Existential Conversations For Playing Big
"There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." Nelson Mandela
“There is too much anger, and distrust, and fear out there. I’d like the world to be a better place..” Thomas Weller
Sometimes one person who takes action is more inspiring than thousands of sermons or a library of books. With that in mind I wish to share this short video with you.
When you and I came forth from this world we came forth naked. Totally naked: without any and all labels. No name, no gender, no nationality, no religion, no politics…
So how did you and I end up with such a strong identity? An identity that grips us. An identity that permeates us. More accurately, identity that is us. It simply happened didn’t it as we travelled through the years with people, from one place to another? Would it be correct to say that the foundations of my identity, your identity, our identity was solidly in place before you and I were in a place to choose, to discriminate, to accept or decline the garments of identity thrust upon us by our parents, family, caregivers?
I ask you to take a good look at the core of your identity? What do you see? Do you see ‘man’, ‘woman’, ‘American’, ‘Brit’, ‘christian’, ‘muslim’, ‘atheist’, ‘painter’, ‘mom’, ‘CEO’, ‘marketer’….? Please go and look beyond that. What do you see?
If you look deep enough and have the courage to see, to listen, I say that you are most likely to find that the core of your identity is that of ‘being defective’. Is that not our common humanity at the most fundamental level? You and I see ourselves as ‘defective’, as ‘not good enough’, as ‘something is wrong about me’. Right? I get that my version of defective may be that ‘I am not good looking’ and that ‘my body is weak’ and that ‘stupid’. Your identity might be that you are ‘too tall’, ‘too fat’, ‘too shy’, ‘not considerate enough’, ‘poor’… Do you notice that the details differ and the bigger game is the same between us? I am defective: I am not whole, I am not complete, I am not perfect.
You and I were born without identity, born naked of all labels, born naked full stop. Naked! So how did you go from no identity, and the lightness and freedom that goes with that, to carrying the huge burden that goes with operating from the stance ‘I am not whole, not complete, not perfect’? We were programmed. Why? So that we would fit in with the existing order. So that we would better comply with the wishes of those more powerful than us. Right?
How is it working out? Put differently, what is the experience of my life, your life, lived from the context of ‘not whole, not complete, not perfect’? It is that of looking for all kinds of way to be whole, be complete, be perfect. That is what all the self-help books are about, right? That is what all the status brands and conspicuous consumption is about, right? That is what all the pre tense of being perfect and having a perfect life is all about, right?
I say to me, to you, to us, what fools we are! We can simply give up the game. We can give it up right now, just like that. How exactly? Notice, that we were born naked, without labels, without identity. Notice, that identity is a choice. You and I can choose to live from another identity, another context. Which one? Where I declare myself as ‘whole-complete-perfect’, and you declare yourself as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Let’s not stop there. Let’s declare all of our fellow human beings ‘whole-complete-perfect’.
Imagine how life would show up if you and I did declare ourselves as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Imagine how life would be if you and I declared each and every human being as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Not as a truth but as an identity that we give ourselves. And as a stand from which we show up and operate from this world. When we relate to ourselves and our fellow human beings as ‘whole-complete-perfect’ a totally new dimension of conversation and action shows up for us; you, me, everyone. We stop being small! We are free to be BIG: to give wings to our dreams, to act on the world, to co-create a world that works, a world that is wonderful for us all.
Given that we come forth naked of identity, why is it that we have not been conditioned to believe and operate from stand-identity of being at our most fundamental level ‘whole-complete-perfect’? If we had been conditioned that way, we would operate as ‘gods’ right? What if those that condition don’t want ‘gods’ and instead want ‘slaves’ who do not know that they are enslaved? Then giving us the identity of being ‘defective and weak’ would make perfect sense. So I say choose: slave or god.
Still convinced that you know yourself? Still convinced that you are defective, small, weak, and powerless? I invite you to watch the following video:
We are given to search for recipes, formulas, instructions, and methods. And there is a place for recipes and formulas. If I am new to baking a cake then having a recipe at hand makes a difference. If I need to get from A to B then the GPS will provide me with the step by step instructions to get from A to B, most of the time.
When it comes to life itself recipes, formulas, instructions and methods don’t work that well. At best they are hit and miss. I am not you, you are not me. And neither you nor I can step into the same river twice: we are not the same, the river is not the same. What works for me may not work for you. What occurs as being a good fit for me may not be a good fit for you. What leaves me inspired may not leave you inspired.
When it comes to living an authentic life, or living powerfully, or living an ‘extraordinary’ life questions are the access. With the context set, I invite you to listen to Arnold Schwarznegger. Why? Because, he puts forth one of the most powerful questions for inventing a life, an authentic life, a life that matters, a transformed life. This video is only 3-4 minutes and is packed with wisdom.
A lot of pain has been present in my living over this last week. So much physical pain that I have done little even though I had plans to do a lot. Truthfully, I have been much less than I aspire to be. I found myself distant from my family. I have found myself being snappy with one of my son’s. I found myself just wanting to be left alone to deal with my pain. And when it got too hard I took the easy way out: I took muscle relaxants which eased the pain and knocked me out.
And in this very week, what shows up in my world? Inspiration. Heart touching-moving inspiration from two sources. The first is from “the happiest man in the world”. And the second is from 12 year old Jessie Joy Rees.
I find myself watching this man, listening to him and being captivated. Captivated by what? His stance in life. The way he shows up in life. The way he counts his blessing. His philosophy of life. His wisdom. I am clear that he gets it. And as such I am delighted that I have come across him.
What can I say? I find myself watching this video and there are tears running down my cheeks. I am inspired to ask this question:
How can I help them?
I have a question for you: how can I help you? Please think about it and let me know.
Ordinary question generate ordinary living: an ordinary way of being and showing up in life.
Extraordinary questions stop us in our tracks, bring us out of our hypnotic state of everydayness, and provide a window to possibility and transformation. The access to possibility and transformation is always questions: questions that rock us, shake us, tremble us.
If you are up for living a transformed life here are the questions to be with – totally and wholeheartedly:
1. Who am I?
2. Who am I for myself?
3. Who would I be if I lost my memory and had no past?
4. If I had no memory, who would I chose to be?
5. What calls to me when I am silent and courageous?
6. Who would I chose to be if I knew with absolute certainty that I am whole-complete-perfect?
I am the being of a father. I choose to be the being of a father. As such concerns show up when it comes to all of the children. And I notice, in particular as regards daughter, Clea. Why?
