every human being. Let’s find out how the world shows up for my mother, father, husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, colleagues, boss…… Let me see what you see through your window. How extraordinary! When you/I stand in that place we stand in the place of wonder, relatedness and relationship.
Be humble. How you see it is NOT ‘the way it is’! You NEVER see it ‘the way that it is’! Be humble, listen to the other, respect the other: strive to look through the other’s window. Do that and you will never be alone, never walk alone.
One of my sons recently returned from Christmas in France. During Christmas he saw a beggar, he was touched by the plight of the beggar, stooped down and gave him money. His friends told him not to do that. They told him that the beggar was merely lazy and should get a job. This is not how the situation showed up for my son. How did it show up for him? Life can be hard sometimes. Nobody chooses to be dirty, out in the cold, homeless and begging. And the obligation of one human being to another is for the standing up to help the one that is on the floor.
Reflecting on this it occurred to him that whilst he likes the subjects he is studying for his A levels they do not call to him. What calls to him? To help the homeless: to provide them with a home, to clothe them, to feed them, to provide education and training, to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence, to provide the foundation with which to rebuild their lives. Listening to his speaking I was touched-moved-inspired and in large part that was because I got that this really called to him, the he himself is touched-moved-inspired.
Then my son shared his worry. What is the worry? Money. “How am I going to do this? Where am I going to get the money from to help the homeless? Where am I going to get the money to look after myself?”
Is this how we become wage slaves?
I got how it is that so many of us become wage slaves. It occurs to me that when you and I were young we had dreams like my son has right now. Some of us wanted to invent, others wanted to explore/adventure, others wanted to create/make stuff, others wanted to be of service to help others….. Confronted with the money question we put away these dreams and got busy with the practicalities of life. And little by little, one sacrifice at a team, we became wage slaves. Trapped: lifestyle, mortgage, school fees…..
What is a wage slave for me? For me a wage slave is a person who has no affinity for the work that he does. Importantly, he notices that the work is ‘killing him/her’ in some significant way and yet continues because of the money/rewards that go along with the job/work. Put differently, the work that the wage slave does and/or the environment in which he does that work does not nourish. On the contrary it is slow poison that kills that which is most human – the capacity to imagine possibilities, to pursue possibilities, to be a creator, an author of one’s life!
Is the point of living merely living?
Is our project here on here on Earth simply do feed oneself, clothe oneself, shelter oneself? And when these needs have been secured to entertain oneself and/or drown our sorrows with the drug of our choice? If that is the case then the meaning/purpose I give to myself is merely to survive, to exist.
And if that is the case then a question presents itself “What for?” Put differently, why toil away as wage slaves merely to survive? To feed, clothe, shelter and encourage our children to be wage slaves? So that they can do they same for their children and so on? Isn’t this madness? It occurs as madness to me.
My message to my son and all who are young or young at heart
So what did I say to my son? I encouraged him to pursue this possibility the one that calls to him. I told him that to be human – uniquely human – is to step into, live from and pursue that which calls to us. I told him that he is fortunate that he is present to that which calls to him. I told him that this is gift, a gift that provides access to walking the path that gives meaning to one’s life. Yes, there will be difficulties. Yes, there will be pain. Yes, it involves sacrifice. And what kind of life do you want to live, one that is difficult yet meaningful or one that leaves you showing up as a wage slave?
I reminded him of the film that we had watched some time ago. Which film? Into the Wild. And I posed the question, “What is better for you, a long life of drudgery, of being a wage slave or the kind of life that Christopher McCandless (the subject of Into the Wild) lived?”
What if money was no object?
Finally, I asked the question that Alan Watts asks: “What if money was no object?” I encourage you, especially if you are young, to listen to the words/wisdom of Alan Watts. I encourage you not only to listen but to let this conversation be you. Here is the YouTube video:
And if you prefer reading then here is the transcript:
“What do you desire? What makes you itch? What sort of a situation would you like?
Let’s suppose, I do this often in vocational guidance of students, they come to me and say, well, we’re getting out of college and we have the faintest idea what we want to do. So I always ask the question, what would you like to do if money were no object? How would you really enjoy spending your life?
Well, it’s so amazing as a result of our kind of educational system, crowds of students say well, we’d like to be painters, we’d like to be poets, we’d like to be writers, but as everybody knows you can’t earn any money that way. Or another person says well, I’d like to live an out-of-doors life and ride horses. I said you want to teach in a riding school? Let’s go through with it. What do you want to do?
