Category: Communication

People are more important than things, than religion, than politics, than any ideology


A little while ago I wrote a post People Are More Important Than Things

Since that post I have done some thinking and it strikes me that there is a whole area of stuff that I am attached to, you are attached to, we are attached to and it is not things.  What is that stuff?  Ideology, here is the definition:

ideology refers to habits of mind – beliefs, assumptions, expectations etc – which are placed upon the world in order to give it structure and meaning and which then serve to direct our social and political activities.

This week I read an article on the Guardian:  Repeal Pakistan’s Blasphemy Law and asked myself what is it about us that we place so little value on flesh and blood like us – our fellow human beings – and so much faith in the intangible.  So much that we are willing to kill people if they utter the wrong words. Is our faith so little that as soon as someone questions our beliefs, our practices then seek to silence them, to belittle them, even to kill them.

Or take this post at the Adaptive Path blog: The Pernicious Effects of Advertising and Marketing Agencies Trying to Deliver User Experience Design.  What is particularly noteworthy is the 87 comments or so that this post has generated.  How interesting that so many of them are either attack or defend the point of view that has been put forward.  It is particularly interesting to see the response of the people who feel they have been attacked – they attack back.  Yet, if you read the article, the author is not attacking any specific person.  He is pointing out the system structure that drives specific sets of behaviour.  And it is clear that he disagrees with that behaviour.

What a wonderful world we can create together if we all made the following rule, the primary rule, the golden rule:  Life (people, animals, plants) is more important than things, religions, politics, caste-systems or any other ideologies. Lets cherish each other: lets see, create and bring into being the best in each other.  Please watch this from 4 minute video where  Viktor Frankl (a concentration camp survivor) shares his view of man.  Please listen and really hear what he says!

“If we take man as he really is then we make him worse.
If we overestimate him……overrate man, then we promote him to what he really can be.
So we have to be optimists idealists in way so we wind up as the true realists”

This post is directly aimed at you, my friend, Maz Iqbal!

Each one is doing the best that he/she can at every possible moment


In ordinary – taken for granted every day living – we assume that each of us is in charge of our lives: what I think, what I say, what I do, what I do not say, what I do not do…

In ordinary living we tend to be light on ourselves and heavy on others.  We judge our behaviour and the outcomes we generate by our intentions.  Yet we do not give others the same benefit: we judge them solely by the outcomes they generate.  We let ourselves off the hook and cast stones at others – through our thinking, through our words and through our actions.

Some of us do not differentiate: we are equally harsh on ourselves as we are on others. Some of us are masters of another game: condemning, criticising, blaming others and later spending time feeling guilty and being withdrawn: our loved ones pay the price twice – first when we criticise them and attach their human dignity and second when we withdraw from them rather than put balm on their wounds – the wounds we inflicted.

Over the last few weeks, here and there I have been  at my worst.  I verbally attacked one of my sons and later forgive myself as I was not feeling well. Yet, I have not rested as I know that there is no excuse for what I did.  I did what I did because I was imposing my view of the world on the situation at hand and my son’s role in that situation.  He just wasn’t playing the role that I expected him to play.  And he was wasting my time.  There it is: my time is valuable and how dare he waste my time!

The ExtraOrdinary path is right here in front of me, of you, of us.  It simply involves changing our worldview, living into the following:

  • Each of us is being run 24/7 by our operating system – the operating system that we have inherited through our genes, our culture, our environment, our upbringing;
  • Each of us is doing the best that it is capable of doing at every moment;
  • Each of us  is best able to develop and modify the operating system that runs us through mindfulness (meditation, time out, reflection) and through connection with our fellow human beings;
  • Our fellow human beings can best help us to upgrade our operating system by being strictly gentle with us – consistently sharing with us in a gentle manner the impact of our actions on their lives

How to deal with upset


I am a member of family that is made up of five people; I am a father and a husband; my wife and children look to me to help them deal with their upset; to-date my contribution has been hit and miss.  I also enjoy coaching and thus get an opportunity to help people deal more effectively with their stuff.