She is at that age, 12 years old, where there is the change in biology occurring. And at the same time she is acted upon by strong social forces. The kind of social forces that make, bend, break us.
So it was with delight that I read the following piece. A piece written by daughter where she asks a powerful question – perhaps the most powerful question of all.
Reflections
A chair small. I guess it’s how others interpret it cause in the reflection of the chair it’s tall and big. A bit like humans.
Humans. There is what we are. And there is our reflection, how other people see us.
But let me ask you this, which one is more important? In our days everyone cares about their reflection: how other people see them.
But is it useful just having/being a reflection? I mean is it useful having a reflection of a chair? I think it is more useful just having the chair, the real chair.
Humans, it is more useful to have/be the real you than your reflection because your reflection is worth nothing to you.
So today ask yourself this question “To be me or to be my reflection?”
The other day the four of us went to watch a movie: The Impossible. The film makers say it the true story of a family of five that were caught up in the 2004 tsunami that hit Thailand, Indonesia, Sri Lanka and 12 other countries. And killed some 230,000 people.
I was gripped by the move from start to finish. What gripped me in particular was the being of the mother Maria:
– Her absolute love for her son Lucas. And her willingness to do whatever it took to ensure his survival.
– Her humanity in the most dire of circumstances that save a young life, that of Daniel and which ultimately ended with Daniel being reunited with his father; and
– How she inspired her son Lucas to let go of his fear and call forth his humanity – to save Daniel, to help others in need, to be useful when so many were in pain.
I was also touched by the humanity of many others. People who in the most desperate circumstances put their humanity in action: shared what they had to share, put themselves out to save lives.
If you have not seen it then I encourage you to go and see The Impossible. If you do choose to go and see it then please think carefully before you take any non-adults to see this movie. It is not for the faint-hearted. And it is one of the very best movies I have seen.
Ultimately, it is movie of possibility, of transformation and of leadership.
There is no escaping loss, given time it finds us – each and every one of us. Some lose their favourite toys. Some lose pets. Some lose hopes and dreams. Some lose lovers. Some lose siblings. Some lose parents. Some lose friends. Some lose jobs. Some lose homes. Some lose all of their wealth. Some lose their reputation and status. Some lose their limbs. And then there are those of us who lose their ‘world’.
Recently, pregnant sister-in-law lost her baby. A miscarriage after three months. Complete surprise. Covered in blood. Dream shattered. Pain. Tears. Brother’s delight turns to sorrow. How to be with his sorrow and be there for his wife? It is hard – never faced this loss before.
When loss shows up in our house of being it is easier to bear if our family and friends are there for us: there by our sides, providing a listening for our sorrow, and sharing our grief. Thankfully, family and friends showed up for sister-in-law.
When loss shows up in our house of being you/I are confronted with choice. What choice? The choice about story: the story you/I make about the loss. This is a choice that matters. The story that you/I make determines our being: how you/I show up in the world.
Sister-in-law made a wise choice. She chose a story that allows her to make sense of her loss, be with her loss, and be free of her loss. Put differently, she choose a story that leaves her being powerful in life and not showing up as a ‘victim’. What story did she make? The story goes like this.
a) The human body, my body, is wise. If it chose to ‘miscarry’ then this was the right course of action for the baby and for me. Most likely there was something wrong with the baby and its development. And if the baby had been born then there would have been suffering for the baby. And for me. And her father.
b) I am blessed in that I already have a young daughter. She is healthy. She is beautiful. She is growing up nicely. We have a great relationship.
c) If I can make one baby successfully then I can make another. So I look into the future and I live into the possibility that there will be another healthy baby – sooner or later. When the time is right the baby will show up. Now let’s be with life just as it is and just as it is not. Let me count my blessings.
I find myself inspired by the wisdom of sister-in-law. I find myself inspired by the wisdom of brother who has adopted the same story. And this story can be a source of inspiration to me when I am faced with loss.
Right now I am confronted with choice and the choice concerns work. It is not an easy choice. Why? I am confronted with what is so: to live is always to live at risk. And the machinery that goes with being human goes all out to eliminate risk. It wants to live forever, safely.
Getting past that, I find another challenge confronts me. To go forward as a single person – as opposed to a team – I must focus. What is it that I can do well by myself which creates value for my fellow human beings and will enable me to earn a living? That means giving stuff up. And what I notice is that the human machinery that runs me does not like that one little bit. It wants to be able to do this and that as it enjoys doing lots of things. Put differently, it does not want to sacrifice: it wants to keep all options open, to have its fingers in all the pies.
Yet, as a strategist I know that I must focus. And to focus, I must choose. And to choose is to choose one possibility and thus simultaneously given up the other possibilities that are on the table.
In the course of my struggle, I came across this quote wish has given me a helping hand. And I wish to share it with you.
“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.”
One of my sons recently returned from Christmas in France. During Christmas he saw a beggar, he was touched by the plight of the beggar, stooped down and gave him money. His friends told him not to do that. They told him that the beggar was merely lazy and should get a job. This is not how the situation showed up for my son. How did it show up for him? Life can be hard sometimes. Nobody chooses to be dirty, out in the cold, homeless and begging. And the obligation of one human being to another is for the standing up to help the one that is on the floor.
Reflecting on this it occurred to him that whilst he likes the subjects he is studying for his A levels they do not call to him. What calls to him? To help the homeless: to provide them with a home, to clothe them, to feed them, to provide education and training, to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence, to provide the foundation with which to rebuild their lives. Listening to his speaking I was touched-moved-inspired and in large part that was because I got that this really called to him, the he himself is touched-moved-inspired.
Then my son shared his worry. What is the worry? Money. “How am I going to do this? Where am I going to get the money from to help the homeless? Where am I going to get the money to look after myself?”
I got how it is that so many of us become wage slaves. It occurs to me that when you and I were young we had dreams like my son has right now. Some of us wanted to invent, others wanted to explore/adventure, others wanted to create/make stuff, others wanted to be of service to help others….. Confronted with the money question we put away these dreams and got busy with the practicalities of life. And little by little, one sacrifice at a team, we became wage slaves. Trapped: lifestyle, mortgage, school fees…..
