We go about living as if life is simple. We assume that life is black and white. We assume that reality and truth is one dimensional, and not multi-dimensional. We assume that we can access ultimate reality and truth. We asume that the way that we see it and speak it, is that way that it is. And we are oblivious to these assumptions. As such, we show up in the world and operate from these assumptions. In doing so we generate conflict, we fracture relationships, and we hinder our ability to be effective in the world as it is.
Is there an alternative? Yes, there is and it starts with getting a profound truth about our existence in this world. It is the kind of truth that is pointed out in the following parable:
The Mulla Nasruddin [a wise fool in sufi teaching stories] was sitting court one day. A husband and wife came to the court to settle the matter of who should be in charge of their son’s education. The wife argued that she should be given sole custody, giving many fine reasons to support her view. Mulla Nasruddin said, “You are absolutely correct!” Then the husband spoke to defend his position. In response, Mulla Nasruddin exclaimed, “You are absolutely correct!”. Immediately, a cleric in the back of the court stood up and cried out, “Nasruddin, they both can’t be right!” To which Mulla Nasruddin replied, “You are absolutely correct!”
Is it possible that each and everyone of us has some access to truth? Is it possible that there is some truth in everything? Is it possible that despite our best efforts all we can ever arrive at is some approximation to truth? And what would be possible if each and everyone of us showed up in the world being present to and living these questions?
When you and I came forth from this world we came forth naked. Totally naked: without any and all labels. No name, no gender, no nationality, no religion, no politics…
So how did you and I end up with such a strong identity? An identity that grips us. An identity that permeates us. More accurately, identity that is us. It simply happened didn’t it as we travelled through the years with people, from one place to another? Would it be correct to say that the foundations of my identity, your identity, our identity was solidly in place before you and I were in a place to choose, to discriminate, to accept or decline the garments of identity thrust upon us by our parents, family, caregivers?
I ask you to take a good look at the core of your identity? What do you see? Do you see ‘man’, ‘woman’, ‘American’, ‘Brit’, ‘christian’, ‘muslim’, ‘atheist’, ‘painter’, ‘mom’, ‘CEO’, ‘marketer’….? Please go and look beyond that. What do you see?
If you look deep enough and have the courage to see, to listen, I say that you are most likely to find that the core of your identity is that of ‘being defective’. Is that not our common humanity at the most fundamental level? You and I see ourselves as ‘defective’, as ‘not good enough’, as ‘something is wrong about me’. Right? I get that my version of defective may be that ‘I am not good looking’ and that ‘my body is weak’ and that ‘stupid’. Your identity might be that you are ‘too tall’, ‘too fat’, ‘too shy’, ‘not considerate enough’, ‘poor’… Do you notice that the details differ and the bigger game is the same between us? I am defective: I am not whole, I am not complete, I am not perfect.
You and I were born without identity, born naked of all labels, born naked full stop. Naked! So how did you go from no identity, and the lightness and freedom that goes with that, to carrying the huge burden that goes with operating from the stance ‘I am not whole, not complete, not perfect’? We were programmed. Why? So that we would fit in with the existing order. So that we would better comply with the wishes of those more powerful than us. Right?
How is it working out? Put differently, what is the experience of my life, your life, lived from the context of ‘not whole, not complete, not perfect’? It is that of looking for all kinds of way to be whole, be complete, be perfect. That is what all the self-help books are about, right? That is what all the status brands and conspicuous consumption is about, right? That is what all the pre tense of being perfect and having a perfect life is all about, right?
I say to me, to you, to us, what fools we are! We can simply give up the game. We can give it up right now, just like that. How exactly? Notice, that we were born naked, without labels, without identity. Notice, that identity is a choice. You and I can choose to live from another identity, another context. Which one? Where I declare myself as ‘whole-complete-perfect’, and you declare yourself as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Let’s not stop there. Let’s declare all of our fellow human beings ‘whole-complete-perfect’.
Imagine how life would show up if you and I did declare ourselves as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Imagine how life would be if you and I declared each and every human being as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Not as a truth but as an identity that we give ourselves. And as a stand from which we show up and operate from this world. When we relate to ourselves and our fellow human beings as ‘whole-complete-perfect’ a totally new dimension of conversation and action shows up for us; you, me, everyone. We stop being small! We are free to be BIG: to give wings to our dreams, to act on the world, to co-create a world that works, a world that is wonderful for us all.
Given that we come forth naked of identity, why is it that we have not been conditioned to believe and operate from stand-identity of being at our most fundamental level ‘whole-complete-perfect’? If we had been conditioned that way, we would operate as ‘gods’ right? What if those that condition don’t want ‘gods’ and instead want ‘slaves’ who do not know that they are enslaved? Then giving us the identity of being ‘defective and weak’ would make perfect sense. So I say choose: slave or god.
Still convinced that you know yourself? Still convinced that you are defective, small, weak, and powerless? I invite you to watch the following video:
I like to be right about being right about being right….
Am I addicted to being right about being right?
It occurs to me that I have just told a lie, so let me put it more accurately.
I am addicted to being right,
I am addicted to being right about being right,
I am addicted to being right about being right about being right …
Are we addicted to being right about being right?
I say that you are addicted to being right. Why am I confident that what shows up as being true for me is also true for you? Because you and are both human beings; the same human machinery runs us. Standing in this place it occurs to me that I still haven’t told the ‘truth’. So let me see if I can get nearer to the truth. I say:
It is in the nature of the human machinery that runs us,
to be addicted to being right,
And being right about being right,
And being right about being right about being right ….
What is the cost of being right about being right?
Yet, you and I are not merely human machinery. We have the capacity to transcend the human machinery. How? By seeing the human machinery. By being present, at the level of feeling, with the cost of the human machinery. Right now I am present to the cost of being right about being right …..