When we finally got down to something, which the individual says he really wants to do, I will say to him, you do that and forget the money, because, if you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid. Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way.
And after all, if you do really like what you’re doing, it doesn’t matter what it is, you can eventually turn it – you could eventually become a master of it. It’s the only way to become a master of something, to be really with it. And then you’ll be able to get a good fee for whatever it is. So don’t worry too much. That’s everybody is – somebody is interested in everything, anything you can be interested in, you will find others will. But it’s absolutely stupid to spend your time doing things you don’t like, in order to go on spending things you don’t like, doing things you don’t like and to teach our children to follow in the same track.
See what we are doing, is we’re bringing up children and educating to live the same sort of lives we are living. In order that they may justify themselves and find satisfaction in life by bringing up their children to bring up their children to do the same thing, so it’s all retch, and no vomit it never gets there. And so, therefore, it’s so important to consider this question, What do I desire?”
Listen to the mystics and it is being ‘not awake’ – not awake to the reality of existence. Listen to Martin Heidegger and it is ‘fallenness’ – fallenness into they ‘they’, the ‘anyone’, the crowd. Listen to psychology and it is habit.
I say our normal way of being in the world is to be on automatic pilot. A great illustration is driving a car. How many times have you driven from A to B and when you get there you cannot remember the journey?
I say our normal way of being in the world is to go about life as one (anyone) goes about life. That is to say we have fallen into/with the crowd. Which crowd? Our society. Our social class. Our tribe. So you/I go about life as one goes about life: you/I dress like one dresses; you/I eat like one eats; you/I walk like one walks; you/I hang out where one hangs out; you/I talk the way that one talks; you/I work they way one works; you/I entertain ourselves the way that one entertains himself; you/I form the relationships that one forms….
Put differently, our normal way of being is for our habits to have us, to be us. And where do these habits come from? From our society, tribe, social class. So in our normal way of being you/I are simply being/showing up as our society-tribe-social class. At one level this works great. It allows us to fit in with the rest, smooths social relationships, and allows us all to work together and accomplish more than we could accomplish on our own.
And there is price. The price is at two levels. At the society-tribe-social class level we are blind to that which we are blind. Put differently, we have no access to what we don’t know that we don’t know. At a personal level we do not own our lives. And by not owning our lives we do not get the sense of aliveness, of joy, of meaning/fulfilment that comes with being creators of our lives – being, pursuing, creating, bringing about that which matters to us. We settle instead for a life of drudgery.
So we are asleep. Habit owns us. We are the crowd – they anyone, the ‘average’. Which begs the question, for those of us interested in waking up, what is the access to waking up and owning our lives, to living as creators?
Breakdowns are a great access to waking up and making breakthroughs in our living
Breakdowns are those events and moments in our lives when our ordinary way of being in life – not awake, fallenness, habit having us – breaks down even if that is for a minute or two. In our ordinary way of being – being comfortable with habit, being on automatic pilot – you/I do not welcome breakdowns. No, we get upset, frustrated, annoyed, angry and even violent. My son and I experienced a mild breakdown when in the midst of watching a movie the electricity was cut-off. Another example of a breakdown could be the loss of our jobs, or a relationship with a loved one.
If you/I are up for playing BIG, living ‘extraordinary’ lives then we need to welcome and make the best use of breakdowns. Why? Because breakdowns provide an access to breakthroughs. When breakdowns occur we are given sight – without our wishes – to our state of being, our habits, our fallenness. And if we generate the courage and make the time to get present to the sight that shows up for us then we enable ourselves to make breakthroughs in our living. Put differently, breakdowns if embraced in the right manner enable us to transform our lives.
Want an example of what I am talking about? Let me share with you the story that has made many tears flow from my eyes and still bleeds my heart. Which story? India and the horrific gang rape by six men of a 23 year old physiotherapy student in Delhi. From what I read it occurs to me that this is not the only young woman that has been raped. It occurs to me that many women are raped. Just yesterday I was reading of a young woman, mother of two, who threw herself of a train to escape rape and is critically injured. Put differently, to be a woman in India is to be ‘one who is subjected to oppression, abuse and even rape’. That is and has been the default state of existence for a long time. And this default state has been in the background, invisible, not talked about.