What is a wage slave for me? For me a wage slave is a person who has no affinity for the work that he does. Importantly, he notices that the work is ‘killing him/her’ in some significant way and yet continues because of the money/rewards that go along with the job/work. Put differently, the work that the wage slave does and/or the environment in which he does that work does not nourish. On the contrary it is slow poison that kills that which is most human – the capacity to imagine possibilities, to pursue possibilities, to be a creator, an author of one’s life!
Is our project here on here on Earth simply do feed oneself, clothe oneself, shelter oneself? And when these needs have been secured to entertain oneself and/or drown our sorrows with the drug of our choice? If that is the case then the meaning/purpose I give to myself is merely to survive, to exist.
And if that is the case then a question presents itself “What for?” Put differently, why toil away as wage slaves merely to survive? To feed, clothe, shelter and encourage our children to be wage slaves? So that they can do they same for their children and so on? Isn’t this madness? It occurs as madness to me.
So what did I say to my son? I encouraged him to pursue this possibility the one that calls to him. I told him that to be human – uniquely human – is to step into, live from and pursue that which calls to us. I told him that he is fortunate that he is present to that which calls to him. I told him that this is gift, a gift that provides access to walking the path that gives meaning to one’s life. Yes, there will be difficulties. Yes, there will be pain. Yes, it involves sacrifice. And what kind of life do you want to live, one that is difficult yet meaningful or one that leaves you showing up as a wage slave?
I reminded him of the film that we had watched some time ago. Which film? Into the Wild. And I posed the question, “What is better for you, a long life of drudgery, of being a wage slave or the kind of life that Christopher McCandless (the subject of Into the Wild) lived?”
Finally, I asked the question that Alan Watts asks: “What if money was no object?” I encourage you, especially if you are young, to listen to the words/wisdom of Alan Watts. I encourage you not only to listen but to let this conversation be you. Here is the YouTube video:
And if you prefer reading then here is the transcript:
“What do you desire? What makes you itch? What sort of a situation would you like?
Let’s suppose, I do this often in vocational guidance of students, they come to me and say, well, we’re getting out of college and we have the faintest idea what we want to do. So I always ask the question, what would you like to do if money were no object? How would you really enjoy spending your life?
Well, it’s so amazing as a result of our kind of educational system, crowds of students say well, we’d like to be painters, we’d like to be poets, we’d like to be writers, but as everybody knows you can’t earn any money that way. Or another person says well, I’d like to live an out-of-doors life and ride horses. I said you want to teach in a riding school? Let’s go through with it. What do you want to do?
When we finally got down to something, which the individual says he really wants to do, I will say to him, you do that and forget the money, because, if you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid. Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way.
And after all, if you do really like what you’re doing, it doesn’t matter what it is, you can eventually turn it – you could eventually become a master of it. It’s the only way to become a master of something, to be really with it. And then you’ll be able to get a good fee for whatever it is. So don’t worry too much. That’s everybody is – somebody is interested in everything, anything you can be interested in, you will find others will. But it’s absolutely stupid to spend your time doing things you don’t like, in order to go on spending things you don’t like, doing things you don’t like and to teach our children to follow in the same track.
See what we are doing, is we’re bringing up children and educating to live the same sort of lives we are living. In order that they may justify themselves and find satisfaction in life by bringing up their children to bring up their children to do the same thing, so it’s all retch, and no vomit it never gets there. And so, therefore, it’s so important to consider this question, What do I desire?”
Listen to the mystics and it is being ‘not awake’ – not awake to the reality of existence. Listen to Martin Heidegger and it is ‘fallenness’ – fallenness into they ‘they’, the ‘anyone’, the crowd. Listen to psychology and it is habit.
I say our normal way of being in the world is to be on automatic pilot. A great illustration is driving a car. How many times have you driven from A to B and when you get there you cannot remember the journey?
I say our normal way of being in the world is to go about life as one (anyone) goes about life. That is to say we have fallen into/with the crowd. Which crowd? Our society. Our social class. Our tribe. So you/I go about life as one goes about life: you/I dress like one dresses; you/I eat like one eats; you/I walk like one walks; you/I hang out where one hangs out; you/I talk the way that one talks; you/I work they way one works; you/I entertain ourselves the way that one entertains himself; you/I form the relationships that one forms….
Put differently, our normal way of being is for our habits to have us, to be us. And where do these habits come from? From our society, tribe, social class. So in our normal way of being you/I are simply being/showing up as our society-tribe-social class. At one level this works great. It allows us to fit in with the rest, smooths social relationships, and allows us all to work together and accomplish more than we could accomplish on our own.
And there is price. The price is at two levels. At the society-tribe-social class level we are blind to that which we are blind. Put differently, we have no access to what we don’t know that we don’t know. At a personal level we do not own our lives. And by not owning our lives we do not get the sense of aliveness, of joy, of meaning/fulfilment that comes with being creators of our lives – being, pursuing, creating, bringing about that which matters to us. We settle instead for a life of drudgery.
So we are asleep. Habit owns us. We are the crowd – they anyone, the ‘average’. Which begs the question, for those of us interested in waking up, what is the access to waking up and owning our lives, to living as creators?
Breakdowns are those events and moments in our lives when our ordinary way of being in life – not awake, fallenness, habit having us – breaks down even if that is for a minute or two. In our ordinary way of being – being comfortable with habit, being on automatic pilot – you/I do not welcome breakdowns. No, we get upset, frustrated, annoyed, angry and even violent. My son and I experienced a mild breakdown when in the midst of watching a movie the electricity was cut-off. Another example of a breakdown could be the loss of our jobs, or a relationship with a loved one.
If you/I are up for playing BIG, living ‘extraordinary’ lives then we need to welcome and make the best use of breakdowns. Why? Because breakdowns provide an access to breakthroughs. When breakdowns occur we are given sight – without our wishes – to our state of being, our habits, our fallenness. And if we generate the courage and make the time to get present to the sight that shows up for us then we enable ourselves to make breakthroughs in our living. Put differently, breakdowns if embraced in the right manner enable us to transform our lives.
