Leadership – Page 2 – Existential Conversations For Playing Big

I took the road less travelled and it really did make a difference.

The story

Sitting in the car travelling east on the M61 to meet a friend that I have not seen for some time. Eager to honour my word – to arrive at 6pm – leave from parents home with a fifteen minute margin. Grateful to my brother for fantastic job he’s done on servicing/valeting the car – it sparkles, it drives well. Looking forward to spending time with friend – has been many years since we last talked openly and shared a meal together.

Signpost says there are long delays on M62 junctions 20 and 24 due to accident. Wondering “Does it impact me?” as it could on the western route or the eastern route. Hit the M62 traffic flows and then hits me that accident, that delay is on route and will impact me. Frustration, annoyance shows up – why me, why today? Temptation to stay on M62 is strong: have travelled this route many times and don’t know how else to get there! Nonetheless, turn off at the first exit before the blockage – part of me gets that is the wisest choice.

Driving along the slip road and a roundabout shows up. Many exits, which exit to take? Take one, find place to stop, get SatNav out, enter in destination, wait, route is calculated. Remaining 30 miles will take hour and half instead of 30 minutes – will be late. Annoyed. Make call to friend and leave message so she knows what is so and how it is likely to turn out. Put myself in the hands of the SatNav.

The road is dirt track, no other cars travelling on it, pot holes everywhere, drive slowly. “Am I on the right road? Is this a dead end? Has SatNav got it wrong?” Uncertainty and vulnerability is generating fearful thoughts. Plough in – trust that it will all work out, can be with whatever shows up. Soon driving on a proper road. Relief. All is well for 10 minutes or so then end up on built up areas of local town. So different from my world – town is dirty, poor, signs of neglect everywhere, was really something during Industrial Revolution and now looks like Detroit.

Frustration, annoyance and anger are all present: built up areas, 30mph speed limit, traffic lights everywhere, traffic, stop, start, not getting anywhere. “It’s not fair, why me, why trapped here in hell?” Towns, cities, built up areas don’t speak to me. Nonetheless an angel is present and speaks “Be with what is and what is not. Be patient. Accept world just as it is and just as it is not. That is freedom: being with what is and what is not is the access to authentic freedom!” Now relaxed, no hurry, simply taking in the scenery, listening to the music on the radio.

Suddenly, road leaves town centre behind and starts to wind and climb up. One bend after another, climbing, car struggles, change down a gear. Arrive at top of big hill, look down and this thought shows up “Wow, how beautiful!” Countryside everywhere: rolling hills, country road, no traffic, clear roads, now travelling at 50mph. “”Wow, how beautiful to be so high up, here in God’s country! What luck. If it had not been for the accident, the traffic jam, this world would never have been disclosed to me!”

Joy is present, wonder/awe is present, peace is present whilst driving on the ideal road for me – one that snakes around from side to side and up and down. Water! Lake? Reservoir? Stop car by side of road. Get out and just look – really look at the sunshine hitting the water and the wind caressing the water – water is rippling. How beautiful!

What fun, what joy, what beauty, how wonderful the experience of driving is. Have not traveled on this kind of road for a long time. Then another ‘lake/reservoir” shows up. “Wow. This is the body of water that has shown up many times on my travels on the M62. Each time wanting to get off M62 to take a closer look. This time, today, that closer look is taking place.

Travelling along the Pennines, time no longer matters, just joy of driving and being here right now. Suddenly it ends just as abruptly as it began – now travelling in the suburbs of a city. Joy and gratitude are still present. Drive slowly, calmly and fifteen minutes or so later the car sits on my friends drive.

What is the meaning of this story?

Life is simply more fun on the road less travelled. And the price is the willingness to be with fear, uncertainty, doubt, vulnerability, fear, frustration, annoyance, resentment and even anger. A glitch in the matrix of everyday life showed up in my life and awoke me from the slumber of the everyday. Having awoken, taking responsibility, handling fear, chose the road less traveled. And that made all the difference – an experience that will be with me always. An experience that shows me that the ‘unexpected’ can be gift, an access to see that which is hidden, to experience that which has not been experienced, to grow.

On the road less travelled it helps to have the right tools: what would have showed up, what would the experience be like if the SatNav had not been present to take care of working out the route?

Insights into self: self and built areas simply do not go together naturally/effortlessly; self, countryside, rolling hills, mountains, lakes, rivers, ocean go together perfectly. Home, for me, is the natural world, the natural landscapes. Leave towns, cities, shopping malls, built up areas to fellow human beings who find joy in them.

Final thought

Isn’t the essence of possibility, leadership and transformation the willingness, the determination, the commitment to envision, communicate and travel the road less travelled? Sometimes one creates the opening and sometimes the opening shows up and one simply has to step into it.

If the herd is headed for the cliff the sane thing is to break free from the herd no matter how uncomfortable you feel!

What am I to be, to do, to have in this world?

How do I decide what/how I am to be in this world? How do I decide what to do, how to conduct myself, what to chase after in this world? Of all questions these are the most important questions and they do not have easy answers.

Given that these are the most difficult questions and there are no ready made answers how do I answer these questions? The default is simply to follow the herd: look around me and buy into the way of life that everyone around has bought into. Look deeply and you will notice that we human beings are herd animals. We just don’t use the word herd instead we use softer more appealing words like ‘community’, ‘profession’, ‘vocation’, ‘nation’…..

“It’s all made up!”

If we are fortunate there will be glitches in the ‘matrix of the taken for granted every day life’ and we will notice these glitches.

I noticed these glitches. I would go to school and be told “X is great, this is the right way to be, the right thing to do…” and I’d get home and I would be told “X is totally wrong! It is the wrong way to be, the wrong thing to do, the wrong thing to chase after…”. At home I would learn a set of views/practices and upon arriving at school I’d be told that these were wrong. I was lucky enough to be born into one culture and live in it whilst at home and then be embedded in a different culture during school hours.

At the age of about 8/9/10 I remember thinking “Its’ all made up!” That was the most liberating thought of my life – it changed/directed the course of my life. I focussed on school work rather than religion. I studied Physics rather then Biology and thus dashed my parents hopes of becoming a doctor. I went to a university far from my parents home rather than one nearer home. I chose my wife rather than get an arranged marriage. I made friends irrespective of their colour, their race or their religion instead of sticking with my ‘own kind’. I questioned things and asked difficult questions rather than accept the ready made answers….

Being with the herd does not make you ‘right’, going away from the herd does not make you ‘wrong’

Most of us will experience a series of glitches in the ‘matrix of our taken for granted way of thinking and living’ and one or more of these will grab our attention and open our eyes so that we see beyond the surface. When we see beyond the surface we may come to the conclusion we are living a false life, a shallow life, a mindless life, a meaningless life, a joyless life, someone else’s life. Then we are confronted with choice: act/reclaim our life as ours or to go back to being with the herd and pretend we never saw what we saw.

Most of us lull ourself back to sleep and get back to following the herd. And if we don’t do that then the people around us act on us with more and more force to get us back in the pen with the rest of the herd. Our argument, their argument is often that the herd cannot be wrong, we must be wrong. With that in mind and with a commitment to leave us with the freedom to transform our lives I share with you the following passage from R.D. Laing’s book, The Politics of Experience:

“From an ideal vantage point from the ground, a formation of planes may be observed from the air. One plane may be out of formation. But the whole formation may be off course. The plane that is ‘out of formation’ may be abnormal, bad or ‘mad’ from the point of view of the formation. But the formation itself may be bad or mad from the point of view of the ideal observer. The plane that is out of formation may be also more or less off course than the formation….

In particular, it is of fundamental importance not to confuse the person who may be ‘out of formation’ by telling him that he is ‘of course’ if he is not. It is of fundamental importance not to make the positivist mistake of assuming that, because a group is in formation, this means they are necessarily ‘on course‘.….. Nor is it necessarily the case that the person who is ‘out of formation’ is more ‘on course’ than the formation……

If the formation is itself off course, then the man who is really to get ‘on course’ must leave the formation.”

It takes inner strength to be yourself; being yourself is the greatest accomplishment

The illusion of individuality

Those of us who are thrown into Anglo-Saxon cultures (at birth) live under the tight grip of the illusion of individuality. We buy into the following myth: I am an individual and you are individual and as such you and I are free to be just ourselves – no constraints. People thrown into Easter cultures have a much deeper appreciation of how much it takes to really be an individual – to really stand for who you are, what you believe in.

The being of human beings is that we are beings-in-the-world. What is a prominent feature of this being-in-the-world? From the moment we are born we are in an intimate relationship with fellow human beings. Our life is in their hands and we become masters are doing what it takes to please people – at least those that have a strong influence on our lives. Furthermore, every culture ensures that playing the game of ‘looking good and avoiding looking bad’ becomes our nature, our default setting. Let’s be precise – we do just about anything to ‘look good and avoid looking bad’. It takes inner strength to go against this default, to be who you are (naturally) and to stand up for what you believe. This was brought home to me this week by my son.

It takes real inner strength to be kind when there is no permission, no agreement, for kindness

My son was sitting next to me and I must have said or did something that made him a little unhappy with me – I honestly cannot remember how it started. So he starts tapping me softly on my legs. I blurted out something like “Don’t be a p****y, if you are going to hit me then hit me hard.” Then my son said something and the way he said it opened my eyes and my heart:

“I know you think I am a p****y. What you don’t understand is that it takes real strength to be kind, to be gentle, when all the boys in school are the opposite and pushing me to be the same as them. Yes, I am kind and I don’t like to hurt people or be hurt by people. If that means that people call me a p****y then so be it.”

It will be one of those moments that will be with me for the rest of my life. I was (and still am) in complete awe at his inner strength as I never got what it takes for him to be gentle and kind in his world where ‘criticism, ridicule, indifference or cruelty’ is the norm. I also got why there is so little genuine kindness and gentleness in the world that I live in: we live in a male dominated world and in this world there is no permission for kindness and gentleness. It takes something, real inner strength, to against the prevailing wind.

