Category: Practices

On relationships or why I simply love Rosemary!


How you ever stopped to really consider what is a ‘relationship’?

Do you think of ‘relationship’ as a  solid object that once created lasts for a long time, perhaps even an eternity?

Do you think of a  ‘relationship’ as being like a holiday – a clear starting and end point and in between there is lots of adventure, excitement, novelty and fun?

Do you think of ‘relationship’ as communication – talking, discussing, debating?

Do you think of ‘relationship’ as a meal around a table – the meal has to be created, the people invited to the table and there is sharing of food and conversation?

I realise that I have thought of my relationship with my wife as rather like an enduring object.  We created that object many years ago and having been created it should simply last.  After all we have been together for some 19 years.

Today, a wise friend (Rosemary) reminded me about an aspect of ‘relationship’ that I had perhaps never realised and if I did do so then I had certainly forgotten it.  She stated “A relationship needs to fed and nurtured”.

Yes, a relationship has to be fed and nurtured.  And that reminded me of gardening.  When I plant a seedling it needs lots of attention in the form of feeding an nurturing (light, water, heat etc).  As the seedling grows into a young plant it still needs feeding and nurturing.  As the young plant grows into a strong and healthy established plant, it still needs feeding and nurturing. All that changes is that the both the volume, regularity and form of that feeding and nurturing.  If you forget this and fail to feed and nurture the plant, even a strong established healthy plant, it will wither and die eventually.

I realise that to date I have had a mistaken picture of some of my closest relationships.  Thinking that they are now well established plants, I have mistakenly assumed that they no longer need to be fed and nurtured – they can look after themselves.  Thankfully, these relationships are not dead, simply withering and looking for some tender care.  That is my commitment: to give that care in the form of regular feeding and nurturing.

Thank you Rosemary for awakening me from my sleep!

Beyond No: How Can I Help You Achieve What You Really Want?


I play the role of father to three children and of husband to my wife and from time to time they ask me to do things for them.

Rarely do I say “no” and leave it just at that.  I often will say no in a way that shows either contempt, frustration or anger with the person making the request of me.  If that is not destructive enough I accompany my “no” with some kind of reasoning that suggests that I am saying “no” because of some noble motive or because I believe that their request is not in their self-interest.

The other day when I did that I had a flash of insight:  despite what I say, the real reason I say “no” is because I just do not want to do it – usually for purely selfish reasons.   It could be because I am busy and want to take care of my stuff, it could be because I am in a lazy mood, it could be that I figure out that it would act against my needs….

Then I got that even where there is a good reason for saying no – such as not letting my ten-year old wear make up – it is possible to approach each request with the following attitude: “how can I help you achieve what you really want?”

For example, my eldest son has been ‘pestering’ me to get his uncle to give him photos and details of the stuff his uncle wants him to sell on ebay.  My response to this ‘pestering’ was to become irritated with him and tell him off.  Then I asked myself the question “how can I help you achieve what you really want?”  As a result I have offered to take him to his uncle’s business and then he can take the photos of the items and place them on ebay.

When I have listened with this frame of mind I have found that:

  • My wife simply wants to spend more time with me doing stuff together and there are various ways in which I can make help make that happen;
  • My oldest son often finds himself bored and simply wants to be immersed in real world tasks that involve him in organising stuff, making stuff, buying and selling;
  • My youngest son simply wants reassurance, help with his studies and lots of hugs, affection and kind words as he is a sensitive soul; and
  • My daughter is simply growing up and needs some helpful guidance and lots of love on how to do that growing up.

By moving from simply saying “no” to the immediate request and looking at the need behind it I have found it quite easy to generate compassion and ask myself “How can I help you achieve what you really want?”  And that has been really helpful to my peace of mind.

 

“The greatest gift in life is the ability to help another human being”


In a world of 6 billion+ people I do not stand out and I am totally ok with that; I prefer to drive the Honda rather than the Mercedes.