Want an example of what I am talking about? Let me share with you the story that has made many tears flow from my eyes and still bleeds my heart. Which story? India and the horrific gang rape by six men of a 23 year old physiotherapy student in Delhi. From what I read it occurs to me that this is not the only young woman that has been raped. It occurs to me that many women are raped. Just yesterday I was reading of a young woman, mother of two, who threw herself of a train to escape rape and is critically injured. Put differently, to be a woman in India is to be ‘one who is subjected to oppression, abuse and even rape’. That is and has been the default state of existence for a long time. And this default state has been in the background, invisible, not talked about.
For whatever reason the horrific rape of the 23 year old young woman, Jyoti, and her subsequent death has brought about a breakdown – at least for now – in the taken for granted way of ‘the way the world is in India’. This breakdown has allowed people in India and outside India sight of the ‘darker side of modern India’ – that side which is not at all modern nor civilised (in the western sense of the word). And for some, this has brought both shame and disgust. So that is the breakdown that has occurred in India, at least Delhi.
I am saddened at the rape and death of Jyoti. I am saddened with learning that a young mother of two is critically injured because she threw herself of the train to escape rape. And yet I see possibility/transformation amidst this sadness. What am I talking about? This breakdown in India – a suspension of the ordinary way of being and going about in the world – represents an opportunity to make a breakthrough. What breakthrough? A breakthrough in the lives of ordinary women in India – young or old. I can see a world where Indian women are not oppressed, not abused, not raped. Put differently, I see a world where it is not ok for one to oppress, abuse, rape.
What will it take for people in India to use this breakdown to create a breakthrough and thus transform the lives of the women in India? For enough people to be / show up / operate from the possibility that the women folk are free, are respected, are not abused, not oppressed, not raped. Put differently, for enough people to climb out of their state of falseness and own/live the possibility of ‘freedom, safety and respect for the women of India’.
To sum up: yes breakdowns are painful, few of us welcome them, and yet if embraced breakdowns offer us the ladder via which we can climb out of our state of fallenness and make breakthroughs in our lives and transform the experience of our living. Isn’t that true leadership – leading our own lives, owning our lives, being a stand for that which matters to us, being a source of contribution to our fellow human beings and life itself?
What is the access to transformation? Specifically, what is the access – for you and me – to transform the quality of our living? Put simply, it is shifting our being-in-the-world, and thus our showing up in the world, from impotent to potent. What do I mean? Let’s take a look at the definitions:
Adjective: unable to take effective action; helpless or powerless
Adjective: having a great power, influence or effect.
Synonyms: powerful – strong – forceful – intense
Let’s assume that you and I are up for transformation, up for shifting our being-in-the-world from impotent (the default) to potent. What is the access to making this shift? Willpower? No, this rarely works as many New Years resolutions show. Is it setting goals? No, this rarely works because goals tend to rely on the exercise of willpower. And willpower tends to fade. So what is a suitable access?
The access to making the shift is inventing and living from one or more possibilities that move-touch-inspire us. Which begs the question “What is a possibility?” A possibility is not a wish. Nor is it an intention. A possibility is not a goal, an outcome, an achievement. Nor is possibility a belief in that which is possible for a human being.
Still looking for a pointer as to what constitutes a ‘possibility’? Then let me share this quote from Nikos Kazantzakis (author of Zorba The Greek):
“By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.” Nikos Kazantzakis
And when he speaks of believing he is talking about the following kind of believing:
“A belief is not merely an idea that is thought, it is an idea in which one believes. And believing is not an operation of the intellectual mechanism, but a function of the living being as such, the function of guiding his conduct, his performance of his task.” Jose Ortega Y Gasset
A possibility gives meaning to one’s life and power to one’s being-in-the-world. As such it does more than provide one with a reason to get up in the morning. It provides one the access to transcend one’s psychology and push the limits of one’s biology as and when this is necessary. It calls forth one to be unreasonable when unreasonable is what it takes. In short, it the access to living a life that shows up as fulfilling. A life worth living.
Why do I write this blog as opposed to put my feet up, watch a move, hang out in a bar? Because I invented a possibility. What possibility? The possibility of playing BIG, living an ‘extraordinary’ life, of being a source of contribution to a ‘world that works, none excluded’. How about you? What possibility leaves you moved-touched-inspired to be and create that which does not exist today? What possibility are you up for inventing/living this year?
Please note, that all acts of leadership start with inventing a possibility that leaves one moved-touched-inspired to disclose and create that which does not exist today.
Have you ever tried to find and connect with your deeper self, your ‘authentic’ self? Have you ever wondered what kind of values that you should embody? Have you ever wondered what really matters to you? Have you ever wondered what kind of life you should lead, what kind of ‘projects’ you should engage in and pursue?
I have. And in the process I read a lot of self-help books with all the exercises including reflecting and finding experiences where I felt most alive, happy, joyous…. Yet, none of that really worked for me. Are you in the same boat?
If you want to bypass that and connect with your deeper self and get access to what really matters to you then I have a useful shortcut for you. Answer these two easy questions:
a) which people – real or fictional – are your heroes?
b) what is it, specifically, about each of these persons that makes them heroes for you?
Up to this week my heroes included: Gandhi, Jinnah, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, Maria Montessori, Joan of Arc, Albert Schweitzer, Oscar Schindler, The Prophet ‘Mohammed’, George Adamson, Tony Fitzjohn, and Monty Roberts.
This week, I have been deeply touched by the following people, who show up as heroes for me:
– Victoria Soto;
– Dawn Hochsprung;
– Mary Sherlach;
– Maryrose Kristopik;
– Kaitlin Roig;
– Abbey Clements;
– Yvonne Cech; and
– The Sandy Hook school janitor.
In a tragedy these people make me feel proud to be a member of the human race! These fellow human beings disclose for me the best of what we, human beings, have to offer as a species. What is that? They disclose that human being is not simply being-for-onself: the default view pushed by capitalism and modern society. No, they disclose that what is truly noble about human being is being-for-others: the willingness to put one’s life at risk for fellow human beings.
Out of this tragedy these men and women have disclosed the possibility of love, selflessness, courage and heroism. These values speak to me – they bring tears to my cheeks.