To simply be yourself is the greatest accomplishment

Are leaders – big or small, recognised or not – people who have found the inner strength to simply be who they naturally are and stand up for what matters to them? Is the biggest transformation of all that which occurs when we give up ‘looking good and avoiding looking bad’ and simply be who we are moved-touched-inspired to be? Here’s what Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment”

I have failed, am I a failure?

Karl Jaspers on failure

“The ultimate situations – death, chance, guilt and the uncertainty of the world – confront me with the reality of failure. What do I do in the face of absolute failure, which if I am honest I cannot fail to recognize? …Crucial for man is his attitude toward failure………………The way in which man approaches failure determines what he will become.”

When I look at my life it occurs to me that I have failed in so many ways

I have failed to be the kind of husband I imagined and was up for being. And I imagine that my wife sees me as a failure as a husband.

I have failed to be the kind of father I imagined and was up for being. And the kind of results I expected to show up failed to show up. I suspect that one or more of children see me as a flawed father.

I have failed to be the kind of son I imagined and was up for being. And my father often tells me how much of a disappointment I am and how I failed him.

I have failed to be the kind of brother I imagined and was up for being. My relationship with one of my brothers is particularly difficult.

I have failed to be the kind of uncle I imagined and was up for being. I came out strong out of the starting gate and then my own children arrived.

I have failed to be the kind of friend I imagined and was up for being.

I have failed to be a ‘good employee’ – you could say I am blessed/cursed with an independence of mind and the rebelliousness to go with it.

I have failed to the kind of neighbour I imagined and was up for being though I have good enough relationships with my neighbours.

I have failed to arrive at the kind of career / financial success I envisaged when I was young and at university.

I have failed in making something great out of Humanity In Action even though it got off to a great start.

I have failed to have the kind of impact I wanted and imagined that I would have on people’s lives (for the better) and the world. My sister once told me something like “I used to so look up to you. Nowadays, I am just disappointed in you.” And she had every right to be. I was at least that disappointed in myself!

I have failed to master myself – the automatic machinery that just shows up and spoils the show. This failure is the one that stings the most if I let it sting.

I have failed does that mean I am a failure?

Given that I have failed in so many ways I am free – not trapped by the allure of ‘perfection’, ‘success’, ‘reputation’, ‘looking good and avoiding looking bad’. I am free to simply be, to live, to be grateful for the privilege of living as I live: in a safe country; in an affluent/safe neighbourhood; in a nice house; as a member of a family; with the privilege of sight which allows me to be present to beauty, to navigate, to read; with the privilege of sound such that I get to enjoy music; with the privilege of movement so I can move, dance, cycle, play sports; with the privilege of touch so that I can give and receive hugs; with the privilege of language so that I can speak myself and connect with my fellow human beings in/through conversation.

I am that which I am. Anything else is simply a label that I put on myself or someone else – mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, friend – puts on me. What I am really interested in is this question: how can I live such that I ‘play BIG’: live an ‘extraordinary’ life: be of service to my fellow human beings; to put something into, to contribute to the game of life; and co-create a ‘world that works’, none excluded. The question is how well am I living that mission? The answer is that I can play this game much more powerfully then I am playing right now!

You and I can live in the past or be fully embedded in the present (surviving, fixing, looking good and avoiding looking bad) or we can invent, project and live into possibilities (like the possibility of ‘playing BIG’) that provide meaning for our lives, that move-touch-inspire us to live resolutely and play full-out in this game called Life.

Want to live an ‘extraordinary’ life and show up as leader? Then get to grips with and live from the following distinctions and insights

Ordinary living: we play ‘victim’, we avoid responsibility for what is so and what is not so, we are left complaining

Engaged in a conversation on leadership, my partner in this conversation asked something like “What is the cause of poor leadership and how is it that poor leaders stay in power?” I replied something like “Us”, he looked puzzled so I continued “I am the cause, you are the cause, we are the cause!” This response took him by surprise. So I continued “By following ‘poor leaders’ we tell these leaders that they are ok, their leadership style is ok. And as such we encourage them to continue being who they are being and doing what they are doing. We are the cause of poor leaders and poor leadership”

He got it instantly and dropped the conversation – the ‘complaint’ around/about poor leaders stopped instantly. I saw that my partner got access to the ‘truth’ and that this ‘truth’ opened his eyes and set him free – free from his ‘complaint’. This got me thinking that it is time for me to share, with you, some powerful distinctions and insights which are the pillars of this blog.

‘Extraordinary’ living: what is the access to living powerfully, living a transformed life?

The access to ‘playing BIG’, living powerfully, living an ‘extraordinary’ life and generating a transformation in the quality of living requires that one creates a map of the territory (of our lives, the situations we find ourselves in, the world at large) that is both ‘accurate’ and which leaves one being an ‘author’ rather than a character (or characters) in the play of Life.

Let’s listen, profoundly, to a master of living – Werner Erhard. Why? Because you want to have your life work. Right? Because you understand that you only get one go at living and you want that living to count. Right? Because you don’t simply want to live you want to feel ALIVE. Right? If that does not resonate with you then stop reading and go do something else. If it does then stop everything, be silent, be present and soak in the mind-blowing insight / wisdom that Werner Erhard unconceals for us. Why? Because you and I are locked inside the prison of ordinary living and Werner is giving us the keys to our freedom, to living an ‘extraordinary’ life.

Responsibility: is the access to being powerful and living an ‘extraordinary’ life?

“Responsibility is not burden, fault, praise, blame, credit, shame or guilt. All of these include judgments of good and bad, right and wrong, or better and worse. They are not responsibility.

Responsibility starts with the willingness to experience your Self as cause in the matter…… Responsibility starts with the willingness to deal with the situation from the point of view, whether in the moment realised or not, that you are the source of who you are, what you do and what you have. This point of view extends to include even what is done to you and ultimately what another does to another. Ultimately, responsibility is a context – a context of Self as source – for the content, i.e., for what is.” Werner Erhard

Wow! Do you get that? Responsibility is a choice. It is a choice that only you can make. It is gift that only you can give yourself. Why is it a gift? Because choosing to view yourself and operate from the context ‘I matter, I have a say in how I am being, how I live, how the world works, how the world turns out’ transforms your being, your experience of yourself and your living. It moves you from being a ‘victim’ and ‘complaining’ to a creator of possibilities, the Director of the play called ‘My Life, My World’ and this leaves you being powerful (powerful as opposed to forceful) in the world. It is really important that you get the distinctions ‘context’ and ‘content’.

Accountability: the access to joy, fearlessness, energy and satisfaction?

“Accountability is the opportunity to live at choice rather than accidentally. Accountability is the opportunity to carve out a future rather than sit back and have it happen to you. Accountability held as stand ‘as one’s word’ is the ground from which one’s own transformation is created ongoingly. Transfomation lives in accountability. Without accountability, without committed speaking, without promises and declarations, there is no transformation…..

A promise has real power. A promise made from the stand that ‘who you are is your word’, engages you as a participant. You cease to be a spectator, and your words become actions that impact the world. With a promise you create a condition that supports your commitment rather than your moods. When motivational dialog comes up about your preferences versus your commitments, and you disregard the dialog in favour of doing what you said you would do solely because you said so, you distinguish yourself from your psychology. In that moment you are your word as an action, rather than only an idea you have. In that moment, the promise becomes who you are rather than something you said and your relationship to the world shifts. You find yourself producing results that seem discontinuous and unpredictable from the point of the view of the spectator. The experience is one of joy, fearlessness, irrepressible energy and satisfaction. ” Werner Erhard

If you get this, really get this then you, your living, how you show up in the world, your experience of living will never be as it was before you read this. If you didn’t get it that way then go back and read it again – read it out aloud to yourself, read it slowly savouring the words. Let the words sink in. If after that you are still left untouched then move on: the master will appear when the student is ready – always.

Integrity: why it matters and the price we pay when we give it up

“You and I go through life and you would be surprised how much of the time, in life, the question, ‘How can I live and have integrity at the same time?‘ is present. It’s very difficult for people to live with integrity. Usually, there seems to be a conflict between integrity and living. The fact is that you give up your life when you compromise integrity.” Werner Erhard

Be careful how you read this because when Werner speaks ‘Integrity’ he is not speaking what you are most likely to be thinking he is speaking. When Werner speaks ‘Integrity’ he is not referring to morals and virtues – being a ‘good person’ or a ‘upstanding citizen’. No. Werner is pointing out / speaking on the subject of wholeness; the match between your word, your being and your actions; the fit between who you hold yourself out to be for yourself and the world and how you show up in terms of your being, doing and having. If I say “I am going to drive over to your home and smash your car tomorrow!” and then tomorrow I drive over and smash you car then in a sense I am in Integrity. Yet, it is not as simple as that. If I declare myself to be “kind, calm, considerate and law abiding citizen” then I am out of Integrity when I say “I am going to drive over to our home and smash your car tomorrow!”

Making a difference: what does it take to make a difference?

“All it takes to make a difference is the courage to stop proving I was right in being unable to make a difference….. to stop assigning cause for my inability to the circumstances outside of myself….. And to see that the fear of being a failure is a lot less important than the unique opportunity I have to make a difference.” Werner Erhard

There it is! If you and I are serious, as in moved-touched-inspired, about making a difference in the world then Werner has left us nowhere to hide. Werner is telling us that we have the capacity to make a difference and to make a difference we simply have to quit ‘playing small’ – quit making excuses, quite playing ‘victim’, quite being small in life.

Summing it up

You and I want our lives to work. You and I want the ‘world to work’. What does it take, what is the access having a a life that works and a world that works? The access, according to Werner Erhard as I understand Werner Erhard, is Responsibility, Accountability and being in Integrity – as explained in this post not as commonly understood and spoken about in our day-to-day living.

Incidentally, when you live into and from these distinctions, and the context that is intimately associated with these distinctions, then you will show up as a leader. Showing up as a leader in the world is simply a side effect of living from/out of Responsibility, Accountability and Integrity.

What is the greatest gift you can grant another (and yourself)?

Do you really want your life to work?