Looking at my life I can honestly say that I have never have been the smartest, the most ambitious, the most charming, the best looking, the most athletic, the most generous, the best conversationalist, the most visionary, the best at promoting myself, the most ruthless, the boldest or anything else like that.

The only thing that I can say about myself that I am proud of is that I am kind-hearted.  That I have taken advantage of opportunities to help my fellow human beings.  That I have turned down opportunities to exploit my fellow human beings.  And that my circle of concern extends beyond human beings to include animals and plants – life itself.  I strive to live by the golden rule: to treat people as I would wish to be treated if I were in his / her shoes.

My most memorable moments are those where I extended a helping hand.  And that is perhaps why when I read the local newspaper I was touched by the following quote by a quadruple amputee who runs a Limbcare ( a charity he set up):   “The greatest gift in life is the ability to help another human being”.

It could also be the reason that one of the events that causes me the most pain is the memory of failing to do the right thing when I was some 12 – 14 years old.  When an old blind lady stopped me and asked me for directions, I stopped and supplied them.  Yet after I had left her to find her way to her destination, the inner voice told me that I had failed to do what I know was the right thing to do: to hold her hand and walk her to her destination.

On speaking


As human beings we speak.  Some even argue that language is what sets us apart – makes us uniquely human.  Yet, it is a gift that most of us are born with and simply take it for granted.  Very few of us really think about this gift and how best to use it.  It kind of reminds me of the community that I grew up in – the muslim community.  Almost everyone was born into and embraced the rituals yet almost no-one had any knowledge or understanding of the genesis of Islam nor the social reform and human centred values that were the foundations of Islam.

So we have a gift – this ability to speak with our fellow wo/man and be understood if we speak the same language.  Now the question is what frame can we put around this gift of speech, of communication?  More importantly, what is the most beautiful use of this gift?

When it comes to frames we have many choices. We can simply put no frame around it and continue as we are: spraying our words all over the place, they land where they land, they have the impact that the have.  We describe stuff, we make up explanations, we complain, we criticise, we gossip behind each others backs, we make up lies, we provide directions, we command, we compliment, we give form to our dreams and so forth.   This is the hidden, taken for granted, frame which gives form to our speaking.

I’d like to suggest a very different frame.  What if each of us, even most of us, were to view gift of speech in a radically different way?  What if we reserved speaking for creating affinity, affection and connection with our fellow human beings.  For example:

  • we share our likes and dislikes and what we want and need from our fellow human beings instead of criticising others – what they have or have not done;
  • giving ourselves and our fellow human beings wings to pursue our interests, ambitions and dreams instead of squelching them out of fear, jealousy or spite;
  • creating affinity and connection with our fellow human beings through acceptance, validation and the generally sharing of our humanity as opposed to creating distance and hatred which is all to common when we criticise, condemn and diminish our fellow human beings;
  • inspiring ourselves and our fellow human beings to bring the best of our humanity – benevolence – into fruit more often in a wider range of situations;
  • providing information – without preaching – that our fellow human beings are likely to find useful in living a good life;
  • to bring into being the kind of world that we want to live as illustrated by the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen;
  • talking about and resolving our differences in a way that recognises our need to find solutions that work for us all.

I am suggesting a frame in which our speaking is such that we do not attack, invalidate, exclude and criticise our fellow human beings.  What kind of a world can we create if I was to step into this frame?  And if you were to step into this frame?  And we were to step into this frame?

How about starting the practice, right now, for now to the New Year?  Are you willing to give it a wholehearted go? I am and I hope that you will join me. if you think that this is easy for me then you really do not know me that well!  I have been immersed in the language of criticism from the age of 5 and I mastered it a long time ago.

 

On Christmas


When I was young, living with my parents, Christmas was simply not being at school and being able to watch lots of interesting / entertaining stuff on the television.  I particularly enjoyed watching action moves. We did not celebrate Christmas as my parents are Muslims.