What is the cost? The cost is the lack of affinity between myself and me wife. The cost is a certain melancholy that is present right now in my house of being. The cost is a wasted evening yesterday. And a day without intimacy-friendship-laughter-joy today.
The choice facing me, facing you
I have a question for me, for you, for us. What is the cost each of us have paid for being right? What is the cost each of us have paid for being right about being right? How many relationships have we sacrificed? How much affinity have we given up? How much joy have we given up?
And what is the cost am I, are you, are we, paying right now for being right about being right?
All of which reminds me of something I heard in Landmark Education some 10 years ago:
We are given to search for recipes, formulas, instructions, and methods. And there is a place for recipes and formulas. If I am new to baking a cake then having a recipe at hand makes a difference. If I need to get from A to B then the GPS will provide me with the step by step instructions to get from A to B, most of the time.
When it comes to life itself recipes, formulas, instructions and methods don’t work that well. At best they are hit and miss. I am not you, you are not me. And neither you nor I can step into the same river twice: we are not the same, the river is not the same. What works for me may not work for you. What occurs as being a good fit for me may not be a good fit for you. What leaves me inspired may not leave you inspired.
When it comes to living an authentic life, or living powerfully, or living an ‘extraordinary’ life questions are the access. With the context set, I invite you to listen to Arnold Schwarznegger. Why? Because, he puts forth one of the most powerful questions for inventing a life, an authentic life, a life that matters, a transformed life. This video is only 3-4 minutes and is packed with wisdom.
You and I have been conned. What have we been conned out of? We have been conned into living out of a certain story about ourselves and the world. It is story that says there is right and wrong. It is a story that there is good and bad. It is a story that say the way that it is is the way that it is. And that we are small and powerless to influence-shape-change-transform the way that it is.
It is story that educates-programs us into believing that life is about figuring out how to survive. And get ahead. It is story that tells us that there are rules to follow. And secret recipes. That the way to be is to figure out the rules and follow them. To fit into the box that is society-world. And that the way to get ahead is to access the secret recipes and use them to rise to the top of the box. So that we can dominate rather than be dominated.
There really is no space for ease-beauty-love-acceptance-joy-creative expression. There is no space in this story for putting a “dent in the universe”. And if we should share our dreams of putting a dent in the universe we are shot down quickly and aggressively.
Yes, we are small. But only if we buy into the story that we are small. Yes, we are powerless but only if we buy into the story that we are powerless. Yes, our lives are about surviving-fixing-approval-getting ahead but only if we buy into the story that our lives are about surviving-fixing-approval-getting ahead.
From time to time people have turned up to remind us that we can choose to play BIG. That showing up in the world as small or BIG is a choice. A choice that we make – every instant, every day. And as such we can choose to change our choice. These people remind is that life is ALWAYS created. It is the way that it is because we create the way that it is. They remind us of a fundamental truth our world is created by us. It has not stood still. Why? Because some of us have not bought into the myth that we are small and powerless. And have acted to influence-shape the world. To make a dent in the universe.
I leave you with this revolutionary short talk by Steve Jobs. A person who set out to make a “dent in the universe” and did so.
Here is the transcript which I recommend memorising by heart. And living every day:
When you grow up, you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world, try not to bash into the walls too much, try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money.
That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader, once you discover one simple fact, and that is that everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.
And the minute that you understand that you can poke life and actually something will, you know if you push in, something will pop out the other side, that you can change it, you can mold it. That’s maybe the most important thing. It’s to shake off this erroneous notion that life is there and you’re just gonna live in it, versus embrace it, change it, improve it, make your mark upon it.
Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.
It is easy for me to say that I care. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy for me to reassure you that everything will be fine. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy to tell you what to do. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy to go out and buy stuff for you. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy for me to give you money. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy for me to fix it for you. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
Genuine listening is the foundation of caring and relationship
I thank you for teaching me that listening is caring. What kind of listening? When I listen to you as person of worth. When I listen to you as person who matters. When I stop everything that I am thinking-speaking-doing and sit there. Sit there doing what? Being a listening for you – wherever you are at, whatever you are thinking, whatever you are feeling, whatever you are needing, whatever you are requesting of me and the world
When through my listening I create a space for you to show up and express yourself fully. To speak that which is there to be spoken. Then you feel gotten. And when you feel gotten you feel connected with me and vice versa. When you feel connected you feel loved. When you feel loved you feel that you matter, that you are safe, that you have a safe platform to take risks.
It occurs to me that if each of us provided empathic listening to the people closest to us, at home, at work, in the local community, then our experience of living would be transformed and collectively we would end up transforming the world.
I invite you to join me in being a source of empathic listening. Being a stand for empathic listening. Just listening: not reassuring, not advising, not telling, not fixing…. just empathic listening of one heart to another heart.
Oh and I get that it is hard. And is it not that way for the baby that struggles to walk. Does the baby give up each time s/he falls? Does the baby stay content with just crawling just because s/he falls down and hurts herself? Just about everything shows up as hard until it becomes us and then it is easy even automatic.
If you are wondering what I am making such a big fuss about then I leave you with this quote from Dorothy Moore:
When you ask someone when was the last time a person listened to you, they often can’t even give you an answer. Listening, really listening, is the key to caring!
Laurence Platt over at Conversations For Transformation (Inspired by the Ideas of Werner Erhard) has written a fabulous piece: The Illusion of I. Here I simply wish to share with you the two paragraphs which occur as being particularly enlightening about life:
Try this on for size: the world doesn’t work when run as a “you or me” world. It’s not designed to be run that way. And if we unknowingly try to run it as a “you or me” world when it clearly doesn’t work as a “you or me” world, there’s no use claiming we didn’t know it doesn’t work as a “you or me” world. That doesn’t fix it. That doesn’t make it work any better. For the world to work, a shift is required in what we don’t know about making it work.