Do you want your life to work? Really, truly, deeply do you want your life to work? Do you really want your life to work or do you want to be right, dominate, have the world work to your wishes, your whims, your point of view? If you are honest then you’d be present to the latter – your focus on being right, validating yourself, dominating others, insisting that the world work according to your fantasies. How has that been working out? Has it brought you peace, freedom to be, self-expression, vitality, connection, love, joy? Are you up for, really up for, having peace, vitality, connection, love, joy present in your life? If so then this post is for you.

People matter – are central to the quality of our life, right?

Have you noticed that you are not alone? Have you noticed that the Earth (amongst other processes) ‘peoples’ and so wherever you are you there are people? People show up wherever you are, right? At home, at work, whilst your are walking, driving, shopping, eating, sleeping watching television…… Is it accurate that you cannot escape from people even when you are on a deserted island? Even on a deserted island, do people show up in your thoughts, do they show up in your feelings? People matter, our relationships with people matter, connection or the absence of it matters, friction-full or friction-free relationships matter to your living, our experience of life. Right?

What is the greatest gift you can grant another?

How do you build great relationships with people? What is the secret? The secret is to grant them a gift, the greatest gift that you can grant another. What is this gift?

1. Let people be. Let every person that shows up in your world be just as he is and just as he is not. What is the access to letting people be? Accept them (looks, clothes, voice, speaking, behaviour, history..) just as they are and just as they are not. Choose to be totally OK with them just as they are and just as they are not. If you let people be just as they are and just as they are not what is likely to show up in your world? Peace? Freedom? Ease?

Are you up for going further – putting more into life, making a bigger contribution and indirectly being granted much more than peace, freedom and ease? Then take on / live / be the following practices:

2. Be a stand for the wonder and greatness of people – believe in them more than they believe in themselves. How can I best point out / show what I am talking about? Read and get present to the following words by Viktor Frankl who has a profound lived understanding /experience of our fellow human beings in all of their manifestations:

“If we take man as he really is then we make him worse. If we overestimate him……overrate man, then we promote him to what he really can be. So we have to be optimists idealists in way so we wind up as the true realists”

If you are willing to make four minutes available to yourself, to treat yourself, then watch this video: http://youtu.be/fD1512_XJEw

3. Belive in and be enthusiastic about the ‘life projects’ that matter to people. Your fellow human being, the one that you are thinking about right now, is not simply defined by who he is, where he came from or what he does. He is much more. A huge part of him is the future he is living into and the ‘life projects’ that inspires him. Yes, I get that he is a teacher, a family man, in his late forties. Do you get that one of his most crucial ‘life projects’ is to be a musician – to pursue a dream he gave up early in life and which really matters to him? ‘Life projects’ are simply possibilities that we imagine, create and project in the future. They are hugely important because they give shape to our being today and influence/shape our choices including how we spend our attention/energy/time. So leave aside your critical mind, your fears, your insecurities and step into the possibilites that you fellow human being (wife, husband, son, daughter, brother, sister, friend, neighbour, colleague, manager…) has created and which give him and his life meaning. Step into that possibility and be enthusiastic. If you are in position to do so then go further – lend a helping hand, help to open doors, to provide resources (including your encouragement), carry some of the load.

4. Be there for the people that show up in your life. Be there during the good times to celebrate – celebrate with them, acknowledge, congratulate, laugh, lift them high ‘onto your shoulders’. Be there for them during the difficult times when stuff does not turn out as they would like it to. Provide: an empathic ear; a solid-warm-friendly shoulder for them to rest their head; create a ladder/scaffold and help them climb up when you judge that the time is right; lead the way up the scaffold, give them your hand and help them to climb up. Do this freely and wholeheartedly and you and your relationship will never be the same again. One of my most enduring relationships was built by literally helping a ‘friend’ climb a mountain – giving up the lead, letting others take the lead, providing encouragement to this friend in words, being a little ahead of him when I needed to be and offering him my hand when he found it difficult to climb up the mountain. We may not speak for many months and the love is there – neither of us have forgotten that day, that experience.

What is the greatest gift you can give yourself?

OK, by now you should be clear that the greatest gift that you can grant the people in your life is made up the following: letting them be just as they are and just as they are not; believing in them more than they believe in themselves; being enthusiastic about and contributing to their life projects; and being there for them.

Now I have as surprise for you. The greatest gift you can give yourself is to grant this ‘greatest gift’ to the people that show up in your life! You might be wondering “What?” Think about it. When you grant this gift to the people that show up in your life and living you get the following treats:

Peace / Ease / Freedom – you no longer struggle with people because you have giving up ‘resisting’ them as they are and as they are not and that shows up as a heavy burden lifted off your shoulder!

Relatedness / Connection / Enthusiasm / Love / ‘Sense of Adventure‘- by choosing to let people be and enter into their lives through encouraging/supporting/contributing to their ‘life projects’ as well as being there for them through the good times and the difficult times you create the space for relatedness, connection, love, enthusiasm and a sense of adventure to show up in your experience of living. Whenever we take part in ‘life projects’ we take part in ‘giving birth’ to something new and this shows up as a sense of adventure – we feel more alive!

My guarantee to you and my challenge for you

I guarantee you that the moment that you grant this ‘greatest gift’ your experience of living will be transformed – the quality of your life will be transformed. To keep this transformed live you have to consciously keep granting this ‘greatest gift’ again and again – every day, every moment. Are you up for transforming the quality of your life? Are you up for taking me up on my guarantee?

Love and Life – not your usual perspective!

Occasionally I read or hear something that introduces a glitch in the ‘matrix of my mind’, lifts me out of my default state of ‘fallenness’ and provides an opening into a ‘new world’, new way of being. Before I share that with you let’s get present to what is so in the ordinary way of living in which almost all of us are embedded almost all of the time.

Ordinary living: love as finding someone special and ‘being in love’

What is ordinary way of think about love? If you are like me it is likely to be something like:

Love as a feeling – as in ‘I love you’ which more accurately said is “I feel love for you”;
Love as quest for that special someone – as in ‘I need to find someone to love me for me to feel OK, to feel complete’; and
Love as in falling in love – it is not enough for us that someone loves us, we strive to find that someone we love and who loves us!

What shows up when we approach love standing in this clearing: one of wanting, need and feeling? If you are like me and I say that you are, more accurately most of you are, then it does not work out that great, does it? It is not that easy to find that someone special. And even when you do, how long does that feeling of ‘being in love’ last? How do we react when that feeling is no longer there? Does frustration, disappointment, anger, bitterness, self-criticism ofr choosing the wrong person (again!), restlessness, feeling cheated, feeling deprived – do these seem familiar to you?

In life and living there is risk and there is pain – that is simply what is so. What is not within life itself is suffering. Suffering – this is what we introduce into our lives because we have a faulty view of life, of reality. And I cannot think of a domain of life where are as mistaken as we are in the domain of life called ‘love and loving’. Consequently, we suffer greatly.

Extraordinary living: Clea Iqbal speaks a forgotten ‘truth’

Here are the words that introduce a glitch in the ‘matrix of my mind’, lift me out of my default state of ‘fallenness’ and provide an opening into a ‘new world’, new way of being.

“Love is something everyone wants,

many do not realise they are loved,

someone cares for them lovingly,

and watches out for them.
________________________________________

Many people go out looking for love to be happy,

and they don’t realise,

to be happy,

you don’t need to love someone,

nor have someone love you.

_________________________________________

You need only to love life itself!”

Do you get the wisdom, the beauty, the power, the freedom, that Clea has made available to each of us? Being alive – see, hear, feel, touch, play, create, taste – is a privilege! That is what Clea is pointing out. What would show up in your living if you lived your life from this vantage point, from this stand?

Leadership is about disclosing new worlds, new possibilities and modeling that behaviour. What impact would you have on those close to you, those you work with, those come across, the world at large? Would it not show up as a transformation in the quality of your living and of our world? Are you prepared to be that big and ‘play BIG’? Are your prepared to be a leader?

About Clea Iqbal

Clea is daughter to me as I am father to her. From time to time she comes out with profound insights that blow my mind and my heart. So I invited her to share her voice and her insights with all of us both as self-expression and as contribution. She took me up on this invitation and we set up a blog for her: Clea’s Blog

A final thought: perhaps one of the practices that we can incorporate into our living and of loving life is allowing/encouraging/enabling our fellow human beings to speak authentically and put that speaking into the world.

Resist or be with that which shows up in your life?

‘Ordinary’ living: judging, embracing, rejecting what shows up

Have you noticed that the default setting of your life is such that you struggle ‘being with’ that which shows up in your life, your living? Have you noticed that stuff shows up in your life and automatically your machinery gets busy classifying into any number of buckets: ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘right’, ‘wrong’, ‘great’, ‘awful’, ‘ok’, ‘not ok’? Have you noticed that once your machinery (which is always on 24x7x365) has slotted stuff that shows up into one of these buckets then it generates an automatic response? I am talking about the feelings that arise, the thoughts that arise, what you say to yourself or to others.

What do you do with the stuff that shows up in your life and which is not OK with your machinery? If you are like me and most of your fellow human beings then your natural, automatic, response is to resist. Yes, the ordinary being of human being, is to resist that which does not fit in with our needs, our expectations, our desires, our view of the world, of ourselves. How does that tend to turn out? Does your resistance to what shows up work? Does it leave you with insight, with a greater freedom to be, with peace, with joy? It does none of those for me. The more I resist the more trapped I become, the less present I am to life, the less present I am to the beauty in life and all the stuff that I can be grateful for: the ability to see the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the face of my children, my wife, you; the ability to hear – my favourite music that makes me feel and usually gets me dancing with a huge smile on my face; the ability to touch / hold my wife, daughter and sons……

How can I help you to visualise this? Think about gusts and tornados. Many years back (I think it was 1987) really powerful gusts hit the UK and felled many trees all over the UK. The interesting fact is that the trees that fell were the older, bigger, stronger trees. When these fierce gusts hit these ‘proud and strong’ trees stood their ground. They resisted and many of them fell. On the other and the younger trees, those that were supple, simply bent with the gusts, let them pass and then straightened up and went back to the way they were before the gust arrived. Most of us are like those older trees whereas toddlers/young children are like the younger trees.