When I was at university, Christmas was an opportunity to be with my parents, my brothers and my sister.  I remember taking them out to Pizza restaurants and just eating and laughing together.  Occasionally, it was an opportunity to go to a friend’s house and celebrate Christmas with his family.  The friend that comes to mind is James Harvey.  And I thank him and his family to introducing me to an English Christmas.  I enjoyed meeting James’ mother, father, sisters, nephews etc.

When I started my professional career and was single, Christmas was an opportunity to simply be.  To take time out and reflect on the year that had come to an end.  And to think of the year to come.  It was also a time to read books, watch movies and go spend time with friends and family.  I do not remember ever being focussed on buying stuff or receiving stuff.

When I got married into the French and started family, Christmas became a day spent driving to the centre of France.  And once there is became an opportunity to eat fine food and drink fine wine.  Sit at the table, for what seemed like an eternity, and now and then catch flakes of conversation.  And of course about giving and receiving gifts.  Firstly, this  occurred as strange and then it became normal.  Yet somehow it did not seem that Christmas belonged to me: it no longer occurred as an opportunity to be me, to reflect, to be thankful, to choose – it occurred as a duty.

How does Christmas occur to you?  Is it something that you have simply fallen into?  Like I have?

I have been rethinking Christmas.  How about making Christmas a time where I/we:

  • think about each and every person that has made a contribution to our life and experience that contribution and write to and/or call each of these people and thank them for their contribution – what they did, what difference it made in practical terms and how it made / makes you feel;
  • remember and acknowledge all the people  we have criticised, we have excluded, we have trespassed against and then say sorry – by writing or by picking up the phone – and asking what it will take to put the past in the past, to get forgiveness;
  • get present to all the grudges we hold against specific people and then get off our high horse and forgive the imagined or real trespass ideally by calling the other person sharing the grudge and having chosen to forgive – to put the past in the past;
  • take the time to get present to all the millions of people around the world that are not as fortunate as we are and then taking some action even if that is to be grateful for all that we have, that we take for granted;
  • to make a dent – even a small one – in the life of even one human being that we know is suffering, who can do with being seen through kind eyes, listened to with kind ears, lifted up with kind words of worth and validation, and touched by soothing hands; and
  • where we acknowledge ourselves as human beings who strive to do good, to make a contribution, to create a good world for ourselves and our children (whether born, or unborn) and accept that despite our best intentions we fail from time to time and yet what counts is that we pick ourselves off the floor and continue to make good on our commitment to be good and do good.

To put is simply, in the rich western world.  Most people need acceptance and validation – just as they are and are not – then they need presents.   Most people need good honest conversations where they can speak freely without judgement then they do presents. Most people need a heartfelt hug more than they need presents.  And yes, some need a helping heart who will give some of the necessities of life.  If you are looking for inspiration then I recommend watching The Blind Side (the movie starring Sandra Bullock).

 

On exercising the best of our humanity: hospitality toward strangers


I am a ‘softy’ and I am proud to be a ‘softy’ nowadays – this was not always the case!  I cry (sometimes buckets) when I watch a movie (e.g. Gandhi, Schindlers List) that shows the best of our humanity in action.  I cry when I read a story where someone has put their humanity into action (e.g. Three Cups of Tea).  I cry when I listen to someone who shares an inspiring story with passion.

Just now I found my humanity touched.  I found myself inspired and I found myself with tears of joy running down my face.  What brought that on?  I invite you to experience it for yourself.  Watch this TED talk by William Ury: The walk from Yes to No

I believe that most of us are good people – loving and caring human beings.  Most of us really do not want to create conflict or be immersed in conflict.  Yet it happens we find ourselves in the midst of conflict before we know it.  This talk provides a simple but not simplistic path  that we can all follow.  It may even inspire many of us to be hospitable to strangers and not just our close friends and family.

I love the bit about walking together – side by side.  How true it is that when I walk with a fellow human being I do not feel threatened, I even look forward to the experience.