At the heart of what we don’t know about making the worldwork, is an error akin to unknowingly trying to run a diesel powered Mercedes-Benz with gasoline. Running the “you and me” world unknowingly as if it’s a “you or me” world, is this error. This error is based on an illusion. Yes an illusion. It’s the illusion of I. I is an illusion. And it’s the illusion of I which leads to individual territoriality instead of individual co-operation – which leads to political parties’ territoriality instead of political parties’ co-operation, which leads to nations’ territoriality instead of nations’ co-operation.
This is what I make Laurence’s essay mean:
We are given birth, embedded in, and living in a ‘you AND me’ world. A world where relationship-interdependence-unity is built into the very fabric/structure/working of the world. In such a world cooperation and collaboration is the way.
Yet our language, our training, our way of being-doing in the world is to operate from a ‘you OR me’ context. We divide the world into you and me. And spend the rest of our lives competing with each other – ‘you OR me’ – and feeling disconnected from one another, and sometimes life itself.
The major issues that show up in our world – personal life, family, work, community, the world – arise from operating from a ‘you OR me’ context when we live in ‘you AND me’ world.
Shifting from the ‘you OR me’ way of being-in-the-world to a ‘you AND me’ way of being-in-the-world gives us access for transforming the quality of life, for all, on this planet that gives us life. And making this shift personally and inspring-empowering others to do so is the ultimate act of leadership.
There is a young man called Jasper. He is the son of my friends Gisela and James. There is a big difference in age between Jasper and me. He is still playing with toy cars and watching cartoons. Yet, I find that I love being with him. In particular, I love the way that he is in my presence – comfortable. And the way he hugs me – with love, complete love.
This week a questions grabbed me: why is it that Jasper shows up as so special for me? It hit me that Jasper is a bundle of love. That is what he is for me – a bundle of love.
As I got present to this another question came up: why does this bundle of love make such a huge impact on me? And then the following three words came up from deep inside me and took me by surprise: “I am love!”. And getting present to this insight took me back to my childhood – before I came over to the UK.
At first I struggled with this – to accept this. A part of me stepped in to say “This world is no place for someone whose being is I am love!” And I got to see what had happened to “I am love!” and how it got suppressed.
Now, I get what is so. What is so is “I am love”.
“I am love!” Yes, I can be with that. Being with that I can choose better strategies to express “I am love!”
What are you? When you strip away the layers that you have built over yourself, then what are you?
Allow me to start the conversation through a story especially as daughter loves stories:
A long time ago in India, a group of disciples (monks) were watching their master make chapatis. The master would take a small portion of dough and roll it out using a rolling pin. Then he would place it on a hot griddle (pan) and proceed to cook both sides of the chapati. As it cooked he would smile and say, “Perfect.”
The disciples were puzzled. Each of the chapatis was a different shape, some of them were burnt around the edges, and none were perfectly round. Finally, one of the disciples said, “Master, how can these chapatis be perfect? Chapatis are supposed to be round, and they are not supposed to be burned!”
The master took the last chapati of the griddle and handed it to the young disciple. The chapati was more oval than round, and it was burned around the edges. “Perfect,” he repeated.
Is the world perfect or imperfect?
It occurs to me that you and I hold an idealised picture of how things are supposed to be. In our everyday lives, you and I constantly attempt to fix reality. We want it to fit into our concept of “perfection”. How does this leave us? If you are like me then it tends to leave you disappointed, frustrated, annoyed , ungrateful, joyless and exhausted.
Is it possible that the world is neither perfect nor imperfect? Is it possible that the world simply is and as such it is beyond any labels we choose to apply to it – including the label “it”?
It occurs to me that the world, the universe, works the way that it works. It unfolds as it unfolds. It dances to the tune that it dances to. It occurs to me that the world is indifferent to our ideals, conceptions, and preferences as regards what should be and what should not be. Just consider the weather!
Which begs the question, “Which stand is more powerful: the world is perfect just as it is and as it is not, or that the world is imperfect?” That is to say, is the stand of the master more powerful than the disciples or vice versa?
It occurs to me that, perhaps, the more profound question is this one, “What would be our experience of living if we dropped all labels and simply worked with reality just as it is and just as it is not?” Is it possible that our experience of living would be transformed?
When you and I are first given our part on the stage of life, life shows up as wondrous. We live in possibility. More accurately, we are infinite possibility. Nothing occurs as unreasonable, unrealistic, naive, silly. We are not present to criticism. Nor have we suffering rejection. Slowly and surely possibility is driven out of us and its place is taken up with right/wrong, good/wrong, appropriate/not appropriate, success/failure. And our house of being is filled with shame, guilt, duty, obligation..
Today, I’d like to get each and every one of us present to possibility once more. What is possible in the music business if you allow yourself to be vulnerable and simply ask? That is the answer that Amanda Palmer shares in this fabulous TED talk. I challenge you not to be touched-moved-inspired-uplifted.
This talk gets me present to that which is much neglected: asking/receiving can be a source of contribution when our asking shows up as giving. The kind of giving that generates possibility – a possibility that enables connection and mutual contribution – and enables a transformation in our experience of living.
Is it possible that the defining act of leadership is generating possibilities that call to our fellow human beings, engender connection, and create an opening for people to join together and co-create a world that works for us all, none excluded?
Am I willing, are you willing, to put in that which is required to play the game of possibility, transformation & leadership? What am I pointing at? The courage to connect with our deepest call, the courage to respond to this call, the courage to be vulnerable – to share that which calls us and ask for our fellow human beings to contribute.