How to end this? I acknowledge the courage of each and everyone of the teachers and staff at the Sandy Hook school. I offer my condolences to each and every person who has lost a loved one. My heart and my eyes flow with tears – tears or sorrow for all those who have lost loved ones. And tears of gratitude for all those who put their lives at risk and saved lives.
I am proud to be a member of the human race. And with people such as Victoria Soto, Dawn Hochsprung and Mary Sherlach the human race if worth believing in and standing for.
Dearest Clea
On this day, your 12th birthday, I want you to know that love is present between you and me. I do not choose to love you; love simply flows when I am with you or when I think of you.
I want you to know that you show up in my world like sunshine: you illuminate my life, you brighten my life, you turn up and there is joy present and a spring in my footstep and in my soul.
I want you to know that you show up as simply amazing! I am amazed at how loving, how caring, how compassionate, how wise you are. And I have to pinch myself to get present to the fact that you are only 12 years old. Please know that I am so proud of you.
I want you to know that you can count on me to be here as both a stand for you to show up as great and make an awesome contribution to a ‘world that works, none excluded’. And you can count on me to be your safety net as you walk the tightropes in your life. I say that you can count on me no matter what. I say that you can share with me whatever you have to share with me no matter what. I say that you can count on me to love you no matter what.
Twelve years ago a surprise came into my life, the best surprise that has ever showed up in my life. You are that surprise. And I am so grateful that you exist and that it is my privilege to be a father unto you and have you show up as a daughter unto me.
Now please handover your iPod touch – you have been staying up late and today you did not get up on time and I had to wake you. You broke our agreement and I insist the price be paid. You can count on me to give it back to you after seven days. That is the way life works – there are always consequences, and they catch up with you sooner or later.
And finally, I thank you for the kindness that you have shown me and the joy that you have brought and continue to bring to my experience of living!
Your daddy (“Cuddly Bear”)
My mother loves me. She rings me if I do not call her. She asks about me and gently tells me off for not calling her and letting her know my family and I are. She asks about my work and how it is going. She wishes me a safe journey when I travel abroad and she asks how my trip was…
If I am ill and my mother finds out then she is on the phone asking me how I am doing. And what I am doing to take care of myself. She goes further and starts telling me what ‘medicine’ I should be taking – she is not a doctor. She can be very insistent on what I should be doing to take care of myself!
My mother is old. She is losing her memory. And she finds it hard to stand up, to walk, to go up/down the stairs. Yet, when I arrive at her home she gets up and starts fussing over me (if she is not out cold). She will get up to make me a tea. She will ‘run’ to the kitchen to cook me a meal. She will struggle up the stairs to make the spare bedroom so that it is just right for her eldest son
It is when I am visiting my mother that I lose it. Why? For two reasons. First, I end up getting angry that I am there to help her and yet I end up creating work for her – making her life harder. How/why? She will not let me help. You see I am a man and men simply should not do housework. Second, she is constantly telling me what to do – what to wear, what to eat, how much to eat, how to live my life….. And I end up saying “I am not a child, stop treating me like a child!”
Seeing her hurt I feel remorse and say to myself “Why can’t you keep your mouth shut!”. Yet, a part of me does say to me “She brought this on herself. How many times have I told her not to treat me like a child. Not to boss me around. And she never listens. She brought this on herself.”
What have I done? I have invalidated my mother and justified myself! Put differently, I am in the right (for making the effort to drive 4 hours to see her and help her out) and she is wrong (for not accepting my help and for treating me like a child).
I have been and am being really busy: thinking-formulating-writing a strategy for a client. The deadline for the strategy document and the presentation to the directors is fast approaching. Despite feeling the pressure I volunteered to drive my eldest son (17 years old) to the train station for the first day of his new job.
I notice it is cold. And I notice that he has no overcoat over his suit jacket. I think he has got to be cold. He gets into the car and turns the heating up to the max. I say to myself “Yes, he is cold”. So I suggest that he goes into the house, he refuses, telling me that he will do without the overcoat. I drive.
Whilst driving I find myself asking my son why he did not get an overcoat given that it is cold and clearly he is cold. He tells me that he does not know if there will be anywhere suitable to store it and he does not want to make a fuss on his first day. I assure him that employers expect employees to come in with overcoats in winter and there will be somewhere to store it. I say this calmly and occur to myself as loving/caring/helpful.
He loses it with me. He tells me to stop telling him what to do, how to live his life. He tells me that he prefers taking the bus rather than have me drive him to places because when we are together I boss him around, I tell him how to live his life.
I notice that hurt is present. I notice that anger is present. I catch myself saying “How ungrateful! I am simply looking out for him – making sure that he does the right things, avoids the wrong things so that his life works out.”
Suddenly a bolt of insight hits me. When my mother does what I do and I am in the role of son, I justify myself as the son and make her wrong as the mother. Yet, in my relationship with my son I invalidate my son in his role as son and I justify myself in my role as father.
Yes, it hits me that I am caught up in ‘justifying myself and invalidating others’ – my mother, my son. And it hits me that when I get hurt I take it personally and point the finger at my son. Yet, when I hurt my mother, I do not point the finger at myself. No, I point the finger at my mother and make her responsible for my behaviour and the hurt that it causes her!
How inauthentic! As the author of my life, I own how I show up in life, I own my interpretation and thus experience of my life. My son does what he does. He cannot cause me to do/feel/speak what I do/feel/speak – that belongs to me. My mother does what she does. She cannot cause me to do/feel/speak that which I do/feel/speak.
Be mindful. And grant others what we expect them to grant us.
If I expect my son to listen to me, to treat me respectfully, to use kind words, to show gratitude then surely I should call myself to be that kind of son to my mother! To do that you and I need to be present to the traps that are always there for us because they go with being human. The traps are ‘I am right, you are wrong’ and ‘justify self, invalidate others’.
And finally, it occurs to me that it is time for me to let my son simply be. To make his choices and live his choices. It occurs to me that being loving does not have to mean that I have to look out for and protect my son. It occurs to me that I can choose to manifest my love for my son as ‘trust in him’ to make his choices and handle the consequences of his choice. Put differently, I can simply be a stand for my son as a highly capable young man who can make choices and live with their consequences.
It occurs to me that this latter way of manifesting my love set us both free – free to own our lives: choices, consequences, responses, learning, growth…
And finally, is it possible that love is only love when it shows up / is experienced as love?