‘Extraordinary’ living: be with what shows up

When you stand in the clearing called ‘extraordinary’ living then you purposefully take a particular stance with that which shows up in your life. You accept that which shows up in your life and you be with whatever shows up just as it is and just as it is not. One way of pointing at and showing up the attitude associated with this stand is “Wow, how interesting? Who am I being in the world that this shows up in my life? What is the lesson that this is bringing with it? What test am I being put through? What questions am I being asked?”

Let me give you an example to further illustrate this. On Saturday, waves of sadness and melancholy hit me out of the blue. I found tears running down my cheeks. If I had been immersed in ordinary living then I would have made this wrong. I would have called myself weak and told myself to stop being a baby and be a man. Furthermore, I would have told myself to get a grip because “you have no reason to cry, life is great, you have so much to be thankful for!”

As it happened I was present and so was able to step into ‘playing BIG’ and coming from that space I accepted that what was so was so. Instead of judging it, categorising, resisting it, I chose simply to be with it. Actually, I went further, I dived into it – kind of became one with it. I felt the feelings deeply, I connected with the parts of my body that were generating those tears, I noticed the rythm….. What was remarkable about this experience? The sadness/melancholy was present, the tears were present, the deep sobbing was present and yet I was totally peaceful, totally relaxed!

By the end of day the waves of sadness/melancholy departed as quickly as they arrived and as far as I can tell for no reason. What was I left with? I was left with the insight that the ’cause’ of those waves of sadness/melancholy was me reading a particular chapter of The Brothers Karamazov. What I got present to was that the waves of sadness/melancholy were the speaking of a certain part of me – the spiritual side. Why the sadness? Because until recently, and for a long time, I had locked up that side of me. The spiritual side of me had been in prison, bound hand and foot, gagged, kept in the dark, unfed. And through those waves of sadness/melancholy it was simply letting go of the pain. What I got present to was that those waves of sadness/melancholy were and are a gift. A gift that shows me that ‘being a decent human being’ matters to me. A gift that shows up that a natural and powerful part of my self-expression is to speak my truth, to be of service to my fellow human beings, to contribute, to put something into the game of life, to work to co-create a ‘world that works’, none excluded.

I leave you with this question: what would have been my experience (and where would I be now) if I had resisted those waves of sadness/melancholy? Now I ask you a question: are you willing to ‘play BIG’, to accept/be with what shows up in your life and ‘learn’ that which there is to learn, to face the question that life is posing, to undergo the test that life is putting you through? Or you are going to go with ordinary living and resistance?

Remember:

a) ‘playing BIG’ is a gift that you grant yourself and only you can grant that gift to yourself.

b) Leadership ALWAYS starts with yourself – if you can be with that which shows up and learn from it then you can model that stance for the people you are leading.

Reflections for a life of Possibility, of Transformation and of Leadership- only for the courageous! (Part I)

I say that the most philosophically profound and politically revolutionary movie that I have ever watched is The Matrix series. Yes, you can take it as a sci-fi yarn or you can get present to the hidden, profound and revolutionary, messages. Today, I simply wish to share some with you. Before you read further, I warn you that these deeply uncomfortable ‘truth’s for the mass of humanity that is in a state of “fallenness” – fallenness of “victim”, of “conformity”, of “idle chatter”, of “mass culture” – and so you may want to do what you do by default, not look at anything that disturbs your sleep. The choice is yours – it has always been thus.

Choice

Neo: “Choice. The problem is choice.”

Yes, you have been thrown into this world – you did not get a say in the matter. Yes, stuff happens that happens and you did not get a say in that matter – call that ‘fate’. And you have ‘free will’. How? You are present to possibilities and you can project possibilities – you can envisage ‘that which is not and could be’ as well as being present to ‘that which is’. Being present to possibilities, as yet unborn, and ready to be born you are confronted with choice. Choosing not to choose – accepting the default (what is and is not) – is a choice. You make it, every instant, even if you are not aware of making that choice. There is no escaping choice. Choice – being confronted with choice – is the sign that you are ‘free’. With choice comes the ‘problem of choice’.

Death

Morpheus: “Then tomorrow we may all be dead, but how would that be different from any other day? This is a war, and we are soldiers. Death can come for us at any time, in any place.”

You are not going to live forever. Death is not a tragedy, it is the gift that allows us to get present to the privilege of being alive and presses us to live fully, to give fruit to our gifts, our dreams, you self-expression. And even if death shows up in your world as a ‘tragedy’ as a ‘horror’ then get present to the fact that you will never escape death. NEVER. Death is sitting on your shoulder ready to tap you anytime. That is what is so.

The real tragedy of your life is that you are tiptoeing ever so delicately through life (in order to avoid death) only to find that you arrive safely at death! And when you arrive there (at deaths door) you are confronted with the question: “Why did I not live fully? Why did I not create inspiring possibilities and seize them fiercely? And your are left with the awareness and feeling that “You could have chosen otherwise. You could have lived more courageously. You could have put your natural self-expression into the world. You could have chased your dreams.” At death, your are once again confronted with choice – you had say in the matter of your life, always.

The Past

Morpheus: “What happened, happened and could not have happened any other way.”

Do you get it? Do you get that your past is past, whatever happened, happened and could not have happened any other way? By all means ‘learn’ from the past. But there really is no value in getting stuck in the past, of beating yourself up, or beating others up. Get present to the profound, liberating, truth of Morpheus’ words. If you take this vantage point on your past then all the chains that keep you stuck in the past break apart instantly and you are totally free from the past, present to the present and in the clearing to create/project possibilities (that move-touch-inspire you) into the future.

Which is the more powerful way to live? Spend your day living in the past most likely complaining about how things turned out and/or beating yourself up? Or is it more powerful to let the past be in the past and so be present and live fully in the present with a total commitment to inventing and living possibilities that make it a joy to be alive? Once again you are confronted with choice. And in making that choice remember that Death is sitting on your shoulder ready to tap you anytime: you don’t get a second go, a second life!

Knowing v Acting (Doing)

Morpheus: There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

Look, get real! Knowing, knowledge really does not make a difference – not a tiny jot of difference. You can know all there is to know and if you do not act on that knowledge then what difference does it make in the real world? What is the value of knowing if you do not act on that knowledge so as to transform the quality of your life, your living? Get real, in the real world it is action (doing), ONLY ACTION, that impacts/influences/transforms the quality of your life and the world that is ready at hand. Let me put this differently, if you do not walk the path then of what value is ‘knowing the path’?

I know that you are hoping for miracles even if you are not aware that you are hoping for miracles. Buying more dieting books / attending more dieting courses are not going to make you slimmer or fitter. Being mindful, eating the right foods in the right quantity at the right times and exercising – action – that is what it will take for you to turn out slimmer and fitter. Hoping for better relationship with your spouse? How long have you been doing that? How has that turned out? What good has knowing done without the doing? Look your relationship with your spouse will only be different when you be/act differently, consistently!

Please get that we are living in an age addicted to the most useless artifact there is: information and knowledge. In the real world information/knowledge/knowing makes no difference. What makes the difference? How you are being and what you are doing (and not doing) every day of your life. You can continue to be the fool chasing information and knowing or you can be the ‘warrior’ that acts decisively to create/project/bring about possibilities that move-touch-inspire you – possibilities that manifest themselves as joy right now in your living. Once again you are confronted with choice – what choice will you make?

Enough for today. I will continue with this theme in a later post. Before I go, I want to leave you with a final quote, a final message, a final provocation to stir you out of your slumber of ‘fallenness’:

Morpheus: “I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.“

How would you experience living if you lived from this stand? I love me!

I walked into my daughter’s room and saw this morning and upon seeing it I marvelled at and simply have to share this with you:

How would our experience of living (individually and collectively) occur / show up for us if each and every one of us operated from this stand: I love me!!!

And loving ourselves would’nt we be more generous, more accepting, more considerate, more validating of all our fellow human beings?

And loving ourselves wouldn’t we put ourselves fully into the world as our natural self-expression?

And in doing that would we not create the space for our fellow human beings to do the same: love themselves, play full-out in the game of Life, put themselves in the world as their self-expression, Be just as they are and as they are not?

If I were to make any change to what daughter has written I would say the following, this would be my manifesto:

“I love me! And I love you! And I love him/her! And I love them! And I love us! Let’s ‘join hands and hearts’ and co-create a ‘world that works’, none excluded, where joy is present for each and every one of us!!”

What kind of transformation would occur, in your experience of living, if you were to join with me?

How about you? What would be your heart’s wish, your manifesto for your life and the world that you and I live in?

Son, is this who I am? Let me be truthful with myself and with you

A birthday card that makes me cry!

This month we celebrated my birthday and as usual the question was “What do you want for your birthday?”. As usual my answer was “I am blessed, I don’t need anything. Really, I don’t need anything. What I’d like is heartfelt, handmade card from you to me.” And that is what I got. The one that really captured my heart is this one:

When I read this card for the first time I was deeply touched and moved to tears. Every time I read this card I am deeply touched – the tears just flow down my cheeks. Great, this card makes me feel good. The deeper, more interesting, question, for me, is this one: “Is it true? Is this an accurate description of me?”

Who am i?

I am clear that “i” does not live up to the picture that my son paints. What do I mean by “i”? What / who am I pointing at/towards? When I use the term “i” I am pointing at the automatic machinery of human beings. The machinery that is always there, always running, and which runs me. What are the characteristics of this machinery, this “i”? In my case I associate the following with my “i”: selfish, critical, safety seeking, negative, impatient, intolerant, aggressive, unhelpful, manipulative, looking for approval, seeking admiration, lying, pretense, cowardly, focussed on me, me, me and my survival. Not a flattering picture is it? Yet, if I am to accept the picture painted by my son it occurs to me that I must also be present to and mindful of this aspect of me.

Who am I?

I am clear that who I am is not “i”. That is to say that I am clear that I am not my automatic machinery – the “i”. I am clear that I am the conscious, self-determining being, who declares that I am the author of my life. I am the person who totally gets “At all times, under all circumstances, I have the power to transform my life”. I am clear that I am the person who has invented and entered myself into ‘playing BIG’ of living an ‘extraordinary’ life, of being of service, of being a source of contribution, of co-creating a ‘world that works’ none excluded.