For whatever reason the horrific rape of the 23 year old young woman, Jyoti, and her subsequent death has brought about a breakdown – at least for now – in the taken for granted way of ‘the way the world is in India’. This breakdown has allowed people in India and outside India sight of the ‘darker side of modern India’ – that side which is not at all modern nor civilised (in the western sense of the word). And for some, this has brought both shame and disgust. So that is the breakdown that has occurred in India, at least Delhi.
I am saddened at the rape and death of Jyoti. I am saddened with learning that a young mother of two is critically injured because she threw herself of the train to escape rape. And yet I see possibility/transformation amidst this sadness. What am I talking about? This breakdown in India – a suspension of the ordinary way of being and going about in the world – represents an opportunity to make a breakthrough. What breakthrough? A breakthrough in the lives of ordinary women in India – young or old. I can see a world where Indian women are not oppressed, not abused, not raped. Put differently, I see a world where it is not ok for one to oppress, abuse, rape.
What will it take for people in India to use this breakdown to create a breakthrough and thus transform the lives of the women in India? For enough people to be / show up / operate from the possibility that the women folk are free, are respected, are not abused, not oppressed, not raped. Put differently, for enough people to climb out of their state of falseness and own/live the possibility of ‘freedom, safety and respect for the women of India’.
To sum up: yes breakdowns are painful, few of us welcome them, and yet if embraced breakdowns offer us the ladder via which we can climb out of our state of fallenness and make breakthroughs in our lives and transform the experience of our living. Isn’t that true leadership – leading our own lives, owning our lives, being a stand for that which matters to us, being a source of contribution to our fellow human beings and life itself?
What is this phenomenon called love? Investigate this phenomenon and you will find that it is not just one experience (phenomenon). No, it is manifold, many different experiences (phenomena) hidden under one label – love.
What are these manifold experiences housed and mingled together under this umbrella called love? There is the experience of desire which is more accurately labelled lust. And as lust is not acceptable, given our cultural practices, it is called love. There is plain sex and that is called ‘love’ or ‘making love’. There is ownership – in the sense of I have exclusive rights to you, your body, your sexuality, your resources, your time – and that is also called love …. and there is love as in care and caring.
It occurs to me that we would help love to flourish if we reserved love only for authentic care for another. What kind of care? Care for their wellbeing – in the physical, emotional and spiritual domains of life and living. Whilst I can talk about this it is better to get there more concretely. Allow me to give you an example.
In the morning as I was headed out to spend a few days away from home I was got a surprise. What kind of surprise? On one of the doors leading to the outside, a door I have to go through, I found a note for me. What kind of note? This note:
My wellbeing requires me to start the day by taking the Levothyroxine tablet. And to end the day by taking a statin tablet. That is just so. And more than once I have left my tablets at home. So my son, late at night, after I had gone to bed had written this reminder for me and left it where he knew I would see it. Why did he do that? Because he cares for me – he loves me.
Now, here is the thing to get. It is quite possible that my son felt strong feelings of love for me that night. And those feelings would not have shown up in my living nor made any difference. Why? Because I do not have access to his feelings. I do have access to his actions: I got present to the depth of his love when I saw this post it note and it moved me to tears of gratitude and joy!
I say that contrary to what the songs say love is not a feeling. No, love is verb – it is doing. Doing what? Doing that which contributes to the wellbeing of those we claim to love. And not doing that which gets in the way of the wellbeing of those we claim to love.
So you and I are confronted with choice: to live from the default context where love is a hodge podge of phenomena or to create and live from an ‘extraordinary’ context where we use the label love to mean love – love as in compassionate caring for the wellbeing of those we claim to love.
What choice will I make? What choice will you make? In making our choices we should be mindful that love – as in caring for the wellbeing of another – is the access to transformation: of my live, your life, our lives, of life as a whole.
It is so easy to notice what is missing in our lives especially when we swim in a culture where there is an agreement, an obsession, on what is missing. If you are wondering what I am talking about then think about what is wrong – with you, with your colleagues, with your friends, with your family, with your loved ones, with your work, with the economy, with government, with your society, with the world. You might be wondering what has ‘what is wrong’ to do with what is missing? Wrong signifies that something is missing – specifically, the state of perfection is missing.
Being fixated with that which is wrong/missing is the default way of being that goes with the ordinary way of being-in-the-world especially if you/I live in the most prosperous countries. This fixation leaves us feeling dissatisfied at best. At worst it can and does leave us frustrated, annoyed, angry and even bitter. That does not occur to me as being great places to be in.