People are more important than things, than religion, than politics, than any ideology


A little while ago I wrote a post People Are More Important Than Things

Since that post I have done some thinking and it strikes me that there is a whole area of stuff that I am attached to, you are attached to, we are attached to and it is not things.  What is that stuff?  Ideology, here is the definition:

ideology refers to habits of mind – beliefs, assumptions, expectations etc – which are placed upon the world in order to give it structure and meaning and which then serve to direct our social and political activities.

This week I read an article on the Guardian:  Repeal Pakistan’s Blasphemy Law and asked myself what is it about us that we place so little value on flesh and blood like us – our fellow human beings – and so much faith in the intangible.  So much that we are willing to kill people if they utter the wrong words. Is our faith so little that as soon as someone questions our beliefs, our practices then seek to silence them, to belittle them, even to kill them.

Or take this post at the Adaptive Path blog: The Pernicious Effects of Advertising and Marketing Agencies Trying to Deliver User Experience Design.  What is particularly noteworthy is the 87 comments or so that this post has generated.  How interesting that so many of them are either attack or defend the point of view that has been put forward.  It is particularly interesting to see the response of the people who feel they have been attacked – they attack back.  Yet, if you read the article, the author is not attacking any specific person.  He is pointing out the system structure that drives specific sets of behaviour.  And it is clear that he disagrees with that behaviour.

What a wonderful world we can create together if we all made the following rule, the primary rule, the golden rule:  Life (people, animals, plants) is more important than things, religions, politics, caste-systems or any other ideologies. Lets cherish each other: lets see, create and bring into being the best in each other.  Please watch this from 4 minute video where  Viktor Frankl (a concentration camp survivor) shares his view of man.  Please listen and really hear what he says!

“If we take man as he really is then we make him worse.
If we overestimate him……overrate man, then we promote him to what he really can be.
So we have to be optimists idealists in way so we wind up as the true realists”

This post is directly aimed at you, my friend, Maz Iqbal!

Each one is doing the best that he/she can at every possible moment


In ordinary – taken for granted every day living – we assume that each of us is in charge of our lives: what I think, what I say, what I do, what I do not say, what I do not do…

In ordinary living we tend to be light on ourselves and heavy on others.  We judge our behaviour and the outcomes we generate by our intentions.  Yet we do not give others the same benefit: we judge them solely by the outcomes they generate.  We let ourselves off the hook and cast stones at others – through our thinking, through our words and through our actions.

Some of us do not differentiate: we are equally harsh on ourselves as we are on others. Some of us are masters of another game: condemning, criticising, blaming others and later spending time feeling guilty and being withdrawn: our loved ones pay the price twice – first when we criticise them and attach their human dignity and second when we withdraw from them rather than put balm on their wounds – the wounds we inflicted.

Over the last few weeks, here and there I have been  at my worst.  I verbally attacked one of my sons and later forgive myself as I was not feeling well. Yet, I have not rested as I know that there is no excuse for what I did.  I did what I did because I was imposing my view of the world on the situation at hand and my son’s role in that situation.  He just wasn’t playing the role that I expected him to play.  And he was wasting my time.  There it is: my time is valuable and how dare he waste my time!

The ExtraOrdinary path is right here in front of me, of you, of us.  It simply involves changing our worldview, living into the following:

  • Each of us is being run 24/7 by our operating system – the operating system that we have inherited through our genes, our culture, our environment, our upbringing;
  • Each of us is doing the best that it is capable of doing at every moment;
  • Each of us  is best able to develop and modify the operating system that runs us through mindfulness (meditation, time out, reflection) and through connection with our fellow human beings;
  • Our fellow human beings can best help us to upgrade our operating system by being strictly gentle with us – consistently sharing with us in a gentle manner the impact of our actions on their lives

“People are more important than things!”


Over the last two days we have been blessed by the company of our good friend Analia and her beautiful daughter Clara. 