Put differently, are you and I willing to generate the courage to ‘play BIG’ and give up ‘playing small’? To choose to be ‘extraordinary’ and risk criticism, even abuse, rather than stay comfortable (and dead) in the ordinary?
Our default way of being-in-the-world is to deny our freedom. Which freedom? The freedom to choose. Whilst I can talk about this philosophically, I prefer to point this out using a story.
The Bus Driver’s Gift
One afternoon a bus driver was taking 40 children home from school. As the bus made its way down a steep grade, the brakes failed. The driver was unable to steer the bus to the left because of a high embankment or to the right because of a steep cliff.
As the bus hurtled down the hill, the driver recalled that there was a narrow gate at the bottom which led into a field. He decided to try to steer the bus through the gate and into the field, figuring it would eventually come to a safe stop. He hoped that no cars or other obstacles would get in his way before he got to the gate.
When the bus reached the bottom of the hill, the driver saw the gate approaching fast. But to his horror, he noticed a small child sitting on the gate, waiving at the bus.
It was too late to change plans now. If the driver tried to avoid the gate, 40 children would die. He cried out in anguish as the bus slammed directly into the game. The innocent child died instantly in the collision, but that bus and all of its passengers were saved.
Emergency vehicles were the first to arrive on the scene, followed shortly by relieved parents and grandparents. Many of them wanted to show their appreciation and gratitude to the driver who had kept the bus under control long enough to save their children. But the driver was nowhere to be found. They asked the police officer where he had gone.
“They’ve taken him to the hospital,” the officer said. “He’s suffering from severe shock.”
“Well that’s understandable, ” they replied.
“No, you don’t understand, ” said the officer. “You see, that little boy on the fence was his own son.”
To be human is to be be free, condemned to choose
We play little, we find excuses, we pretend that we are merely ‘victims’ or ‘passengers’ in the game of life. What this story does is to remind us of a truth that we’d rather not see nor face up to. Why?
Because with this truth, comes responsibility: responsibility for the way our life is, responsibility for the way our community is, responsibility for the way our organisations are, responsibility with the way life is.
Stuff happens, that is simply the way the universe works. Sometimes, even often, we don’t get to choose what happens. And always we get to choose how we will respond to that which the universe puts our way. This is the essential truth that this story brings alive for me.
What does it take to generate joy? I say this is a question worthy of my attention, your attention, our attention.
Is there an experience that is more nourishing than joy? The joy of being alive- present to the gift of life? I say for me there is no experience that nourishes me more than joy. What about you?
How often do you experience joy? Are you present to joy every moment? No? How about every minute? No? How about every hour? No? How about once a day? No? How about once a week? No? How about once a month? No?
When was the last time you experienced joy? When was the last time you opened the doors of your being to allow joy enter your life? When? Can you even remember? And if you and I do not experience the joy in living then I ask this: what is the point of our living, of being alive? Why bother with it all?
As I grapple with this question what shows up for me? That my default way of being-in-this-world is to be on a journey. What goes with a journey? Planning. Preparing. Travelling. Hurdles-Obstacles-Surprise. Dealing with obstacles-hurdles-suprises. Breakdowns. Dealing with breakdowns. Busyness. Arrival at destination. Rest. Onwards to the next destination. And the cycle repeats.
If you and I are so busy on busyness of life and our focus in on achievement then the doors of our being are locked. What are they locked to? Being present to that which is present. Being present to the miracle that is our existence. Being present to the wonder of this world. Being present to joy – the joy of being here right now in this world.
I stopped the other day. I took over the left over bread. Slowly patiently I tore it up into little pieces. A smile was present on my face and in my being. Then I opened the door, went into the garden, and left these breadcrumbs in the right place – place where I see the birds hopping about. In that being/doing I was a little child once more. Joy was present. The joy of being connected with life. The joy of transcending selfishness and being of service.
On returning to the house it occurred to me that it really does not take much for joy to enter my house of being. All it takes is thinking of my fellow participants in this game of life and engaging in little acts of kindness. Making a cup of tea for wife or sons. Giving a hug. Receiving a hug. Telling a friend that she shows up as a source of inspiration for me. Cleaning the house so that it sparkles. Reading a book. Watching a movie. Writing. Going for a walk and allowing my face to be touched by sunshine.
Sometimes it doesn’t even take that. It just requires being present. Yesterday, driving daughter over to the gym, she asked me if she could turn on the radio. I said yes. Shortly, she was listening to one of her favourite songs, singing along beautifully and then the following came forth: “I just love music!” Wow! I found myself to be sharing in some of her joy.
It occurs to me that joy shows up when I chose to be joyous. It occurs to me that joy shows up when I wonder that I exist, the sun exists, the sky exists, laughter exists, hugs exist, movies exist, that I can drive…..It occurs to me that joy shows up when I put myself into action and contribute to the wellbeing of others. How about you?
What does it take to be a source of contribution? Does it take advising? Does it take fixing? Does it take doing?
It occurs to me that I can be a source of contribution by simply being present and listening to the other. What kind of listening? Non-judgemental listening. Listening without any fixing. Listening without any telling. Listening without bringing myself into it. Listening that keeps the light/attention on the person who is doing the speaking. Always on the person doing the speaking.
I just got off a call. It is not an everyday kind of call. It was an extraordinary call. A call that showed up as a contribution in lives. And it is left me humbled.
The first person I spoke with was in pain. Not as much pain as she was this morning. This morning she cried over the phone. This evening she did not cry, she shared. I listened. I listened to her story: of illness; of disappointments; of struggle; of her shame; and the actors that bring her this suffering and heap this shame.