“Is it possible to be committed to a set of standards that have nothing to do with being fully alive? You’ve got standards rather than possibilities, and the standards are more important than life itself.” Werner Erhard
You and I bottle up, hide, forget and even kill our true self-expression. What is the impact? You/I do not experience the joy of being alive, truly alive, instead our life occurs (when we are honest with ourselves) as going through the motions. That is the impact on you and I. What about the impact on others – the people who come into contact with us?
To be a human being is to be in relationship – always. So our impact is that our lack of joy is experienced by those around us. And us going through the motions makes, even encourages, our fellow human beings to go through the motions. We encourage them to say to themselves “That is the way it is. Look everyone is going through the motions. Life is going through the motions. So I might as well settle for going through the motions.”
Why do we suppress/hide/kill our true self-expression. Because we have been born and raised in a set of standards, a set of practices. As a result, we have become and are committed to a set of standards. A key part of these standards is that those of us who speak in terms of possibilities are called dreamers and looked down upon. The dreamer is seen/spoken of as a child and childish. In short, we are committed to a set of standards that allow us to ‘look good, avoid looking bad’ rather than being a stand for possibilities that move-touch-inspire-uplift us.
With that context in mind, I share with you a recent email conversation that took place between myself and a fellow human being. My fellow human being reached out to me as follows (I have deleted anything that can identify my fellow human being):
“Maz,
I hope all is well – our paths never seem to cross…I have a question for you I hope you don’t mind me asking…
I follow your twitter and blogs, and for a new venture I am doing, I am supposed to be generating material (on IT subjects). The problem is I don’t ever start! Any tips on how to organise myself to produce material?
I’m probably not a natural marketeer, but I don’t think this is beyond me.
Here is what I wrote back. Please note that I have put some sections in bold to highlight/illustrate the key points around standard, possibilities and self-expression:
“Hello ….
Great to hear from you and thank you for the trust you have placed in me.
The honest answer is that both of the blogs that I write are forms of self-expression. For the majority of the time they show up like the opportunity to play tennis – something that I love to do. And they are now a core part of who I say I am in the world and what I am about – putting something into the world and being a source of contribution. As such they just flow.
So the key for me is to:
And on top of that I have set myself a target of writing a certain number of posts a week. As I have conditioned myself to keep my agreements over the years, this target setting encourages me to write even when it is hard going as it has been recently due to work and personal health issues.
I have found that I cannot write when the writing occurs as work. When I am being asked to push a point of view that is not mine, authentically. When I am being asked to write in a style that is not mine. Again, it comes to the fact that the writing flows.
Finally, it helps that I am interested in the world, use my experience, have and continue to read/explore widely. And I pay no attention to the rules of writing. And do not care if only one person reads what I write. The key is that I get value out of it and that at least one of my fellow human beings gets value out of that which I share through my writing.
Put differently when writing occurs as play it flows. When it occurs as work it does not flow, it takes ages, I don’t like what I have written!
I do hope that helps.
If you are ok to provide honest – brutally honest – feedback on my blogging then I ask that you help me out by doing so. Always want to know how my writing is landing for those who make the time to read it.
I thank for your the opportunity of this conversation.
At your service and with my love
maz”
“Is it possible to be committed to a set of standards that have nothing to do with being fully alive? You’ve got standards rather than possibilities, and the standards are more important than life itself.” Werner Erhard
Through the news I am aware of the destruction being reaped by Hurricane Sandy. Where there is destruction there tends to be hurt – people who are hurt and hurting.
We hurt. We hurt in the sense of experiencing physical pain like that of a twisted ankle. We hurt as in the sense of experiencing emotional pain when it occurs to us that we are looked down upon, excluded, lost a loved one…… We hurt, that is simply what is so and goes along with being human.
We do not like to hurt. I say our idea of the perfect life is life without hurt. So we go to great lengths to avoid being hurt: we want to survive AND not be hurt. We want to insulate ourselves from hurt. Furthermore, we do not see any value in being hurt – hurt shows up for us as purely negative.
Is hurt purely negative? Is that the way it has to be? Do we have any choice in the matter of how we act towards and use hurt? I say that we do. I say that there is another way to be with, and stand in relation to hurt.
I say that hurt can be the access to the possibility of humanity, of connection to our fellow human beings, and of contributing to a world that works. I got present to this possibility yesterday, let me recount what happened.
Yesterday, reluctantly, I told my eldest son that I would not be able to go with him (today) to see the latest Bond film that he was eagerly waiting to see with me. He got that I am ill and not in a position to go.
Later, my wife told me that this son of ours (17 years old) had agreed to accompany our youngest (daughter) on her ‘trick and treating’ rounds on Halloween (today). That showed up as shock for me as the two of them do not get along well. And my oldest does not show up as someone who is into ‘trick and treating’. Why did my eldest agree?
Hurt. My wife told me that when she told him that our daughter had no-one else then my eldest agreed to accompany his sister. Why? Because he knows the experience of being alone. He knows the experience of being excluded. His experience of his later school years was that of being alone, being excluded, being without reliable friends. Given being present to that experience he could empathise with his sister (humanity), seek her out and tell her that he will take her ‘trick/treating’ (connection and contribution).
I took a look at my life. The hurt of being called a “Paki” and being spat upon (at school) left me with a lived understanding of the impact of intolerance. And it allowed me to be a stand for tolerance towards my fellow human beings. To this day, I am proud of the fact that a fellow student and friend chose me as the first person to share his secret – that of being gay. When I asked him why he chose me? He told me that he knew I would continue to be his friend and accept him. I remember the hurt that goes along with being small/powerless and being made to do whatever the authority figures (especially my father) wanted me to do irrespective of my needs, my feeling, me desires for my life. And this experience of hurt enabled me to experience the hurt of my fellow human beings and thus be a stand for human dignity and freedom. Which kind of explains why I chose not to have an arranged marriage. Why I am a life member of Anti-Slavery. Why I placed my children in Montessori education and have encouraged them to speak their minds from the time they were born….. And why I strive to treat my fellow human beings as equals. Do I always ‘get it right’? No. Am I a stand for tolerance-freedom-fairness-equality? Yes.