What does that mean for me, my living, my life?

To show up as the kind of person that my son writes about, is proud of, and loves it takes something. First, I have to be constantly mindful that the default condition of human existence is “i” and the game that goes with that ‘playing small’. Second, I have to create myself as the “I” that is committed to be ‘playing BIG‘; living an ‘extraordinary’ life; being of service / contribution to my fellow human beings; putting something into life; being a stand for a ‘world that works’ none excluded. Third, I have to keep “I” and the game that I is playing in existence. And a fundamental part of keep “I” and the game I is playing in existence is telling the truth.

So here is my truth for you my son. If I was as great as you say I am then your card would not mean anything to me. My truth is that often and frequently I am not being the person that you describe and that you are proud of. Yet, I am clear that my stand is to be the kind of person that you describe, that you are proud of, that you love. And living from that context I am deeply touched by your card and the the small contribution I have made to your life. Your act of kindness towards the beggar moves-touches me deeply and inspires me to be my Stand and play full out to be a source of contribution to you, our fellow human beings and Life itself. And within that context, falling short of the mark encourages me redouble my Being and my effort. I love you.

You can resurrect yourself, your life, any time you choose: why not do it right now?

As it is Easter the time when Christians acknowledge and celebrate the resurrection of Jesus I simply wish to acknowledge that I / You can resurrect ourselves, our lives at any moment. And any such resurrection is a choice (that you and I make) and that always occurs righ”t now. With that in mind I want to share with you (and get present to) a profound truth uttered by a master who travelled the ‘low path’ and thus had a masterful insight into the human condition:

“At all times, under all circumstance, we have the power to transform the quality of our lives.” Werner Erhard

Now that is an insight worth memorising and getting present to each and every day perhaps when you start the day by meditating. Before we move on simply want us to notice the following aspects of the quote:

ALL times and under ALL circumstances – not sometimes and under special circumstances;
Werner is speaking about our inner experience – how we experience our living, our life, how it shows up for us.

If you are embedded in ‘ordinary living’ then you will not relate to what Werner is saying – the fundamental truth that he is pointing out. No, you are going to think that he is deluded – he simply does not get the real world that you live in. Well lets listen to someone who has an intimate connection with the real world. His name is Viktor Frankl, he is a Jew, during WWII he spent a couple of years in the infamous concentration camps, he lost everyone that was near and dear to him, he saw many die in the concentration camps and he experience horrors that few of us will have every experience. Here is what Viktor has to say on the matter:

“It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”

“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”

Are you still missing the connection between the truth that Werner Erhard is point at? Then let me share and leave with you two quotes from Viktor that show what Werner is getting at:

“A human being is not one thing among others; things determine each other, but man is ultimately self-determining. What he becomes – within the limits of endowment and environment – he has made out of himself. In the concentration camps, for example, in this living laboratory and on this testing ground, we watched and witnessed some of our comrades behave like swine while others behaved like saints. Man has both potentialities within himself; which one is actualized depends on decisions but not on conditions.”

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Before you reach for your conditions, your circumstances as an excuse to escape from the responsibility to shape / live your life as the author of your life rather than a victim, I want to remind you that it was no picnic living in a concentration camp for two years! And living from those conditions, this is what Frankl writes / says:

“It is not freedom from conditions, but it is freedom to take a stand toward the conditions.”

Which brings me back, neatly, to what we started with:

“At ALL times, under ALL circumstances, we have the power to transform the quality of our lives.”

The question is are you going to choose and live your stand or are you going to get busy creating excuses and concocting reasons for continuing to ‘play small’, play ‘victim’ and hand over your freedom to conditions / circumstances? Your life, your choice.

Want to set yourself free and live powerfully? Let go of your beliefs….

Reality and our relationship to reality

What is real? What is our relationship to reality? Here is what Werner Erhard had to say on this matter:

“You don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground. Anybody who knew their ass from a hole in the ground could stand up and tell me how they know when something’s real.”

Let’s take a look, a closer look. Is the Sun real? Is the Moon real? Is that road real? Is that car real? Is that tree real? Are your hands real? Are your eyes real? Are your feet real? Have you noticed that those questions are easy to answer. Are you aware that you don’t ask yourself these questions? Do you notice that we don’t get into heated discussions about whether the sun exists or whether you have two feet? So why does Werner make the statement that he makes? Because you confuse beliefs (what we say is true, what we say is real) with truth/reality!

Beliefs and our relationship to our beliefs

Why do you and I need beliefs? Think about this deeply and you will see that we do not need to believe in the Sun, the Moon that car in front of you or your arms. Notice that what is real does not require a belief! Go further and you inevitably come to the conclusion: beliefs are simply statements about us, about people, about the world, that cannot be proven. Put differently when we enter the land of beliefs we are dreaming whilst being awake yet not present to the fact that we are dreaming. Belief land is fantasy land – it is the fantasy land that we have been granted by our culture, your parents, our schoolteachers, our media, our friends and it is also a land that we shaped by constructing our own beliefs.

We give up our freedom by constructing the bars of our prison through beliefs

Look we have established that reality does not need beliefs. We have also established that beliefs only arise when they are not supported by reality. That is to say beliefs arise and can exist only if there there is no evidence, in the real world, that confirms that beliefs. Lets go to the point: beliefs are superstitions!

What happens when we construct beliefs? We give up our zone of freedom. Allow me to illustrate:

I believe that I my religion is the only true religion. Consequence: I cannot be with, explore, learn from the other religions.

I believe that I am superior to you, know more, am better than you. Consequence: I will not enter into a real relationship with you, I will not listen to you, I will not learn from you, I will take on behaviours that are opposite of yours.

I believe that musical instruments, singing and dancing are the ‘devils work’. Consequence: I will not own/play a musical instrument nor sign nor dance. And I will segregate myself from people who do engage in the ‘devils work.

You get the idea. Every belief narrows down the zone of Possibility and of our relatedness and of our freedom to be, to participate in life, to live fully!

Now here is the really bizarre thing. When our fellow human beings show up and ‘challenge’ our beliefs we get upset, we sulk, we withdraw, we condemn, we get angry, we shout, we maim and we kill. That is how determined we are to keep ourselves enslaved. If we were sane, if we had a sound relationship to reality, we would welcome people who exposed our beliefs, our prison bars, and thus allowed us to set ourselves free.

Let go of your beliefs and set yourself free

We did not come into this world with beliefs, Once upon a time, you and I were in intimate contact with reality and simply flowed with it. And as such everything was permissible to us. Then little by lit we assimilated beliefs, constructed our prison bars and gave up that freedom we were born with .

You and I can reclaim our freedom right now by letting go of our beliefs. Every time we encounter a belief we can let it go – we can point at it and shout “Superstition”. Every time we do that we dismantle another prison bar and thus increase our zone of freedom. To do that we have to be willing to stand in a very different place: a place from which we see beliefs not as truths, nor as useful tools but as a prison bar that constricts our freedom.

Struggling with this? Please get to present to the fact that reality is reality and a belief is a belief. When our beliefs don’t match the reality then we suffer. Allow me to share a quote that I came across recently:

“My heart says people are inherently good, it is my experiences that speak differently.” Angela Sturm

When a wise person notices the mismatch between his beliefs and reality (what is so in terms of our experience) he gives up his belief. If you and I let go of beliefs and be with what is so we increase the ‘workability’ of our lives and thus minimise our ‘suffering’. This benefit is in addition to be reclaiming our freedom. Do you wish to be that wise person or do you wish to continue to be the fool? That is a choice for each one of us to make and live with.

How to live powerfully: replace beliefs with Stand, with Possibility

If I was Angela I would let go of the belief “People are inherently good”. Why? It is false – all beliefs are false! Instead I would recognise reality “Some people exhibit behaviours I say are ‘good’. Some people exhibit behaviours that I say are ‘bad’. The same person can exhibit both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviours.” Going further, I can let go of the belief and invent a Stand:

“I am Stand for recognising the good in people and calling that forth in my thinking, in my speaking, in my actions, my behaviour”.

Do you notice the power of the Stand? It is not a belief about me, about you, about our fellow human beings, about the world at large. No, the Stand is me creating / inventing my role in the drama called Life. It is a ‘call to arms’ that I give myself. Notice, that if people were already inherently good (and behaved good) then my Stand makes no contribution. By taking on this Stand I am calling forth / living out of the Possibility that I can impact how people show up in the world – ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

Do you want a concrete example of the difference between reality, belief and Stand/Possibility? Then watch this 4 minute YouTube clip of Viktor Frankl – Viktor explains the difference in a way that you will never forget. Why is he worth listening to? He wrote one of the most profound books (Man in Search of Meaning) when it comes to understanding of the human condition. And he survived the WWII concentration camps whilst losing everyone – all his family and friends. Yet, just listen to how he relates to people given his very real understanding of people:

What will be inscribed on your headstone? “something was left” or “used up!”

A funny story my physics professor told me

In the final year of my physics degree I told the professor that I was thinking of going into business upon graduation. On hearing this he told me this story:

“A wounded soldier is flown back to the USA. Due to the miracles of medicine the medics heal all kinds of wound and after some time the soldier is once again walking around. There is only one problem his brain is damaged and needs to be replaced. Luckily for this soldier the USA has pioneered the process of brain transpanting. The day comes when the soldier has to choose a brain.

The soldier is greeted by the surgeon. The surgeon tells him “We’ll do the transplant but you need to pay for the brain.” And then proceeds to show the soldier some brains (in vats). The soldier asks “How much is this brain?” The surgeon says “$500”. Then the soldier asks “How much is that brain?” The surgeon replies “$500,000!”.

Shocked at such a big difference in price for two brains that look identical, the solder asks “Why such a big difference in price?” The surgeon replies “The first brain belonged to a physicist and it has been heavily used. The second brain, well that belongs to a businessman – its never been used!””

Lets move from the brain to life – and death.