All the time that I was being listening stuff showed up that needed to be dealt with. Whose stuff? What stuff? The stuff was thoughts, urges, fixed ways of being/doing. My thoughts, my urges, my fixed ways of being/doing. The temptation to advise was strong. The temptation to fix was strong. The temptation to minimise her suffering was strong. And I was in a clearing where I could see this stuff clearly, let it arise, grasp it not, and so let it fall away.
What showed up after this conversation? I noticed that I had allowed myself to get enrolled in her story. Specifically, I noticed that I had hostile feelings toward a number of actors who behaving badly were the cause of her suffering, her tears. The next conversation was with one of these actors.
I noticed that I entered into the next conversation reluctantly. Truthfully, I did not want to speak to him. He showed up for me as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and thus ‘undeserving’ of my time, my listening, my love. And I simply asked “How are you?” – letting go of the passion to give him a telling off.
He told his story and in the telling of his story he shared his pain and suffering. He burst into tears. I found myself connected with him through his pain and suffering. I felt his pain, his suffering. Again, the urge to fix the situation arose and tried to hook me. It fell away, I refused to grasp it. I simply listened and in the listening got his pain, his suffering. I just listened. And kept encouraging him to talk. Why was this necessary?
He did not want to take up my time. He did not want me to worry for him. He did not want to cause me pain and suffering on his account. Ten or so minutes later, he was cried out. He was no longer carrying his pain and his suffering had lessened. He told me that he loves me. He told me that my existence matters to him. He told me that he wants to be near me – to get a hug. He told me that he never wants me to die.
A tear falls from my heart and my face. What is the cause of this tear? I did nothing. I just listened. I just let the other person tell his story and share his pain/suffering. I just said “I am sad to hear that you are in pain. I am sad that it hasn’t worked out the way you wanted it to work out. I wish I could fly over and give you big hug. I love you. And will it work for you if I ring you tomorrow and they day after?”
I am present to this: listening, pure listening, listening with compassion, shows up as huge source of contribution to the person who gets s/he has been listened to. And to me too.
I can become crazy annoyed with one of my sons. What in particular presses my buttons and has me hopping mad? He is talking about something, sharing something, asking for something, complaining about something. Listening, I say something like “Enough. I don’t want to hear any more. Stop. This is not the time. No more!” What does he do? He continues on interrupted.
What do I take that to mean? I give it many interpretations, many stories. And it goes something like this: he does not respect me; he is selfish; he lacks social skills; he is stupid! What does that give rise to? Either I leave the room or I put him down through labelling or I shout at him. Whilst I regret this later and apologise it is true that in the moment I feel justified, even righteous.
A funny thing happened today. Son asked me to take him to buy a torch. We enter the store, I ask one of the clerks and we get to the section where the torches are hanging. We pick a torch and head out to the cash tills to pay. It is late, towards closing time. With the torch in his hand son starts moving towards and checking each of the closed tills. I tell him they are closed. He continues. I go over take the torch from him head to the only staffed desk (Customer Services), pay and head for the car.
My son is already at the car. I open it and we both enter. And I say “Son it occurs to me that you lack common sense..” He stops me and say “I don’t want to hear it.” What do I do? I carry on uninterrupted. What does he say? He says “I told you I don’t want to hear it.” What do I do? I continue saying what I was saying without missing a word! What does he do? He puts his hands over his ears. What do I do? I continue speaking!
We get home. What hits me? It hits me for the very first time that I am a hypocrite. I have just done to my son that which I detest when he does it to me. Worse still, it hits me that this is not the first time I have done this. Then this question hits me hard: “Am I the cause of his behaviour? Did he learn it from me?”
The answer? Yes, it is highly likely that I am the cause in the matter of how my children show up: what they say, what they do, how they say it, how they do it….
What is present for me? A certain humility. A recognition that I am cause in the matter of my life. And that I am reaping that which I have sown – at least when it comes to the behaviour of wife, sons, and daughter. Sitting with that I am clear that there is no space for complaining to show up. Nor any space for me to play victim.
How about you? Where in your life are you the cause of that which shows up in your life and of which you get righteous and complain?
There is no escaping loss, given time it finds us – each and every one of us. Some lose their favourite toys. Some lose pets. Some lose hopes and dreams. Some lose lovers. Some lose siblings. Some lose parents. Some lose friends. Some lose jobs. Some lose homes. Some lose all of their wealth. Some lose their reputation and status. Some lose their limbs. And then there are those of us who lose their ‘world’.
Recently, pregnant sister-in-law lost her baby. A miscarriage after three months. Complete surprise. Covered in blood. Dream shattered. Pain. Tears. Brother’s delight turns to sorrow. How to be with his sorrow and be there for his wife? It is hard – never faced this loss before.
How to be with this loss when it shows up?
When loss shows up in our house of being it is easier to bear if our family and friends are there for us: there by our sides, providing a listening for our sorrow, and sharing our grief. Thankfully, family and friends showed up for sister-in-law.
When loss shows up in our house of being you/I are confronted with choice. What choice? The choice about story: the story you/I make about the loss. This is a choice that matters. The story that you/I make determines our being: how you/I show up in the world.
Sister-in-law chooses a story that sets her free
Sister-in-law made a wise choice. She chose a story that allows her to make sense of her loss, be with her loss, and be free of her loss. Put differently, she choose a story that leaves her being powerful in life and not showing up as a ‘victim’. What story did she make? The story goes like this.
a) The human body, my body, is wise. If it chose to ‘miscarry’ then this was the right course of action for the baby and for me. Most likely there was something wrong with the baby and its development. And if the baby had been born then there would have been suffering for the baby. And for me. And her father.
b) I am blessed in that I already have a young daughter. She is healthy. She is beautiful. She is growing up nicely. We have a great relationship.
c) If I can make one baby successfully then I can make another. So I look into the future and I live into the possibility that there will be another healthy baby – sooner or later. When the time is right the baby will show up. Now let’s be with life just as it is and just as it is not. Let me count my blessings.