Hurt as access to possibility and transformation
Hurt is hurt. And to be in the world it to live at risk and that includes the risk of being hurt. That is simply what is so. What is also so is that our stance towards hurt – how we interpret it, how we use it – is not given. We have a say in the matter of how we stand in relation to hurt. You and I can use our hurt and the hurt of our fellow human beings to reach out and connect with one another and be a source of contribution to one another.
Which brings me back to Hurricane Sandy. I hope that we as human beings will reach out and connect with those of us who are hurting right now in the USA. And I hope that those who are experiencing hurt in the USA will reach out, connect and be a source of contribution who live outside of the USA and are hurting. You can say that I am a dreamer!
And finally when we use our hurt to put our humanity into the game of life, to connect to our fellow human beings and to be a source of contribution we transform our relationship / orientation / experience towards our own hurt. Put differently, We can recontextualise our hurt: give it a new meaning, see it in a new light, even see it as a positive. Perhaps, even something that we would not choose to change even if we were given the opportunity to change it.
One of the most important insights that I got out of my participation in the courses offered by Landmark Education is this one: the default mode of being-in-the-world is one where you/i walk into a future that is already given, already bound, already constrained. And as such the domain of freedom, the freedom to invent a future that moves-touches-inspires-uplifts us, is small and sometimes non-existent. Therefore, if you/i want to increase our zone of freedom / open up our future we have to put the past in the past. Put simply, putting the past in the past is the access to opening up new realms of freedom, of possibility. How to make this real/concrete? Let me tell you a story.
One of the roles I have chosen to play in life is that of management consultant – it requires a willingness to travel. Towards the end of September it became obvious that I had to travel to Texas, USA. I noticed that something was up, I did not want to travel. Why? I had it that it was going to be an ordeal and fear/worry was present. Why?
It was July 2008 and I was on my way to Detroit to meet my new boss. On the way through security I was singled out and made to wait for some 45 minutes. Why? To be given the approval to fly to the USA by the US authorities. I got it and boarded the aeroplane. After a long journey, I was delighted to get off the aeroplane and looking forward to making my way through passport control and onwards to the hotel. It didn’t work out that way.
I was asked the same questions (as I had been in London, UK) and I provided the same answers. The ‘immigration officer’ asked me to follow him and lead me to large rectangular room. It was full of people who did not look white Anglo-Saxons, all waiting, all looking at the ‘immigration officers’ who sat on an elevated platform to make them look bigger/stronger/more powerful than the rest of us.
The rational part of me told me that it was all a game and I had nothing to worry about as I was no threat to anyone and never had been. Yet, another part of me did worry and was fearful wondering if I would be shipped off to Guantanamo. So it took something for me to be calm and read a book for two hours or so. Eventually, I was called up, asked questions, answered the questions, which they verified with my boss and let through.
What did I say to myself as I made my way out of the airport and to the taxi stand? I told myself that I could so easily have ended up in Guantanamo. And that if I had ended up there I would not have survived (not having anything in common with the inmates or the guards) and as such would have let my wife and children down. Did I stop there? No.
I made the decision that I would avoid travelling to the USA. I told myself it was unwise and selfish to travel to a country whose default position is to assume that people like me are terrorists and have to be locked up without evidence, without trial. And I acted in accordance with that decision including turning down invitations to visit friends in the USA.
I draw your attention to what happened and what I did. I experienced what I experience and what happened happened at Detroit airport. Yet, I did not leave it there. I took that experience and made a decision out of it. And where did I put the decision? In the future: going forward, in the future, I am going to / I have to avoid travelling to the USA!
What was the impact of that decision? It closed down the zone of freedom, of possibility, in the future. Put bluntly, in my future a visit to the USA was out of the question. So even when I got invites to visit the US, from friends or business organisations, I turned them down.
First, it is worth pointing out that circumstances played their part. I had to go. There was nobody who could go and do what I do. And I was not prepared to let my client and colleagues down. It occurs to me that sometimes unwelcome circumstances are exactly what we need to get us present to and out of the rut that we have fallen into.
Second, I put the past in the past. How? I examined the Detroit incident by looking at what actually happened and gave it a liberating interpretation. After some questioning, the US immigration handed me my documents and sent me on my way. Throughout the encounter he was professional – neither kind nor mean. And I left my drivers licence with him, by mistake, and he forwarded it to my boss! The new interpretation that I gave this experience is this one: the immigration officer did his job and everything worked out just fine. All that really happened is that I was delayed by two hours which could easily have happened on the flight itself and if it had happened it would not have put me off travelling on an aeroplane!
Third, I found out that to get into the USA you have to go and apply online. Which I did and within a few minutes I got a written confirmation that I was authorised to enter the USA. This strengthened my confidence, my resolve, my interpretation that it was ok/safe to travel to the USA.
Fourth, I remembered the ‘kindness of strangers’ the last time I had travelled through Texas and so I invented a future that was full of the possibility of kindness/generosity and a great experience.
It turned out delightfully. Texas was warm and the people that I encountered were warm. And during my time there I was bathed in fellowship. I got to experience the ‘big heartedness’ of the folks that I encountered. And when the time came to come back I was a sad to leave and looking forward to my next visit to the USA.
You/I might think/act as if our past is in the past. And that is not the way it is for us human beings because we put the past into the future. We do that by making decisions on/about the future. This in turn constrains our options around being/doing and thus limits our freedom, our self-expression, the possibilities that we can invent and live from/into. And it does not have to be this way!
You and I can chose, as a deliberate act, to take the past that is sitting in the future and put it in the past. And we can incorporate this practice into our way of being-in-the-world: on the look out for the past that has got misfiled in the future and keep putting it in the past. Thus we end up with future that is wide open to invention and we experience a freedom to be/do that we may have not experienced for a long time.
You could sum up the work of Werner Erhard and the work of Landmark Education (“Transformation”) as being exactly this: enabling the human being to take his/her past out of his/her future and put it into the past thus leaving absolutely nothing in the future – a future wide open to being invented unconstrained by the past.