What will be inscribed on your headstone?

When you die and end up in grave what will be inscribed on your headstone:

Will your headstone read “Something left over” or will it read “All used up!”? Let’s listen to what Werner Erhard has to say on this. Here are his words:

“We’re willing to give up, to sacrifice, our own self expression. You see on your tombstone, what they are going to put on your tombstone, when you die? Something was left. And we don’t know what it is or was. See, they ain’t going to put on your tombstone: used up. Cause you ain’t going to get used up. Uh-uh! You’re going to save it, till prince Charming comes, then you’re going to give it. But not now, not here, not for this, not for what you got.

Most people are going to go to their grave with the sense that there was something in them that never got expressed. That there was something there, something of real value, something that could make a difference, something that could have been a contribution that just never got expressed. And most of us are going to our grave like that. Because we are willing to sacrifice our own full self expression for the avoidance of responsibility. To avoid the domination of taking on life like an opportunity……”

“Playing BIG” requires you, me, us to let go of the default

Let’s be clear the default setting is such that our headstone will read “something left over – had something of value to express, to contribute, and never expressed it, never put it into the game of life”. That is simply what is so. How does that sound to you? Is that how you want to live your life? Is that the legacy you want to leave behind?

How about gettting off our metaphorical backsides and being cause in the matter of our lives. How about a ‘Playing BIG’? How about being ALL used up by the time you arrive in your grave? Wondering what that looks like? Here is a wonderful quote from George Bernard Shaw:

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no ‘brief candle’ to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations.”

‘Playing BIG’, living an ‘extraordinary’ life is a choice that I, you, we, have to make and keep in existence knowing full well that we will meet all kinds of obstacles – they simply go along with choosing this path. They are essential to this path – they test our commitment, they are the fire that forges us from “the small man”, the “common man” to the “superman”.

Remember: not choosing this path (again and again and again) is choosing the default a life of ‘smallness’ and a tombstones that reads “something was left – something of value was never expressed!”

What shows up in our lives when we stand in the clearing called Possibility?

Possibility (or the lack of it) is what gives us being in the present

Possibility (the future we are living into) is what gives us Being (how we are being right now, what we are doing or not) in the present. What do I mean? Let’s take a look at Spring.

Spring has arrived in Berkshire and I notice that the people all around me – my family, my neighbours, the folks in the village – are smiling, their faces have lit up, they have a spring in their footstep. Why this dramatic change? What is is about Spring that has brought this on? Isn’t it the Possibility that we associate with Spring? The possibility of: being outdoors in a T-shirt’; of the sun kissing your face; of flowers blooming…..? Notice, how the Possibility associated with Spring is radically different to the Possibility associated with Winter.

What is possible?

I am not asking you a theortical question. I am asking you a personal question: what do you think is possible for you, for us, for life on this planet? Go deeper and ask yourself: “what is my relationship to Possibility?” Are you one of those who has an optimistic outlook on life (open to Possibility) or are you a pessimist (‘dead to Possibility’)? Now I ask you which game, if entered into fully, is more fun to play – ‘open to Possibility’ or ‘dead to Possibility’?

Do you want to reorient your relationship to Possibility? Then watch the following video (1 minute long) and see for yourself what was once considered impossible and today is simply taken for granted:

The music of Possibility: a moving, touching, inspiring example of Possibility

What is the Possibility for a baby born to ‘ordinary’ parents? Now, lets go further. What is the Possibility if you are that baby and I tell you that you are born without eyes? That narrows done that zone of Possibility somewhat, right? Lets, go further because the ‘bad news’ doesn’t stop there. What if I tell you that you are born such that you have a tightening of your limbs and joints that prevents them from every straightening? What Possibility is present for you? What is the future you are living into? Not much! Isn’t that what pretty much all of us would say without having to think. That is my point when it comes to Possibility most of us are wrong most of the time and yet we do not see it.

Allow me to share with you the Possibility that Patrick Henry Hughes and his father co-created, lived from and having been living into, and the results that have showed up for them, for their community and for us. Please watch this 5 minute video – I am confident that this will open up your world (your mind as to what is possible) and touch your heart:

My question for you?

What would show up in your life if you lived from Possibility rather than Impossibility? What would show up in your life if like Patrick Henry Hughes you did not accept the labels others put on you (and you have been putting on yourself)? What would show up if you moved from “disabilities”to “abilities”? What would show up if you gave up playing “victim” and became totally responsible for you life and played “god the creator”?

I invite you to get present to your living right now? Is joy present? Is self-expression present? Is vitality present? Is relatedness, connection, belonging present? Are they all present? If not then are you willing to be 100% responsible for what is so and is not so in your life? OK. Are you present to the cost of not living a life from the context of Possibility? Great then you are in the right place to to let go of your prejudices, your doubts, you fears to step into the clearing of Possibility and invent possibilities that move-touch-inspire you?

Remember

It is the future that you are living into that is giving you your being in the present (right now)! You can change your being by inventing a future that moves-touches-inspires you. All leadership starts with your self and the Possibilities that you envisage, commit to and play full out to bring them to fruition. The paradox is that it is the path that matters more than the outcome! Being on the path, wholeheartedly, is transformation. Enough for today.

9 practices for ‘playing BIG’ and living an ‘extraordinary life’

Please click on the following image to enlarge it so that you can read it more easily:

A powerful access ‘extraordinary living’: whole, complete and perfect

Before I share with you a powerful access to ‘extraordinary’ living I want to share with you what is so about ordinary living: the point of view that keeps is embedded in ordinary living and the price we pay.

Ordinary living: I am flawed, you are flawed

Dig into your experience, dive deep, and you will find that the culture tells you that you should be whole, complete, perfect. Yes, you should! Yet, the message that you (and I) have been getting from our parents, our school teachers, our colleagues, our media, our places of work, even our religions is that we are not whole, we are incomplete and we are imperfect. Christianity is the dominant religion in the Western world and what does it say? You are born a sinner and you have to seek redemption! That is exactly what most of us buy into and do yet we fail to find that redemption because we are no a fool’s errand, we have a mistaken view of us, of life (more later in the post).

When you look at yourself, relate to yourself, experience yourself, you (and I) see ourself as something like this:

What is the price that I pay, you pay, he pays, she pays? What is to like to know/feel/experience being not whole, not complete, imperfect when the culture around you spins the myth of perfection? I know what that is like. You know what that is like! He knows what it is like and she know what it is like. We keep that shame of imperfection hidden. We strive and strive and strive to be complete, to be perfect, to be whole. Yet, the way that we go about is guaranteed to keep us rooted to being incomplete, broken, faulty, worthless, inferior, imperfect. If you sense of wholeness / perfection is tied to your partner then what happens when your partner becomes unhappy with you, starts an affair, or leaves you? If your sense of wholeness / perfection is tied to your job then what happens when you lose your job? If it is tied to your wealth then what happens when you lose your wealth or are in danger of losing it?

The price that we pay is the cost of wearing a mask. We can never put ourselves in the world as we are – we give up self-expression. We can never build genuine human bonds – the cost is genuine relatedness with our fellow human beings. We can never relax into the world – the cost is shows up as alcoholism, drug taking, stress, disease and an early death. Right?

Access to ‘extraordinary’ living: “I am whole, complete, perfect – just as I am and I am not. You are whole, complete, perfect – just as you are and just as you are not”

Look into Buddhism and you get a central insight into the human condition: we cause our suffering by living from/into an incorrect/false view of ourselves and the world. The false view is that I, you, he, she, they, we are broken, incomplete, imperfect!

The correct, the right, view is that I am whole, complete and perfect, just as I am and just as I am not. There is nothing to add and nothing to take away! And that applies to everyone of us. Sound philosophical to you? It is. Let me make it more concrete to you – take a look at the diagram below:

Do you see it? Do you see / get the beauty of what is so? Look at the diagram again. If you look at each shape in isolation you can easily say that it is incomplete, imperfect, something missing – none of the shape are a square or a circle! Now look at the picture as a whole – how the shapes connect to make a beautiful figure. And the figure is never completed! No matter how big it grows the design allows more and more piece to connect. The design of the design is connection! You only get this when you stop looking at one individual piece and start looking at the whole show. Sound abstract? Think about an orchestra – you can zoom into only one member of the orchestra or you can use a wide angle lens and see the whole orchestra. Both are there! Each individual member of the orchestra and the orchestra itself.

Here is the truth of our design, of our situation, our existence on this planet: we are social beings: you, me, they, we, have been designed for connection – we are perfectly designed for connection. We have whole, complete and perfect for connecting with our fellow human beings. Think about language and the connection it enables: I see you, you matter, you make a difference, your existence matters to me, you contribute, I love you. Neuroscience tells us that we have mirror neurons: I see you crying and seeing you crying, my mirror neurons enable me to feel/get your experience and thus I have the access to connect with you.

Look around you, look around you, wherever you want in the world. What do you see? People live with one another, people live next to one another, people work together, people trade with another. Now think about this, you are invited to party you are told how amazing it will be – the food, the drinks, the place (say Hawaii or whatever your favourite place), the music will be just so, exactly they way you want it. Can you imagine yourself at this party? How delightful does it feel? There is catch to this party. No other human being will be present. The drinks and the food will be served by robots. The dj taking care of the music will also be a robot. How excited are you now? Are you going to that party? No, right? That is the truth of our being, our design, that we do not see and we are not encouraged to see. Hell for us is solitary confinement: have you ever wondered why this is the harshest punishment meted out in prison? Because the prison guards gets what is so – the truth of our design as human beings. People matter to us. People contribute to us. We are only human when we are connected to, contributing to, one another.

A movie recommendation: The Way

Are you up to getting present to what I am speaking about? I recommend that you watch “The Way”: Michael Sheen plays Tom, an American doctor who comes to France to collect the remains of his dead son, killed in the Pyrenees while walking The Camino de Santiago. Driven by profound sadness, and desire to understand his son better, Tom decides to embark on this historical pilgrimage. Tom navigates this 800km journey and soon meets others around the world, all looking for greater meaning in their lives. This is a moving, inspiring movie that provides a powerful access to the human condition and our greatness.