I say that even in these difficult times you/I have so much to be grateful for! I say that even in these difficult times our lives are easy. I say that even in these difficult times we should take the time, especially as it is Christmas, to get present to how great it is and give thanks for existence just as it is and as it is not.
If your life shows up as difficult then what I say may occur as ‘happy talk’ at best. At worst, it may show up as a lack of sympathy for your suffering. I get that. So, I wish to share with you one of the most moving stories I have read during the course of 2012.
I say that if you make the time to read and be with this story you will be left moved-touched-grateful for the life that is yours. Here is a small abstract:
“As he hears me, he looks up and puts his hands on my cheeks. I pray that God would see this man and see his sufferings and that he would have mercy upon him. When I finish praying I kiss both his hands which are now wet from my tears, stand up, grab my bags and walk away.
When I get to the end of the street I look back to see that he has not moved. His face is in the dust again and I can see his back rise in small convulsions. He is sobbing.”
I invite you to read the full story here. I assure you that this story will touch your humanity, possibly move you tears, and leave you with a profound sense of gratitude for your life as it is and as it is not. How can I be so sure? This is what showed up for me; if you are reading this blog then I am confident that your humanity and my humanity overlap.
Have you ever tried to find and connect with your deeper self, your ‘authentic’ self? Have you ever wondered what kind of values that you should embody? Have you ever wondered what really matters to you? Have you ever wondered what kind of life you should lead, what kind of ‘projects’ you should engage in and pursue?
I have. And in the process I read a lot of self-help books with all the exercises including reflecting and finding experiences where I felt most alive, happy, joyous…. Yet, none of that really worked for me. Are you in the same boat?
If you want to bypass that and connect with your deeper self and get access to what really matters to you then I have a useful shortcut for you. Answer these two easy questions:
a) which people – real or fictional – are your heroes?
b) what is it, specifically, about each of these persons that makes them heroes for you?
My heroes include the teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School
Up to this week my heroes included: Gandhi, Jinnah, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, Maria Montessori, Joan of Arc, Albert Schweitzer, Oscar Schindler, The Prophet ‘Mohammed’, George Adamson, Tony Fitzjohn, and Monty Roberts.
This week, I have been deeply touched by the following people, who show up as heroes for me:
– Victoria Soto;
– Dawn Hochsprung;
– Mary Sherlach;
– Maryrose Kristopik;
– Kaitlin Roig;
– Abbey Clements;
– Yvonne Cech; and
– The Sandy Hook school janitor.
In a tragedy these people make me feel proud to be a member of the human race! These fellow human beings disclose for me the best of what we, human beings, have to offer as a species. What is that? They disclose that human being is not simply being-for-onself: the default view pushed by capitalism and modern society. No, they disclose that what is truly noble about human being is being-for-others: the willingness to put one’s life at risk for fellow human beings.
Out of this tragedy these men and women have disclosed the possibility of love, selflessness, courage and heroism. These values speak to me – they bring tears to my cheeks.
How to end this? I acknowledge the courage of each and everyone of the teachers and staff at the Sandy Hook school. I offer my condolences to each and every person who has lost a loved one. My heart and my eyes flow with tears – tears or sorrow for all those who have lost loved ones. And tears of gratitude for all those who put their lives at risk and saved lives.
I am proud to be a member of the human race. And with people such as Victoria Soto, Dawn Hochsprung and Mary Sherlach the human race if worth believing in and standing for.
Mitt Romney‘s wealth is estimated to be between US$190-250m. He was the CEO of Bain & Co (renowned management consultancy). He co-founded Bain Capital one of the largest private equity firms in the USA. He was the the Governor of Massachusetts from 2002 to 2006. He then got busy on his ambition to become president of the USA. Just keep this in mind, I will come back to Mitt Romney later in this post.
I notice that a lot of people are hurting. I notice that some of the people that are hurting, are hurting so badly that they are on their knees. Thankfully, I am not one of these people. You might be one of them. What am I talking about? I am talking about the tough economic times in the western world (Greece, Spain, UK, USA..) where many people have lost their jobs, their businesses, their livelihoods. This is new for us – not new for many others that live in this world that peoples us and is our home.
In many parts of the world life is difficult and has been difficult for a long time. It is not only difficult it is oftentimes harsh/brutal/unforgiving. Because this applies to just about everyone (except the elite) people in these parts of the world do not say “I am in this position because of me. If I am in this position then that means there is something wrong with me. I have failed. I am defective….” Nor do they go about saying that about others.