Analia comes from Brazil where people, relationships, family and friends really matter.  They are an ingrained part of life: non-one has to teach Brazilian social skills.  Analia is one of the most wonderful human beings that I have a good fortune to know.

When I am with Analia I feel totally comfortable.  No pretense!  None is necessary as I know that she loves me – she accepts me just as I am whilst listening to me as a  person up for being a good human being.  Straight talk flow between us.  Why?  Because all the stuff that gets in the way of straight talk is simply not there.

Over the years I have wondered why I love Analia, why I feel totally comfortable in her company and in her home with her family.  Today I got my answer.  As she was leaving she asked Clara (her daughter) to “give uncle Maz a hug and say thank you”.  Clara is only a little girl and she was understandably more concerned with finding a missing Lego piece from the set she had built.  So Analia asked her again and Clara continued to look for her missing Lego piece.  Then Analia said something that struck at the heart of my soul:

“Clara, people are more important than things!”

Yes, Analia you are absolutely right.  Yet, we, in the west, have put things first and people last.  They way we live things are more important than people.  And that is a terrible way to live.

I thank you my wonderful friend to getting me present to your philosophy, what makes you great.  You live your truth: People are more powerful than things!

My commitment is to live your truth.  Thank you for your gift.

A reverence for life and living


It strikes me that the better off we are the more we are without a reverence for life;  to treat something or someone with reverence is to treat that something or someone with a feeling or attitude of deep respect.

I am rushing, you are rushing, we are rushing from one moment to the next.  Do we really appreciate the coffee we have just bought from Starbucks?  Do you even taste it?  I mean really taste it?  I got present to the fact that whilst I drink tea, I really do not drink the tea: my mind is elsewhere and I do not taste the tea nor create any joy in drinking it.

Do you and I have a reverence for the clean water that arrives instantly via the tap?  No.  Now imagine if you are one the flood victims in Pakistan and do not have access to clean water.  Or if you have to walk an hour to the nearest source of clean water and you can only take the water that you can carry.  If you were in that situation and someone waved a magic wand and gave you unlimited clean water at your fingertips by just turning a tap.  Would you not be simply ecstatic?  You’d treat that tap, that water source, with reverence!

In the West most of us live in abundance. Because so much stuff is ready at hand – the essentials and the nice to have – we simply do not appreciate the stuff that we have.  It strikes me that we have reverence only for the stuff that is rare, hard to obtain. And of course we surrounded by messages that are designed to create dissatisfaction in us so that we buy the latest mobile phone, handbag, shoes, computer, car…..

I have found it is possible to recreate reverence for life and living by simply being present in the moment.  And focusing on what is there as opposed to what is not.  That is to say to feeling the sunshine on my face as the sun shines.  By appreciating the wind kissing my feet as I lay on the bench.  Or tasting each and every sip of tea that I take.  It is not easy as the temptation is to multi-task, to be either in the future or in the past.

We can increase our joy simply by being present to every moment, every experience and every bit of stuff that we have.  I have found that treating each as if it is my last really helps.  My last meal, my last walk, my last cup of tea, my last hug.

Behind our indifference lies deep caring


Yesterday my young daughter and I cooked a meal together; she is keen to learn cooking by doing cooking.  Then we all sat down at the table to eat together – something we do every meal.  As we were eating my sons said they liked the food and thanked us for cooking it.  Then I made the mistake of saying “As you eat this meal think of the millions of people like you, like us, who are starving”.

My youngest son said that he didn’t like me mentioning the poor, the starving, when we are eating as it makes him upset.  And he cannot then enjoy his food.  My wife said pretty much the same thing.  Whilst I was at first very upset about this as I considered their viewpoint I selfish one, I am now grateful to them as they have opened my eyes.