In the past I listened for and about the situation and then went on to have a ‘lets think about this differently’ and ‘what are your options’ conversation.  It is the kind of conversation that happens in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).  It is the kind of conversation that appeals to the part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex – the reasoning part of the brain.

The other day, I was listening to someone sharing their upset with me.  I was able to help this person deal with the upset and move forward.  Afterwards I took a look at why this encounter had been so positive.  I got that I had approached it very differently to other times.  Specifically:

  1. I was in a good state of mind-body – I was relaxed, calm, present and actually wanted to listen and be of service;
  2. I listened, allowed and focussed on the upset itself, specifically the emotions – “If I understand you correctly then you are feeling this way and this is having this impact on your body…..” – and thus enabled the upset person to get to grips with the emotions and the impact they were having;
  3. I validated the upset persons emotions and the story that he/she was telling – “I get that you feel this way and it is ok to feel that way” – and by doing this the upset person became visibly less emotional and more rational;
  4. When I sensed that the tide of emotions had passed through I moved the conversation to talking about the ‘real world situation’ that was the ’cause’ of the upset – “Is now a good time to have a look at the situation that has led you to this upset?”;
  5. I then worked with the upset person to explore the ‘real world situation’ that they were finding difficult: what is so, how can you look at this differently, what are your options, which option appeals to you and is likely to make a big enough difference?

What I distinguished is that it is impossible for a person to put their thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) into action when that person has been hijacked by their emotional (limbic) brain. And that is as true for me (the listener, the coach) as it is by the person who is upset.

The approach that I have outlined is effective and not quick – it takes time, around forty-five minutes.

Criticism doesn’t work, NVC can work


I am perplexed.  Why is it that when we want to get a change of behaviour from a fellow human being we condemn, criticise and blame?  What makes us think that these behaviours will create affinity with our fellow human beings and get them to give us what we want?

As a human being I want to get along with my fellow human beings- especially those that are in my inner circle.  Not only do I want to get along I want people to like me.   I want to be included not excluded. I want people to think highly of me.  Even that is not enough I want affinity even intimacy with a select few. That means I want to close the emotional and the physical gap between me and the people that matter to me.

If I am a normal human being what do I do – automatically?  I judge. I criticise.  I condemn.  Who do I criticise?  The people closest to me – family, friends, neighbours, colleagues etc. What does that get me?  Distance – the one that is criticised withdraws, sulks, becomes aggressive or waits for the day that he can pay back in kind.  Why does that happen?  Most human beings are fragile: even without being aware of it we are constantly looking for approval, we detest being put down and we strive to avoid or punish those that put us down.

It strikes me that if I want to create affinity with another human being then the tools to use are acknowledgement, praise and saying ‘thank you’.  These tools are particularly important if there is any distance in the relationship and I want to reduce that distance. Only when the distance is closed is the time right to ask for what I want in a way that works.   Marshall Rosenberg has developed such a method: NVC – Non Violent Communication; he has written a book called Non Voilent Communication.

So why is it that whilst excellent communication methods exist to bridge the gap between me and you, you and I continue to use the tried and tested methods that create greater distance and greater enmity?

I forgive you as I get that I do not often / always practice what I preach.  Can you grant me what you grant yourself often – forgiveness and acceptance?

If you want family then remove the tv


The tv broke down some days ago.  I was delighted as I had been hoping that it would break down and I could access to using the living room – my favourite room for reading, talking and just relaxing.  For one of my children – the oldest – the world had suddenly caved in – he is addicted to watching tv.  For the youngest – it is a survivable pain.  And the middle one – who is used to entertaining himself – is not that bothered.

Here is what I have noticed:

  • we talk a lot more with each other and we laugh a lot more;
  • we play games with each other;
  • the children help with household chores – like cooking meals;
  • the children spend more time in their bedrooms doing private activities like reading or drawing;
  • the children go outside more – like taking walks;
  • there is a lot less fighting in the house as there is less to fight about; and
  • I feel at home again.

I am quite clear that introducing or removing television from the home is a revolutionary act.  With it in the house, it becomes the most important thing and the people in the house become slaves to it.  By removing it, our family – all of us – have became creators, authors of our lives.  And we work much better as a family.