This is not a luxury that is available to those of us who live in protestant countries especially the UK and the USA. Why? Because the dominant narrative and thus listening that one person has for another is as follows: how your life turns out depends on you; look everyone, EVERYONE, can make it; if you have not made it then you must be responsible; you are at fault – you are the source of the hardship that you are experiencing. With this narrative comes a lack of compassion, kindness and generosity towards one another.
What is astounding is that so many people in the USA/UK have bought into this myth that they are hard on themselves. That is to say that you/I find ourselves on our knees and we blame ourselves. We are ashamed of ourselves. We berate ourselves. We think that we have failed and that there is something wrong with us. “Look, I live in a country where ANYONE can make it. I have not made it so there must be something wrong with me!” Put differently, we lack compassion towards ourselves because we have a FAULTY map of the world.
I say get real. I say get that you/I are not Gods – we are mortals and as mortals our circumstances and our destiny is to some extent ‘shaped by the Gods’. The Greeks got this beautifully. The Greeks got that at the end of the day man is subject to the ‘whim of the Gods’ and the best that s/he can do is to ‘fight the good fight’. This is what makes the human situation a tragic one; we are not like the stone, the plant nor the tiger – we can do so much; and yet we are mere mortals, not Gods. This might not be concrete enough for you so allow me to make it real by going back to Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney lost! He spent six years of his life and a spent something in the region of US$750m and he lost. The richest person to run for the presidency lost. One of the most influential people in the USA did not get to realise his ambition. Many thought he was going to win. He, himself, thought he was going to win and so had a massive celebration including fireworks planned. And how did it work out? He lost! All his wealth, his fame, his track record, his influence, the $750m he spent .. did not get him the presidency. In Greek terms ‘the Gods’ were not on his side, they favoured Obama.
I say get real! I say be compassionate towards those who are hurting right now – whether that is your fellow man or yourself. We are not masters of our fate. Whilst we can do a lot, we cannot shape, entirely, how our lives turn out or how the world turns out.
Werner Erhard, found this out in 1991. Many thousands of people flocked to take part in his seminars (est, and later the forum). Werner created ‘transformation’ and he touched many lives – indirectly he has touched mine through my participation in the courses delivered by Landmark Education. Werner preached ‘responsibility’. He urged the est participants to take responsibility for their lives – just they are and are not – rather than play ‘victim’ and blame others. Werner was soaring at the heights – both in terms of the impact he was making and his fame/fortune. Then in early 1991 he found out that CBS News were going to show a programme that was going to ruin his reputation. Despite his best, including his offer of taking a lie detector test, he could not persuade CBS News not to run the programme. And he left the USA and found himself in exile – reputation ruined. Many years later the allegations in the CBS News were retracted. And the impact on his life had been made – there was no ‘going back’.
Finally, I say that if you/I find ourselves on the receiving end of the ‘whims of the Gods’ like Werner did then we can put ourselves in a powerful position to be with and deal with what is so. First we can be compassionate towards ourselves. Second, we can in the context of this compassion take responsibility for our lives – including getting ourselves off the floor. Werner Erhard did just that. He left the USA and he invented a new life for himself outside of the USA and he has been making an impact all over the world.
And finally, if you find one of our fellow human beings hurting and/or on the floor (emotionally, financially, physically) then I ask you to give that person a helping hand. If you are finding that difficult because you are under the myth of ‘man as God’ that is so dominant in the USA (and to some extent in the UK) then I remind you of Mitt Romney, six years, $750m spent, and no presidency!
When I speak, I speak. When you listen, you listen to me speaking. Yet, I live in my world – a unique world. And you live in your world – a unique world. Given that is the case how can I be sure that I have generated the understanding, the experience, that I intend with my speaking? And how can you be sure that what you have heard me say is what I actually spoke?
This speaking and the listening brought to the speaking is particularly troublesome when it comes to ideas like extraordinary. So it is likely that some of you upon hearing me speak of an ‘extra-ordinary’ life or ‘extra-ordinary’ living will have collapsed this with extraordinary life and extraordinary living. They are not the same, they are distinct. Allow me to bring the distinction to life through a personal story.
When I was a child, before the age of 5, my life showed up as ‘extra-ordinary’ and there was nothing extraordinary about me or my life. I grew up in a farming community in a poor part of Pakistani controlled Kashmir. My mother was poor and we lived in a mud house. We had just enough to eat. I remember pleading with my mother for some milk which she would not give me because she sold it to buy stuff that she did not grow. The outward appearance was distinctly ordinary for that part of the world: one boy among many boys; one farmer’s dwelling just like many of the other dwellings in the area.