There is tremendous violence, oppression, destruction, poverty and suffering going on around the world.  Even here in the UK there are people who do not have enough money to feed themselves and their children, so some of them go without to feed their children; there are young women tricked into coming over to the UK and then forced to work as prostitutes and the list goes on….And most of us, for most of the time, close our eyes.  Why?

Not because we do not care.  It is precisely because we care AND we believe ourselves to be helpless to make any impact on this ocean of suffering that we close our eyes, we close our ears, we close our hearts.  Some of us go as far as being hostile to / critical of those that suffer: if they are suffering then they must be responsible.  Why do we do this?  By living into this view we can distance ourselves from the pain – our pain.

I care, you care, we care: if we did not then it would make no difference if we invited in the suffering into our lives.  And yet we feel helpless so what can we do?  This reminds me of the story about a fellow walking along the beach littered with thousands of starfish.  He notices a young woman on the beach who is doing some kind of yoga exercise.  As he draws near he realises that she bends down, picks up a starfish and then throws the starfish into the ocean. And again, and again…

The man laughs.  He walks up to the young woman and tells her that the whole beach is covered with starfish.  She cannot possibly save them all: she is not in a position to make any difference at all.  The young woman picks up another starfish and whilst throwing “it” (a horrible world for any living creature) into the ocean says: “I made a difference to that starfish.”

The lesson is clear for those of us who are ready to step into the lesson.  We can act according to our ability.  We can simply be aware of and present to the violence, destruction, suffering that is going on all around us.  It may not help others and it certainly will help us: we can become more grateful for our circumstances – our life of plenty.

On gentleness, precision and letting go: delivers results on the tennis court


Whilst reading Pema Chodron’s The Wisdom of No Escape I came across the concepts of Gentleness, Precision and Letting Go.  And I have sought to absorb these concepts into daily living.

When I normally play tennis I automatically hit or strive to hit the ball as hard as I can and still get it into the court.  Also I strive to win every single shot.  The result – whether I win or lose – is that I tend to be critical of myself during the game and exhausted at the end of it.

Today on the court I focussed on the tennis ball.  In particular playing the ball with Gentleness and Precision.  And Letting Go of any ambition to have the ball move at a certain speed or the desire to win the point.  I noticed that I was not at all tired, that I enjoyed the game, that the shots that I would typically find difficult simply played themselves.  And I was totally relaxed all through the game and at the end of it. The whole game had been ‘effortless effort’.

So that got me thinking what would be possible for me, for you, for all of us if we lived our lives with Gentleness (towards ourselves and others), Precision and Letting Go of the need to have life work out exactly the way that we want and need to have it work out.  Is it possibly that we could then allow ease and joy enter our lives?

How to deal with upset


I am a member of family that is made up of five people; I am a father and a husband; my wife and children look to me to help them deal with their upset; to-date my contribution has been hit and miss.  I also enjoy coaching and thus get an opportunity to help people deal more effectively with their stuff.

In the past I listened for and about the situation and then went on to have a ‘lets think about this differently’ and ‘what are your options’ conversation.  It is the kind of conversation that happens in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).  It is the kind of conversation that appeals to the part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex – the reasoning part of the brain.

The other day, I was listening to someone sharing their upset with me.  I was able to help this person deal with the upset and move forward.  Afterwards I took a look at why this encounter had been so positive.  I got that I had approached it very differently to other times.  Specifically:

  1. I was in a good state of mind-body – I was relaxed, calm, present and actually wanted to listen and be of service;
  2. I listened, allowed and focussed on the upset itself, specifically the emotions – “If I understand you correctly then you are feeling this way and this is having this impact on your body…..” – and thus enabled the upset person to get to grips with the emotions and the impact they were having;
  3. I validated the upset persons emotions and the story that he/she was telling – “I get that you feel this way and it is ok to feel that way” – and by doing this the upset person became visibly less emotional and more rational;
  4. When I sensed that the tide of emotions had passed through I moved the conversation to talking about the ‘real world situation’ that was the ’cause’ of the upset – “Is now a good time to have a look at the situation that has led you to this upset?”;
  5. I then worked with the upset person to explore the ‘real world situation’ that they were finding difficult: what is so, how can you look at this differently, what are your options, which option appeals to you and is likely to make a big enough difference?