I find myself inspired by the wisdom of sister-in-law. I find myself inspired by the wisdom of brother who has adopted the same story. And this story can be a source of inspiration to me when I am faced with loss.
Right now I am confronted with choice and the choice concerns work. It is not an easy choice. Why? I am confronted with what is so: to live is always to live at risk. And the machinery that goes with being human goes all out to eliminate risk. It wants to live forever, safely.
Getting past that, I find another challenge confronts me. To go forward as a single person – as opposed to a team – I must focus. What is it that I can do well by myself which creates value for my fellow human beings and will enable me to earn a living? That means giving stuff up. And what I notice is that the human machinery that runs me does not like that one little bit. It wants to be able to do this and that as it enjoys doing lots of things. Put differently, it does not want to sacrifice: it wants to keep all options open, to have its fingers in all the pies.
Yet, as a strategist I know that I must focus. And to focus, I must choose. And to choose is to choose one possibility and thus simultaneously given up the other possibilities that are on the table.
In the course of my struggle, I came across this quote wish has given me a helping hand. And I wish to share it with you.
“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.”
The folks at the weather station predicted snow. And then it snowed. And there was snow.
Upon seeing the snow the youngest two members of the family ran to the windows. They became smiles and excitement. They lived into a future that gave them joyous being: schools would be shut, no school, stay home, play with friends in the snow!
Upon being alerted to the snow, I reluctantly put on my shoes, headed outside and drove my car off the drive and towards the top of the hill. I lived into a future of risk/struggle/fear. The risk associated with getting my car off the drive. Last time it snowed heavily and did that I couldn’t. And when I persisted the car skid into a wall and required costly repairs. Struggle because every time it snows heavily it is a struggle to get anywhere without considerable effort. Why fear? Because twice in the past my car skidded in the snow/ice, I lost control, felt helpless, felt fear, and the car hit something.
Upon being alerted to the snow, my wife said and did nothing. She just got on with what she was getting on with or needed to get on with.
The next day, we had to go out. My wife drove and I was happy for her to drive. Later we are told that the schools have closed and have to go and pick our son up. There is a lot of snow on the ground. And it is snowing hard. We are not at home. There are long queues of cars. The sat-nav does not work, I am fretting. My wife, she is calm. It takes us over an hour to do a fifteen minute journey. I am uneasy, I am cursing the snow, I am fretting about not being able to get through to my son – he is not answering his mobile phone. My wife? She is calm, she is patient, she drives, she finds her way.
We get home. The children in the street are playing in the snow. They are laughing, they are clearly making it a great time for themselves, playing in the snow. Someone is rolling in the snow. It is our daughter, the youngest member of the family. Her face is red. Her clothes are soaking wet. And she is experiencing pure joy – out rolling in the snow. I look at her in astonishment and head inside where I can be warm.
What shows up for me? I am present to several distinctions, that I first came across in Landmark Education, that are in operation in each of us:
Event/Story: The event is simply that there is some 15m of snow. And then each of us, me, wife, son, daughter, made a different story of the snow.
It is the future that you are living into that gives you your being-in-the-world right now. My children were living into a future of no school, playing with friends, snowball fights. And their being was joyous. My wife was living into a future of ‘no big deal and it snow can be pretty. So her being was undisturbed, she got on with what she needed to get on with. Me, I was living into a future of fear/risk/struggle – of losing control of the car. And so my being-in-the-present was annoyance with the snow.
What am I present to? All that happened was that it snowed. All there was was snow, ice, slush, more snow. Yet, none of us left it at that. All of us made it mean something. And our being-in-the-world was a function of the meaning that our human machinery gave to the snow.
Which means that my being-in-the-world, your being-in-the-world, is a function of the story that runs me, runs you. And our freedom lies in our ability/freedom to create better stories – stories that move-touch-inspire us. Our ability to change reality – whether it snows or not – can be limited. Our ability invent stories, invent possibilities, is unlimited. So, ultimately, our freedom lies in the domain of possibility and of story.
What gets in the way of relatedness and relationship?
Judgement is an automatic way of being in the world. When we judge we carve up ‘that which is’, into ready-made buckets given to us by language, cultural practices, and our particular stand/situation. And when we do this we are no longer face to face with ‘that which is’.
Actually, you/I are NEVER face to face with reality – that which is just as it is. Why? Because the carving up of reality takes place without us being present to doing the carving up! So you/I are firmly planted in the conviction that what is before us is that which is – reality pure and naked.
Given that is our already always taken for granted stand in the world it is easy to see how relatedness and relationship suffers. I make you wrong when you do not see. You make me wrong when I do not see what you see. And from that place we withdraw from one another creating distance. Or we attack one another, bent on being right and proving the other wrong. If that cannot be done through word then we resort to fighting.
The way out of this trap: ‘look out of the other’s window’
I say the access to relatedness and relationship is to get that life/reality cannot ever be grasped accurately. At the very best you/I are travelling through the ‘woods of life’ and how life, how the world, shows up depends on where you/I are in those woods and in which direction we are looking.
Or as Irvin Yalom says ‘Look out the other’s window.’ What does he mean? Here is what he says in his book The Gift of Therapy:
“Decades ago I saw a patient with breast cancer ….. been locked in a long, bitter struggle with her naysaying father. Yearning for some form of reconciliation …. she looked forward to her father’s driving her to college – a time when she would be alone with him for several hours.