As beings-in-the world that are thrust into the world there is so much over which we have no choice. We don’t get to choose if we come into this world. We don’t get to choose the timing – we are thrust into this world when we are thrust into this world. We don’t get to choose our family – we get what we get. We don’t get to choose our language – we get what we get. We don’t get to choose our culture – we get what we are given. And so forth. So it is tempting to fall into the pattern ‘I have no say in the matter of how I show up in life!’ and live accordingly
We do have a fundamental choice over how you/I are being as beings-in-the-world. I get that most of us are not present to this choice nor the default setting. Yet, that does not change the fact that we do have this fundamental choice. What am I talking about? I am saying that you and I have a say in how/where we show up. When I say how/where we show up I am talking ontologically – that is to say I am pointing to a way of being-in-the-world. So what exactly is this fundamental choice?
You/I can show up in the stands as spectators watching the spectacle – life – occurring in the arena. And as such we can observe, we can comment, we can criticise, we can enjoy or not enjoy…… Whilst it is less effort, more convenient, it is also the case that for many of us it leaves us unfulfilled, without joy, and from time to time wondering “Is this all there is?” Showing up as spectators in the stands is the default setting
Alternatively, you/I can actively leave the comfort of the stands and step into the arena. Put differently, you/I can choose to show up in the arena and shape how the game (of life) turns out. Being a player on the arena involves more effort, more work. It also requires courage because we are on show standing for what we say matters to us and thus open to criticism, ridicule and even attack. In some cases, we even put our lives at risk like Malala Yousafzai, 14 year old girl, attacked for championing education for girls and highlighting Taliban atrocities.
By this stage, you/I might be wondering why leave the safety/convenience/comfort of the stands for the risk/effort/vulnerability of being in the arena? Because you/I want to experience a certain kind of living, a certain kind of life. A life of meaning, of absorption, of fulfilment, of joy. It matters to us, at some fundamental level, that you/I live lives that matter, that are authentic, that are fulfilling. Those of us who chose to show up in the arena as players/actors/creators are not faced with the question “Is this all there is?”.
As you/I ponder this fundamental existential choice, I wish to share this “Man in the Arena” passage from a speech from President Theodore Roosevelt, Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, France, April 23, 1910:
“It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; Who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
Recently it took it upon myself to drive daughter about 30 miles to an ‘activity-adventure-outdoors’ camp. Google Maps suggested that this drive would take about 30 – 40 minutes. Yet, the drive itself took 2 hours 40 minutes.
First it took me longer to finish my work so we set-off 15 minutes later than I had planned. Then we encountered traffic – lots of it. So I diverted and worked my way around the traffic. Delight showed up. And I still ended up in endless traffic – crawling along. Daughter noticed that it was faster to walk! Getting that we would not arrive on time and this impacted others, daughter phoned her ‘guide for the weekend’ and let her know that we would be an hour or so late.
An hour and forty minutes later we arrive at the destination according to the GPS. It is dark, it is wet, it is raining hard, the country roads are small, lighting is poor, tiredness is present. I notice that tiredness and anxiety are present for me, my experience. Yet, daughter is positive, optimistic, cheerful and is relating to all of this as an adventure. And concerned for me.
We cannot find the place! I drive one way. I drive another way. Time goes by. More and more tiredness is present. Annoyance, frustration and anger is now present in my house of being. 30 or so minutes later we are really in the middle of nowhere and I get that the GPS is not working. My daughter calls for help – there is no signal. Then a fellow human being, walking his dogs, with torch in hand shows up. I ask for help and he provides it. Some 15 minutes later we arrive back at the same place that the GPS had taken us to the first time. Again we cannot find the activity centre.
It is dark, it is foggy, it is wet, I am tired, annoyed, frustrated, angry. My daughter is calm and helpful: she tells me that it is OK to turn back and go home. Now, it is not an option to quit, to go home. I stop the car and look at the paper map. “Aha, we are right next to it. It has to be here!” I turn around the car and together daughter and I find it! And I cannot help but notice I have been going round in circles for an hour.
After dropping off daughter, I notice that I am not looking forward to driving. Yet, driving is necessary if I am going to get back home. I notice that I have no confidence toward the Garmin GPS. I notice that I am blaming Garmin and blaming myself for bringing the Garmin as opposed to the TomTom. I notice that I am blaming the Girl Guides group who arranged the weekend for being inconsiderate: they should know better than arrange a date/time which involves peak traffic. I blame myself.
If that is not enough. I notice that I have it that something is wrong (with me, with Garmin, with the world..) and that I have wasted my time. Look, I could have done something useful with the extra 90 minutes that it took to get to this place! I notice that I have it that my time is precious and I do not have time to waste.
Driving back, I get it. I get that all that is showing up in my house of being, my experience, is the automatic machinery of being human. I get that who I am is the person who is doing the noticing: the one that is noticing the machinery at play. That opens up a clearing for me to simple be – to be peaceful.
In this clearing I get that I have not wasted my time The trip took exactly the right amount of time: not a second more or a second less than the perfect time for this trip. How do I know? Because that is the time it took to get there! I got it, do you get it? Listen, the 30 – 40 minutes that Google Maps and Garmin suggested did not take into account reality as it showed up on the trip. Further, I got that the 2 hours 40 minutes had been well used – the mission had been accomplished, daughter was delighted, daughter and I had worked together well and affinity was present between us, I had saved wife 2 hours and 40 minutes…. Most importantly the time had been used in the service of my stand: to put something into the game of life, to be of service, to be a source of contribution to fellow human beings…
Then I got that there was nothing wrong. There is traffic. There is rain. There is fog. There are tiny country lanes. There is darkness. And on a Friday evening in October, all of these can and do show up. Really, there is nothing wrong. It is simply the reality that showed up.
I got that there is nobody to blame. There is no evil person who planned it to work out the way that it worked out. Everyone in the traffic was doing his/her best to get home. The Garmin folks built that best GPS that they were in a position to build. The activity centre folks got that finding their place is and has been an issue. And they feel unable to do better due to planning laws that restrict the signage they can put up…. Finally, I got that I was not to blame: I showed up and did the best that I was able to do at that time and in those circumstances.
Having gotten, really gotten (as opposed to simply thought about/of) that there is nothing wrong, nobody to blame and no time was wasted I noticed that my being and lived experience transformed: peace, delight and joy were present in my house of being; the annoyance, the blaming, the anger vanished. Relaxed,I drove back home (40 minutes) and spent the evening watching a touching movies with sons and their friend.
Life had showed up whole-complete-perfect!
Existential Conversations For Playing Big 