What I distinguished is that it is impossible for a person to put their thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) into action when that person has been hijacked by their emotional (limbic) brain. And that is as true for me (the listener, the coach) as it is by the person who is upset.

The approach that I have outlined is effective and not quick – it takes time, around forty-five minutes.

Why can’t ‘I’ see and act on what is so obvious to others


Despite being ill – we think it is the flu – my wife made her way to the nearest John Lewis store yesterday.  After parking she had to carry a large, heavy cardboard box containing a Dyson vacuum cleaner through the John Lewis store, make her case and get a refund.  The task was not yet finished. She then drove over to Costco and bought her chosen replacement and drove back home.  All in all she spent some four hours doing this – whilst being quite ill.

That is not all the effort that went into it.  She had spent several hours on Friday evening working out what Dyson vacuum cleaner would make a suitable replacement.  This task was tedious and done whilst she was ill – she did not enjoy doing it.

To summarise: my wife has spent some six hours replacing her recently purchased Dyson and the new one is sitting in our hallway (unpacked).  And she has done all this whilst she is ill with the flu.

Let me provide you with some context to make sense of the story that I telling.  We have on old Dyson that worked well for several years.  Our decision to replace it was not because it did not work, it was because it had become difficult to use and store as a bit of it – a plastic bit – had broken.  That prompted by wife to take action and buy a new one from John Lewis in the first week of September.  When she unpacked it my eldest son pointed out a glaring weakness of this new model:  the plastic bit that had made the old model difficult to use was looking even more flimsy on the new model.  So he shared his view with his mother and advised her to take it back and get a different model – one that can better take the knocks of life. My wife dismissed his concerns.  On that day or several days later, I made the same observation and advised my wife to take it back: “It is going to break that is clear.  What is uncertain is when.  I suspect that it will be earlier rather than later so I suggest you take it back.”  Or words to that effect. My wife acknowledged that the plastic clip on part did indeed look weak.  And she did nothing.

Now this is what I find interesting.  At least three of us told my wife that the product had a design flaw; she acknowledged that the clip on part that had failed in the old Dyson looked even weaker on the new Dyson; and she did nothing.  In the end she was forced to act because the part we expected to fail broke in less than four weeks; the dyson is normally used once or twice a week.  Why did she ignore what was visible, predictable and had been predicted?

At a broader level why is it that ‘I’ fail to see and act on what is so blindingly obvious?  I suspect that the answer is along the lines of:

I would have to take action – expend energy in dealing with the situation at hand and I may not want to do that right now; and

The story I make about the action that is needed – how much effort it will take, how difficult / unpleasant it will be etc; and

I’d have to acknowledge that I had made a mistake and that causes me emotional upset as I question my judgement, I question my fitness, I am diminished in my own eyes – the story I make about myself.

In my experience it is stories that I make – story about what needs to be done  AND the stories that I make about myself – that stop me doing what we know needs to be done.  So the access to doing what needs to be done is simple – give up the stories or better still make up stories that inspire me to take action.

The joy of being on the court


Today my wife and I made our way to the tennis court.  After warming up we found that the tennis played us.  Yes, the tennis played us and we both loved it.  There were lots of rallies, lots of smiling, laughter and in my case joy.

Here are the insights that came to me:

a) By simply focussing on the tennis ball, the tennis just happened effortlessly;

b) Whilst I was focussing on the ball my internal chatter stopped and I lost myself = therefore, “I” = internal chatter;

c) A big part of my energy, enthusiasm for life and self expression is playing racket sports and tennis is the sport that leaves me nourished;

d) I simply have not been giving me – the player – the opportunity to play and the cost has been giving up access to joy;

e) On the court I felt at least 10 years younger, put differently the tennis took ten years off my age!