But the long-anticipated trip proved to be a disaster: her father behaved true to form by grousing at length about the ugly, garbage littered creek by the side of the road. She, on the other hand, saw no litter whatsoever in the beautiful, rustic, unspoilt stream. She could find no way to respond and eventually, lapsing into silence, they spent the remainder of the trip looking away from each other.
Later, she made the same trip alone and was astounded to note that there were two streams – one on each side of the road. ‘This time I was the driver’, she said sadly, ‘and the stream I saw through my window on the driver’s side was just as ugly and polluted as my father had described it’.
But by the time she learned to look out of her father’s window, it was too late – her father was dead and buried.’
Last words
Please get that we NEVER have access to that which is. That kind of access is NOT available to us. What shows up for us is determined by our biology. What shows up for us is shaped by our the assumptions and categories build into our language. What shows up for us is determined by our culture – the cultural practices. What shows up for us is a function of where we are standing at a particular point in our journey of life.
If you/I are present to this then we have access to WOW. What am I pointing out? WOW, how extraordinary that the world, that which is, shows up differently and uniquely to each and every human being. Let’s find out how the world shows up for my mother, father, husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, colleagues, boss…… Let me see what you see through your window. How extraordinary! When you/I stand in that place we stand in the place of wonder, relatedness and relationship.
Be humble. How you see it is NOT ‘the way it is’! You NEVER see it ‘the way that it is’! Be humble, listen to the other, respect the other: strive to look through the other’s window. Do that and you will never be alone, never walk alone.
One of my sons recently returned from Christmas in France. During Christmas he saw a beggar, he was touched by the plight of the beggar, stooped down and gave him money. His friends told him not to do that. They told him that the beggar was merely lazy and should get a job. This is not how the situation showed up for my son. How did it show up for him? Life can be hard sometimes. Nobody chooses to be dirty, out in the cold, homeless and begging. And the obligation of one human being to another is for the standing up to help the one that is on the floor.
Reflecting on this it occurred to him that whilst he likes the subjects he is studying for his A levels they do not call to him. What calls to him? To help the homeless: to provide them with a home, to clothe them, to feed them, to provide education and training, to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence, to provide the foundation with which to rebuild their lives. Listening to his speaking I was touched-moved-inspired and in large part that was because I got that this really called to him, the he himself is touched-moved-inspired.
Then my son shared his worry. What is the worry? Money. “How am I going to do this? Where am I going to get the money from to help the homeless? Where am I going to get the money to look after myself?”
Is this how we become wage slaves?
I got how it is that so many of us become wage slaves. It occurs to me that when you and I were young we had dreams like my son has right now. Some of us wanted to invent, others wanted to explore/adventure, others wanted to create/make stuff, others wanted to be of service to help others….. Confronted with the money question we put away these dreams and got busy with the practicalities of life. And little by little, one sacrifice at a team, we became wage slaves. Trapped: lifestyle, mortgage, school fees…..
What is a wage slave for me? For me a wage slave is a person who has no affinity for the work that he does. Importantly, he notices that the work is ‘killing him/her’ in some significant way and yet continues because of the money/rewards that go along with the job/work. Put differently, the work that the wage slave does and/or the environment in which he does that work does not nourish. On the contrary it is slow poison that kills that which is most human – the capacity to imagine possibilities, to pursue possibilities, to be a creator, an author of one’s life!
Is the point of living merely living?
Is our project here on here on Earth simply do feed oneself, clothe oneself, shelter oneself? And when these needs have been secured to entertain oneself and/or drown our sorrows with the drug of our choice? If that is the case then the meaning/purpose I give to myself is merely to survive, to exist.
And if that is the case then a question presents itself “What for?” Put differently, why toil away as wage slaves merely to survive? To feed, clothe, shelter and encourage our children to be wage slaves? So that they can do they same for their children and so on? Isn’t this madness? It occurs as madness to me.
My message to my son and all who are young or young at heart
So what did I say to my son? I encouraged him to pursue this possibility the one that calls to him. I told him that to be human – uniquely human – is to step into, live from and pursue that which calls to us. I told him that he is fortunate that he is present to that which calls to him. I told him that this is gift, a gift that provides access to walking the path that gives meaning to one’s life. Yes, there will be difficulties. Yes, there will be pain. Yes, it involves sacrifice. And what kind of life do you want to live, one that is difficult yet meaningful or one that leaves you showing up as a wage slave?
I reminded him of the film that we had watched some time ago. Which film? Into the Wild. And I posed the question, “What is better for you, a long life of drudgery, of being a wage slave or the kind of life that Christopher McCandless (the subject of Into the Wild) lived?”
What if money was no object?
Finally, I asked the question that Alan Watts asks: “What if money was no object?” I encourage you, especially if you are young, to listen to the words/wisdom of Alan Watts. I encourage you not only to listen but to let this conversation be you. Here is the YouTube video:
And if you prefer reading then here is the transcript:
“What do you desire? What makes you itch? What sort of a situation would you like?
Let’s suppose, I do this often in vocational guidance of students, they come to me and say, well, we’re getting out of college and we have the faintest idea what we want to do. So I always ask the question, what would you like to do if money were no object? How would you really enjoy spending your life?
Well, it’s so amazing as a result of our kind of educational system, crowds of students say well, we’d like to be painters, we’d like to be poets, we’d like to be writers, but as everybody knows you can’t earn any money that way. Or another person says well, I’d like to live an out-of-doors life and ride horses. I said you want to teach in a riding school? Let’s go through with it. What do you want to do?
When we finally got down to something, which the individual says he really wants to do, I will say to him, you do that and forget the money, because, if you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid. Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way.