And Finally

If you are still wondering about your greatness then let me repeat: our greatness is that we are whole, complete and perfectly designed for reaching out, connecting, uplifting, healing, completing one another and generating a beautiful pattern called life on Earth. I leave you with this picture to ponder – it is visual metaphor for our lives:

I thank you for your listening. The context from which I am living my life is “I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter, let’s live extraordinary lives and co-create a world that works, none excluded”. Are you up for joining me? You Matter, your answer matters and shapes our world that we share! I love you. I hope you will join me.

Live a life of freedom: dismantle the prison bars by dismantling positions that limit

Live is full of experiences – some of them painful

Come take a walk with me down memory lane. Imagine that you are around 7 years of age, it is autumn, it is cold, you have just got off the school bus and you are walking home with you school bag slung over your shoulders. After a five-minute walk you are happy to arrive home. You knock on the door. To your surprise, your father opens the door instead of your mother. You and your father don’t get along so you are already a little anxious.

There is a problem: you want to get into the house and your father doesn’t let you. There he is, a big strong man, standing at the door and refusing to let you in. “Why?” you ask and he says something like “This is not your home. You are not my son. You’re not allowed to come in, go away!” You are only 8 years old, you are puzzled, wondering what is going on here. So you ask “Where’s my mum?” and your father tells you she is not at home. So you wonder what has happened to your mother – you love your mother.

Puzzled, cold, frightened you plead with your father to let you in: you tell him that you are his son, that this is your home and you plead with him to let you in. He stands his ground insisting that this is not your home and that you not his son. This goes on for something like 10 minutes. Then something changes for you – tears flow down your cheeks as you turn around and walk back the way that you came.

Lets stop for a minute. You the 8 year old child, walking away from home, what do you say to yourself? Take a moment, given your experience, what is the conversation that you are having with yourself as you are walking away with tears running down your cheeks?

Here is the position that I took and the prison I entered into

I am that 7 year old child walking away thinking that I am all alone. As I walk I tell myself that I will never see my mother again: maybe she is dead, maybe she has left and taken my brother with her. I wonder where is my brother, will I ever see him again? Then it hits me: how am I going to survive? Who can I count on to help me, to look after me, to care for me? My mother! But she is not here and I don’t know where she is.

What would you say to yourself, if you were in my shoes, experiencing what I am experiencing, speaking what I am speaking to myself?

Here is what I said. From somewhere I heard these words spoken with absolute confidence: “There is nobody that I can count on to help me. That’s OK, I’ll count on myself. I will survive, no matter what it takes, and I will find my mother and my brother. I don’t need anyone, I can do this by myself!” Repeating these words, the tears dried up, my back stiffened and fierce resolve took hold. That is the day the 7 year old child gave up his childhood and became a ‘man’.

Every position has a payoff

I didn’t just speak those words. I became convinced that my speaking was a truth about myself, people and the world. And from then onwards my living, my life was shaped by that position. What do I mean? I wouldn’t say that I did not ask anyone for anything, I would say that I never asked anyone for anything that mattered and they might say no. No way, was I going to repeat the experience that I had experienced with my father. No way was I going to allow people to let me down and upset me.

So from the age of 7, I stopped asking for and expecting any help from anyone. I was the hero of my life and I was going to do it all myself: I dived into the Greek legends full of heroes and heroism – I read these legends every day. I got totally absorbed with Alistair MacLean novels – full of heroes, villans, adventure. I stopped showing any weakness and focussed relentlessly on doing well. And by the age of 30 I attained everything that I set out to attain: I had my own flat that I loved; I was being paid a great salary and had lots of money; I was driving a BMW; I had my own office; and I was managing businesses

Every position has a cost

The position I took at the age of 7 sounds marvellous doesn’t it. Look at the fruits it delivered: money, status, power, possessions… Don’t fool yourself and don’t be fooled, every position has a cost: imagine each position as a stick with one end being the payoff and the other end being the cost – a stick always has two ends. So what was the cost?

The cost was that I was alone. I stood alone, always. I relied on no-one and I never asked anyone for anything. I always had to be strong, I could never be weak: if any signs of vulnerability, of weakness showed up then I despised myself and stamped upon these weaknesses. How did that show up? I had a small circle of friends that I had made at university and loved (Tim, Jim, Dave, Andy, John, Simon) and I was distant from just about everyone else. It would be fair to say that whilst people valued my efficacy then did not want to party with me. I was lonely whenever I was not occupied with work and personal development.

Ah, personal development, that was my religion – relentlessly focussed on learning and developing myself. That had come in handy and delivered the fruits and yet in the process I had become addicted: there was always something more to learn, something to change/improve about myself….. What did I do with my free time and money? Spend it on personal development as I had be stronger, more capable, more resilient – after all I am on my own right and I have to face the whole world!

How to dismantle your positions and why I will never forget Karl

I, you, the self is made up of many positions, we call them beliefs. During my participation in Landmark Education courses I got present to and let go of many of my positions (the prison bars that construct the self) and thus opened myself up to freedom and self-expression that I had never experienced before. Yet, there was one position, the one I have shared with you here, that I would not let go of. That was until the day that I chose to step out of my position.

I was participating in the ILP course. To get certified, to achieve the outcome, I had to do a whole bunch of stuff. I was committed to achieving the outcome and the issue was that I was struggling with the ‘bunch of stuff’ that I had to do. The more I insisted on doing it myself, not asking for help, the more I struggled and the more I fell behind. Finally, out of desperation, and at the insistence of my coach I asked for help. No help came: the first person was busy; the second person was busy; the third person I could not get hold of; the fourth person was busy…. I had left it too late – to the very last minute to ask for help and all of these coaches were busy helping others who had asked for their help. What did I make it mean? How stupid of me to listen to my coach and ask for help: hadn’t life taught me that I couldn’t count on anyone else!

Shortly thereafter, I was assisting at a Landmark seminar – setting up the room so that it was just so. One of the people doing that work was a chap called Karl. Karl and I got talking and in that talking I shared what I was doing with/at/via Landmark. When he found out that I was on the ILP course he told me that he had gone through it. He asked me about how I was doing. I told him the truth – I am good at being straight with myself and others.

To my shock, Karl volunteered to help me. That’s right, he volunteered to help me, without me asking. Karl set aside a full day – a full day – of his time to coach me and coach me he did. Again and again and again: we started the work around 10am and we finished around about 7pm. I expected the work to last about 2 – 3 hours. The love oozed out of Karl – he was patient, he was demanding, he was ruthless and behind it all was love.

When I was getting ready to leave, I gave Karl a big hug and thanked him for his contribution to my life. He had helped me to dismantle the position that had run my life to that day. Karl had shown me that my position was false. I can count on people to help me, I do not have to do it all on my own and I cannot do it all on my own. And I experienced joy in doing the work with Karl – collaborating with a fellow human being. Karl thanked me. Yes, he thanked me for spending the day with him. “What? I have taken a day of your life and you are thanking me! What is going on here? Are you simply being polite?” Karl told me that life had been a struggle for the last six months or so – some days he had found it hard to get out of bed. He had lost his job, his marriage had fell apart, his wife had taken the children with her and he only got to see them at weekends…..

Then Karl told me something that opened up my world, offering me an opening to asking for help from a context that I had never considered. What did Karl say? Karl told me that me asking for his help, being open to his help, taking his coaching for the whole day it allowed him to experience being worthwhile. Our interacting had impacted us both deeply. I was not the only one who had dropped a position that curtailed my freedom and locked me into prison, Karl had done the same. Through our interexperiencing Karl let go of his position that he was a failure, that he had nothing worthwhile to contribute. Instead, he experienced being useful and powerful – the Karl that he used to experience himself as.

Putting in place a more powerful position

What happens when you take out all the old furniture from your living room / lounge and send it away? You are left with an empty room, right? What happens with this empty room? It gets full again – either all in one go or in little steps. Right?

The same applies to the human mind and positions. So the trick is to replace old positions that limit you and your freedom and replace them with powerful positions that provide you with freedom and self-expression. What did I do? I replaced the position “I can’t count on anyone so there is no point in asking anyone for anything; I’ll do it all by myself” with:

“I will ask people for their help whenever I need help and sometimes when I do not need the help. I will give people an opportunity to contribute to me and in so doing I am contributing to them: allowing them to get present to being useful, being powerful, being worthwhile, being great human beings.”

How powerful is that? For me, powerful.

Question for me, for you, for us

Am I, are you, are we willing to search for, examine, let go of the positions(beliefs, fixed points of view, decisions) that limit us, that restrict us, that are the bars of the prison we construct around ourselves? And replace them with positions that provide the context for freedom, self-expression, joy and power: the power to create the life / the world that we are up for living in? I know where I stand. What about you? Are you up for a life of freedom, self-expression, joy and living powerfully?

I thank your for your listening and I love you: I know, that like me, you are a soul whose intentions are good and underneath all the muck you are a ‘god’. Do you get that? Really, do you get that?

Given ordinary living (‘playing small’) failure is certain – here is the way out of the trap

The predictable future of ‘playing small’ : failure

I came across this fantastic TED talk ‘Why you will fail to have a great career’. I don’t like the title. It would title it ‘Why you will fail to create and live a great life’. There is a way out of this trap. Like Buddha said life is suffering until you get the suffering and the conditions that cause that suffering. When you get that then you can escape the trap if you wish to. Back to this fabulous TED talk: I urge you to be compassionate with yourself, watch it attentively.

TED: why you will fail to have a great career

How to break free of the trap, how to ‘play BIG’

There really is no secret to breaking free of the trap other than seeing that trap and getting present to where it will lead. Just imagine that your mission, the reason you came into this world, was to flower as yourself. No-one on this Earth was ever like you nor will anyone ever be like you. You are unique. You were given the privilege of life to flower. You went through the motions of life and yet you never flowered as yourself. You squandered your inheritance. And on your deathbed, on your last breath, you get present to that. How does that feel? Would you wish you had a second chance – to live again and do it right? Yes?