So I am counting on myself to play tennis, badminton and/or table-tennis every week. And it is a great opportunity to get closer to my children and wife!

What did you enjoy about your day?


Clea

I was playing the game of Three Questions & Three Answers with my daughter Clea.  When I asked the first question, Clea said something interesting: “Daddy can you ask me a different type of question?  Like what three things did you enjoy about your day today?”.  Fantastic!

What I got from this is that a key part of living well is to enjoy life.  To enjoy walking, to enjoy talking, to enjoy being with our friends, to enjoy seeing the beauty around us, to enjoy listening to friends, to enjoy touching, to enjoy feeling and so forth.

So whilst it is important to be grateful for what we have, to contribute to a better world for all, to learn about ourselves and our world, to consciously focus on what we can be proud of about ourselves, it is also important to approach life with an attitude of enjoying life and living.

Thank you Clea for enabling me to get present to the wonders of living and the importance of enjoying life.  You have shown me a blind spot that is very much a part of Eastern upbringing:  the foregrounding of duty and the backgrounding of enjoying life.

And I will be expanding the game of Three Questions & Answers to include the question: What Three Things Did You Enjoy About Your Day Today?

This post is related to the following posts:

The Game of Three Questions & Answers

The Resistance to Playing the Game of Three Questions & Answers

On violence in day to day living


For a long time I have thought of myself as a peaceful fellow.  I arrived at this conclusion on the basis that I have not and do not seek to inflict physical pain on any living being – human or animal.  Two days ago, I changed my view.

Two days ago I was hit with a sudden insight: violence is more than hitting and killing, it arises in many flavours.  Whilst one of these flavours is obvious and gets most of the attention, the really important flavours escape unnoticed by many of us:

1) Hitting, maiming, torturing and killing;

2) Shouting;

3) Criticising;

4) Labeling – in a way that robs the other of self esteem, self confidence, of dignity;

5) Ignoring;

6) Excluding;

7) Not allowing the other ‘voice’ – to speak or to be heard;

8) Imposing one’s view of the situation, of the world, on another;

9) Failing to acknowledge what is worthy in the other.

Of these sins of violence the one that is most important – for me – is  number 9:  imposing one’s view of the situation, of the world, on another.  Even though I recognised this several days ago, I have found myself doing this again and again – it is simply natural to me and it runs me.

So what have I learnt?  I am automatically violent and I do not see this violence as violence  – it is just standing my ground, standing up for what I believe, correcting/help others to live a better life or simply not to make mistakes……..

What am I doing about being non-violent? Three practices come to mind:

a) Whole, complete, perfect;

b) Treat others as I’d wish to be treated – respect, caring, love;

c) Give up something especially my point of view.

The Game of Three Questions and Three Answers


About an half an hour ago I was spending a little quality time – some ten minutes – with each of my three children before they go to sleep. It is ritual that I started a long time ago and which each of the children value. Normally, I will tell them I love them and I will ask them about their day. Today, the Game of Three Questions and Three Answers was created. I want to share that game with you.

As I was about to say goodnight to my daughter the Game of Three Questions and Answers arose in my mind. So I asked my daughter if she wanted to play this game. She agreed. So I asked her the first question: What three aspects of yourself are you proud of? The answers I got were great. And yet they were answers to another question: What three aspects of your life can you be grateful for? So the Game of Three Questions and Three Answers became:

Q1: What three aspects of your life can you be grateful for?
Q2: What three aspects of yourself can you be proud of?
Q3: What three actions did you take to create a better world?
Q4: What three things did you learn about yourself, people around you and the world?

Whilst I was asking these questions and listening to the answers, I was struck by the thought that I should be asking myself these questions and providing answers – at the end of each and every day.

As I write this, I cannot help thinking and feeling that we can benefit from playing the Game of Three Questions and Three Answers with ourselves and the people closest to us.