And after all, if you do really like what you’re doing, it doesn’t matter what it is, you can eventually turn it – you could eventually become a master of it. It’s the only way to become a master of something, to be really with it. And then you’ll be able to get a good fee for whatever it is. So don’t worry too much. That’s everybody is – somebody is interested in everything, anything you can be interested in, you will find others will. But it’s absolutely stupid to spend your time doing things you don’t like, in order to go on spending things you don’t like, doing things you don’t like and to teach our children to follow in the same track.
See what we are doing, is we’re bringing up children and educating to live the same sort of lives we are living. In order that they may justify themselves and find satisfaction in life by bringing up their children to bring up their children to do the same thing, so it’s all retch, and no vomit it never gets there. And so, therefore, it’s so important to consider this question, What do I desire?”
Listen to the mystics and it is being ‘not awake’ – not awake to the reality of existence. Listen to Martin Heidegger and it is ‘fallenness’ – fallenness into they ‘they’, the ‘anyone’, the crowd. Listen to psychology and it is habit.
I say our normal way of being in the world is to be on automatic pilot. A great illustration is driving a car. How many times have you driven from A to B and when you get there you cannot remember the journey?
I say our normal way of being in the world is to go about life as one (anyone) goes about life. That is to say we have fallen into/with the crowd. Which crowd? Our society. Our social class. Our tribe. So you/I go about life as one goes about life: you/I dress like one dresses; you/I eat like one eats; you/I walk like one walks; you/I hang out where one hangs out; you/I talk the way that one talks; you/I work they way one works; you/I entertain ourselves the way that one entertains himself; you/I form the relationships that one forms….
Put differently, our normal way of being is for our habits to have us, to be us. And where do these habits come from? From our society, tribe, social class. So in our normal way of being you/I are simply being/showing up as our society-tribe-social class. At one level this works great. It allows us to fit in with the rest, smooths social relationships, and allows us all to work together and accomplish more than we could accomplish on our own.
And there is price. The price is at two levels. At the society-tribe-social class level we are blind to that which we are blind. Put differently, we have no access to what we don’t know that we don’t know. At a personal level we do not own our lives. And by not owning our lives we do not get the sense of aliveness, of joy, of meaning/fulfilment that comes with being creators of our lives – being, pursuing, creating, bringing about that which matters to us. We settle instead for a life of drudgery.
So we are asleep. Habit owns us. We are the crowd – they anyone, the ‘average’. Which begs the question, for those of us interested in waking up, what is the access to waking up and owning our lives, to living as creators?
Breakdowns are a great access to waking up and making breakthroughs in our living
Breakdowns are those events and moments in our lives when our ordinary way of being in life – not awake, fallenness, habit having us – breaks down even if that is for a minute or two. In our ordinary way of being – being comfortable with habit, being on automatic pilot – you/I do not welcome breakdowns. No, we get upset, frustrated, annoyed, angry and even violent. My son and I experienced a mild breakdown when in the midst of watching a movie the electricity was cut-off. Another example of a breakdown could be the loss of our jobs, or a relationship with a loved one.
If you/I are up for playing BIG, living ‘extraordinary’ lives then we need to welcome and make the best use of breakdowns. Why? Because breakdowns provide an access to breakthroughs. When breakdowns occur we are given sight – without our wishes – to our state of being, our habits, our fallenness. And if we generate the courage and make the time to get present to the sight that shows up for us then we enable ourselves to make breakthroughs in our living. Put differently, breakdowns if embraced in the right manner enable us to transform our lives.
Want an example of what I am talking about? Let me share with you the story that has made many tears flow from my eyes and still bleeds my heart. Which story? India and the horrific gang rape by six men of a 23 year old physiotherapy student in Delhi. From what I read it occurs to me that this is not the only young woman that has been raped. It occurs to me that many women are raped. Just yesterday I was reading of a young woman, mother of two, who threw herself of a train to escape rape and is critically injured. Put differently, to be a woman in India is to be ‘one who is subjected to oppression, abuse and even rape’. That is and has been the default state of existence for a long time. And this default state has been in the background, invisible, not talked about.
For whatever reason the horrific rape of the 23 year old young woman, Jyoti, and her subsequent death has brought about a breakdown – at least for now – in the taken for granted way of ‘the way the world is in India’. This breakdown has allowed people in India and outside India sight of the ‘darker side of modern India’ – that side which is not at all modern nor civilised (in the western sense of the word). And for some, this has brought both shame and disgust. So that is the breakdown that has occurred in India, at least Delhi.
I am saddened at the rape and death of Jyoti. I am saddened with learning that a young mother of two is critically injured because she threw herself of the train to escape rape. And yet I see possibility/transformation amidst this sadness. What am I talking about? This breakdown in India – a suspension of the ordinary way of being and going about in the world – represents an opportunity to make a breakthrough. What breakthrough? A breakthrough in the lives of ordinary women in India – young or old. I can see a world where Indian women are not oppressed, not abused, not raped. Put differently, I see a world where it is not ok for one to oppress, abuse, rape.
What will it take for people in India to use this breakdown to create a breakthrough and thus transform the lives of the women in India? For enough people to be / show up / operate from the possibility that the women folk are free, are respected, are not abused, not oppressed, not raped. Put differently, for enough people to climb out of their state of falseness and own/live the possibility of ‘freedom, safety and respect for the women of India’.
To sum up: yes breakdowns are painful, few of us welcome them, and yet if embraced breakdowns offer us the ladder via which we can climb out of our state of fallenness and make breakthroughs in our lives and transform the experience of our living. Isn’t that true leadership – leading our own lives, owning our lives, being a stand for that which matters to us, being a source of contribution to our fellow human beings and life itself?
Existential Conversations For Playing Big 