The access to ‘playing BIG’ is getting present to your passion AND getting present to the cost of not pursuing your passion. The cost of not pursuing your passion is a ‘passionless’ life. What shows up in such a life: the lack of joy that is present in your living. That is the acid test. If in your living, joy is missing, then you are not pursuing your passion. And slowly this kind of life destroys you from the inside. Yes, you have security, safety, money, status, comfort, privilege. The cost: giving away the source of joy which makes life an experience worth repeating again and again. Enough – at this point you get it or you don’t get it, that is OK. When you are ready you will get it: I was asleep for about 10 years before I got it, again.

If you took this visualisation seriously, really entered into and played into it full out and your answer is yes then you might want to read the following. Then memorise it so that you know it by heart. And recite this to yourself every day: when you wake up, when you go for lunch, when you eat your evening meal, when you go to sleep. Breathe it, live it.

If you want to buy this poster than you can do so by clicking here.

I love you and thank you for your listening. Whatever life you choose, choose it!

Are you ready to face the scariest truth of all? You matter

Intentionally blind to the truth of our existence?

I am blind to something and if you are like me then you are likely to be blind to something. Why am I blind to this particular truth? Because, to get present to this truth leaves me no excuses. When I, you, we get present to this truth there are no escape routes. I, you, we become responsible for a ‘world that does not work’ and then the usual avenues of excuses and complaining are closed to us. For most of us that burden is so heavy to bear that we go about absolutely convinced of the opposite of what is so. Before I share this truth with myself and with you let me share with you what is so in the taken for granted, ordinary, mode of being.

The ordinary mode of existence: I am puny, I do not matter, I am not responsible

In our day to day existence we tell ourselves that we do not make a difference. That’s right we feel small, we occurs to ourselves as being insignificant in comparison to the powers that matter, that shape the world. We are puny in comparison to; the nation states; the institutions of the nation state including government, judiciary, the police; the global corporations that often wield more power than many nation states; and the media which decides that which gets attention and what gets ignored.

Take a look at the picture. Do you not see yourselves as one of those small dots – one amongst an ocean of small dots surrounded by, subservient to the powers that be? And do you not just give up – go with the flow, accepted practice, doing you best to fit into the way that the world is. If you have more gumption, more intelligence, you may make the effort to carve out a place for yourself in the world where you can simple be – rather like a hermit or a warlord, depending on your disposition.

Seeing ourselves so puny do we (you and I) not comfort ourselves with the notion that we ‘victims’ of the way that the world is? Do we not say that the way it is has nothing to do with us? Do we not escape any and all responsibility to do with the way that it is and the way it is not? And as such we can comfort ourselves saying the world may be ‘bad’ but we are ‘good’?

A funny thing happened in the office recently

I turned up at the office recently and talking with a member of leadership team I was confronted with what is so and I do not wish to face. What exactly am I talking about? I was told that my presence in the office was missed! He was telling me that it matters (to him, to the leadership team, to the company) whether I am present in and work out of the office. My automatic reaction? What are you talking about? I don’t matter to you, to the leadership team, to the company! I do matter to my clients and I take care of my clients – I make sure that I take care of my clients.

Then it hit me. How many times have I been told that I matter? How many people have told me that I matter? How many people have told me that I have changed their lives simply by being me and doing what I naturally do? What is my response – what goes on in my mind? Sometimes I discount what I am told, other times I am simply embarrassed and most of the time it is both. My reaction? “You cannot be talking about me. I am ordinary. I make no difference. You are just being nice. No, you cannot be serious, I’m just an ordinary fellow getting through life as best as I can.” Outwardly, I simply say “Thank you”. The conversation finishes, I am glad it is over and so I can forget about it.

‘Extra-ordinary’ living: I matter and I take the stand that I am responsible for EVERYTHING as it is and as it is not

I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter! Through our speaking and our acting – including that which we do not speak of and that which we do not do – we influence, shape and create the world we live in. Why is that? Because, our existence is like a wave that ripples and touches many others. We are waving all the time and so we are touching others all the time. Contrary, to our beliefs and our cultural worldview, we are NOT particles. No, we are waves: we are constantly touching others and being touched by others; we influence others and they influence us – all the time. This influence extends to our death – we touch others through our dying. And even beyond the grave we touch others with the legacy that we have left – either through action or inaction. Allow me to share a quote with you:

“We cannot be deceived. Men can and do destroy the humanity of other men, and the condition of this possibility is that we are interdependent. We are not self contained monads producing no effects on each other except our reflections. We are both acted upon, changed for good or ill, by other men; and we are agents who act upon others to affect them in different ways. Each of us is the other to the other. Man is a patient-agent, agent-patient, interexperiencing and interacting with his fellows.” RD Laing, The Politics of Experience

It matters:

whether I work here at home, with my clients at their offices or at the offices of the company I work for;
whether I look my fellow human beings in their eyes and smile;
whether I choose to let one of my fellow human beings cut into the main road from a side road given that I have the priority;
whether I cycle to work or drive a gas guzzling car to work;
whether I help the old man in the start that has fallen over and is lying on the pavement;
whether and how I speak to you when we encounter each other in the office;
where and how I spend my money..

EVERYTHING I, you, we speak or do not speak matters; EVERYTHING I, you, we do or do not do matters; EVERYTHING we focus or do not focus our time-money-effort on matters. I, you, we matter, ALL THE TIME. That is simply what goes with existing – being a part of the pattern called life.

EVERY action or inaction, no matter how small matters: we live in a non-linear world where small changes can have a huge impact. The ‘Butterfly’ principle shows that in the world as it is EVERYTHING is interconnected, interdependent AND a miniscule change, action, like a butterfly flapping its wings can change the weather half way across this planet.

Now more than ever I, you, we are enormously important and powerful. It is easier than ever for each SINGLE one of us to change the world. The internet, mobile telephony and social media allow us to come together and effect change in the world.

Two great examples of the impact we can make if we choose to make it

The first is our fellow human beings, in Brazil, putting their humanity into action and saving 30 stranded, in pain, dying dolphins. Their actions matter – notice that it started with one person moving from the beach into the sea and this set the cue for others to follow, to join in. And that video has been viewed over 2 million times.

People in Brazil save 30 beached dolphins:

The second video is part of the most talked about social campaign in existence today. It has been viewed over 69 million times and as a result Joseph Kony is now a well known name.

Kony2012:

Final question: am I, are you willing to give up the delusion and live as ‘gods’ and shoulder the responsibility that comes with that?

I matter, you matter, they matter, we matter – that is simply what is so and it is even more so now, today, than any other time in our history. Our delusion is that we think, we believe and we go about our living from the context that “I am insignificant, I am puny, I do not matter. So I can do whatever I want as it has no impact on anyone else.” We do not leave it there. We add a fool’s errand on top of this delusion, actually it is only possible if this delusion is there as the foundation. What is this fool’s errand?

Fools errand: being deluded that I am puny, I am in signficant, I do not matter, I set about doing all manner of stuff to prove to myself, to you, to my work colleagues, to the world that I do matter. Hey look I matter, I am important, I am significant. Look at my job title. Look at my big, new house. Look at my latest, expensive car. Look at my clothes. Let me tell you where I went on holiday this year……

I can give up the fool’s errand and so can you. You and I can face up to the scariest (and most powerful) truth of all: you matter, I matter, we matter all the time. Everything that we do or do not do has an impact (especially now in the days of the internet and social media) and because of that you and I are 100% responsible for EVERYTHING that is so and is not so in this world. What an awesome responsibility that is. What an awesome opportunity that is. What an awesome context to operate from! And this context provides the access to live a transformed life.

The story

What is the meaning of this story?

Final thought

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What am I to be, to do, to have in this world?

“It’s all made up!”

Being with the herd does not make you ‘right’, going away from the herd does not make you ‘wrong’

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The illusion of individuality

It takes real inner strength to be kind when there is no permission, no agreement, for kindness

To simply be yourself is the greatest accomplishment

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Karl Jaspers on failure

When I look at my life it occurs to me that I have failed in so many ways

I have failed does that mean I am a failure?

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Ordinary living: we play ‘victim’, we avoid responsibility for what is so and what is not so, we are left complaining

‘Extraordinary’ living: what is the access to living powerfully, living a transformed life?

Responsibility: is the access to being powerful and living an ‘extraordinary’ life?

Accountability: the access to joy, fearlessness, energy and satisfaction?

Integrity: why it matters and the price we pay when we give it up

Making a difference: what does it take to make a difference?

Summing it up

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Do you really want your life to work?

People matter – are central to the quality of our life, right?

What is the greatest gift you can grant another?

What is the greatest gift you can give yourself?

My guarantee to you and my challenge for you

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Ordinary living: love as finding someone special and ‘being in love’

Extraordinary living: Clea Iqbal speaks a forgotten ‘truth’

About Clea Iqbal

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‘Ordinary’ living: judging, embracing, rejecting what shows up

‘Extraordinary’ living: be with what shows up

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Choice

Death

The Past

Knowing v Acting (Doing)

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A birthday card that makes me cry!

Who am i?

Who am I?

What does that mean for me, my living, my life?

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Reality and our relationship to reality

Beliefs and our relationship to our beliefs

We give up our freedom by constructing the bars of our prison through beliefs

Let go of your beliefs and set yourself free

How to live powerfully: replace beliefs with Stand, with Possibility

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A funny story my physics professor told me

What will be inscribed on your headstone?

“Playing BIG” requires you, me, us to let go of the default

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Possibility (or the lack of it) is what gives us being in the present

What is possible?

The music of Possibility: a moving, touching, inspiring example of Possibility

My question for you?

Remember

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Ordinary living: I am flawed, you are flawed

Access to ‘extraordinary’ living: “I am whole, complete, perfect – just as I am and I am not. You are whole, complete, perfect – just as you are and just as you are not”

A movie recommendation: The Way

And Finally

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Live is full of experiences – some of them painful

Here is the position that I took and the prison I entered into

Every position has a payoff

Every position has a cost

How to dismantle your positions and why I will never forget Karl

Putting in place a more powerful position

Question for me, for you, for us

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The predictable future of ‘playing small’ : failure