Yet, when I travel back in time and re-experience my life, at that age and in that place, it shows up as an ‘extra-ordinary’ life. I flowed with life and life flowed through me. In this ‘extra-ordinary’ living I don’t remember ever saying to myself “I am better or worse than someone else”. And I don’t remember saying to myself “I am good/bad”. I don’t remember saying to myself “There is something great/defective about me.” And I don’t remember thinking “I need to improve this/that about me.” I don’t remember saying “Something is missing.” Nor do I remember saying “This is hard work”. And I don’t remember saying to myself “I am bored, I need to find something to do”. I don’t remember saying “This is a good person, this is a bad person.” Nor do I remember saying to myself “I am poor or we are poor.” I am sure that I never said to myself “There is something wrong with my life.”
I do remember that some of the baby chicks that I loved and was responsible for feeding (water and food) died. I don’t remember saying “It is my fault. I am bad.” Nor do I remember saying “It is his/her fault for not giving me the water/food I needed to feed my baby chicks!”
I do remember being absorbed in living. I remember getting up early and being occupied for the entire day and going to sleep exhausted. I remember liking some people and not liking others – yet just getting on with them, with living. I remember liking being with my dog and not liking my mother chaining my dog up and not letting me play with him. I do remember joy in playing out all day. And I do remember great sadness when some of my baby chicks died. I remember laughter (lots of it) especially when I was playing with my dog and my friends. And I remember a waterfall of tears when I woke up to find my dog (my best friend) missing and not finding him day after day. I remember that one day the tears dried up and I got busy being absorbed in life and living.
I hope that you have gotten the difference between ‘extra-ordinary’ living and extraordinary living. You and I have the power to transform our experience of living from ‘ordinary’ to ‘extra-ordinary’ whilst living an ordinary life or an extraordinary life.
It occurs to me that so many of us are chasing that extraordinary life (of being the best, of being rich, of being looked up to, of pleasure….) and in the process we sacrifice the experience of ‘extra-ordinary’ living – the kind of living that I experienced in the first five years of my life. And I say it is never too late to transform the quality of our lives – to shift from the chase of the extraordinary life to generating the experience of ‘extra-ordinary’ living.
We celebrated a birthday in our home yesterday. It was all going fine – the five of us and my wife’s aunt (Lisa) were sat around a dining table enjoying food, drink and conversation.
The thought popped up, now is the time to play the track. So I got up and played “Happy Birthday” by Stevie Wonder – it is a track that I play at birthdays and daughter (whose birthday we were celebrating) likes it. Daughter started moving (sat down) and singing along to the track. Suddenly, she was up dancing and one of her brothers joined her. Then she grabbed me and I joined in as well.
When the track came to an end, daughter asked for “You’re a lady” sung by Tom Jones. So I put that on and she LOVED it. How do I know? The way she danced. And my son, who was dancing too, loved it too. And I loved it too – listening, dancing to it, with it. When that came to an end, I played “Sex Bomb” and that went down well with with us.
After that my son, who was dancing, complained about the songs that I was playing. They did not show up as modern enough, as cool enough, as sexy enough – not to his taste. All the time, daughter was just fine, enjoying the music – dancing and taking it easy. Struggling to find the right tracks, I got another complaint from my son. This time, I said with some frustration “How about being grateful that you have a father that cares and does this?”
Later, in the evening as I was getting to go to bed my son searched me out. He looked me in the eyes, give me a hug and told me that he was sorry. I welcomed that and was ready to go to sleep. The he spoke words and I got present to being moved-touched deeply – almost at a primal level, the level of the automatic functioning of the ‘machinery of being human’. Let me share these words with you:
“Papa, you are special. I will miss you when you are gone [dead]. I love you. You matter to me, you make such a big difference to my life.”
I have been thinking and it occurs to me at the primal level of ‘the machinery of being human’, you and I, strive to:
be loved and love;
live lives that matter, that make a contribution to ourselves and those that we love;
know/feel and be told that you and I are special – at least to one person who matters to us.
At the deepest, most fundamental, level of the being of human being is that what matters? Is that what human life is ultimately all about? Being loved, living a life that matters, and showing up/feeling special at least to one other person that we are in relationship with?
Existential Conversations For Playing Big 